Disengagement for stepdog?
Along with SKs, my DH came with a German Shepherd that he’d gotten shortly after his divorce, before we started dating.
DH had great intentions of being an attentive dog owner, and the SKs were enthusiastic about her as well. In practice, though, she was and is...somewhat ignored.
Food, meds, let outside in a mainly timely manner, some love — all provided. But walks are sporadic: maybe 5x/week. And her training was spotty, so she doesn't always obey instructions (though has a calm disposition). At DH’s worst, the poor dog was going multiple days with no walk, and was becoming fat and depressed.
I’m...not a pet person. So I started our marriage with cheerful but firm disengagement on the dog: she is entirely DH and the kids’ responsibility. I’ll provide her care if DH asks for my help, and will occasionally walk her if I have the time and inclination. But if anyone asks, I am clear that she is “DH’s dog.”
On the other hand, I can’t stand seeing a living creature unhappy and not consistently cared for. I find myself nagging both DH and the SKs to take her out, and it particularly irks me when the kids pet and snuggle her, but then are magically “too busy” to take her on a walk.
She’s not just there for their emotional gratification, I tell them - she needs active and consistent exercise and true attention! (Reminiscent of some BMs - and DHs - discussed here...). DH and the kids (teenagers) all agree, and say they'll step up - but quickly backslide.
I could step up, and simply be the one to take her on morning and evening walks daily. But with my full-time job, side gig, a toddler, and all other responsibilities of the household as a fully engaged SM - this may breed resentment. (On the other hand, I enjoy walking...)
We know with SKs, you can’t care more than the bio parents. Any insight on this applying to dog parents?
- Picardy III's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I am a dog owner and I walk
I am a dog owner and I walk my dog daily ... but most owners don't. Not saying that's okay, but not walking dogs is the norm rather than the other way around.
I had two and recently lost one - she lived to walk. She did get depressed if she didn't get walks and we walked in all kinds of weather. The dog we have left? He can take it or leave it. Sometimes he walks 100 yds and turns around to go home again.
All that is to say - 5x a week is pretty good, honestly, but if he's a walk-driven dog like mine was, pay someone to fill in the gaps. I personally couldn't disengage from an animal. (And by pay, I mean DH pays, of course).
With many breeds of dogs I'd
With many breeds of dogs I'd agree, walking is take-it-or-leave-it, but for a working dog like a German Shepherd apparently multiple daily walks are critical. Google search says 1-2 hours a day, and do I see a marked difference in her energy and demeanor when she gets sustained exercise.
Good point about paying someone to walk her, though. We have joint finances, so I'd be paying along with DH, but that's not a problem.
Yes, I do know they need more
Yes, I do know they need more walks than other dogs - dog walkers are everywhere, even a neighborhood kid if she's a pretty good leash walker and gets along with other dogs she might meet.
If you have a fenced yard, someone playing fetch with her once a day might replace one of the walks. People can't always live up to the perfection that Google wants. :) It's easy to say "then don't get a dog", but the dogs exist and need homes, so sometimes "good enough" has to be the standard.
Yard has no fence currently,
Yard has no fence currently, but should soon. I may need to nudge that up our priority list!
As a dog owner myself, this
As a dog owner myself, this is one subject that really gets me going - ie people getting a dog - especially a big dog - that needs loads of exercise and attention, but they end up giving it none. People who work all day and leave a single dog at home alone and then act surprised when it chews up the furniture.
Really - it is not your responsibility as you say - although good on you for considering giving the dog what it needs. But in your place, I'd make arrangements to rehome it, to someone who actually cared about its welfare and was prepared to put in the time and effort. I wouldn't tell DH my plans - he'd just come home one day and find the dog gone. If he kicked up a fuss, I'd just say I acted in the poor creature's best interests.
Rehoming her is the nuclear
Rehoming her is the nuclear option. I hate to do that to the family, but will if necessary.
The dog did live on DH's parents' farm while we did home renovations, and was happy and healthy having huge areas to run in. I have said -and DH agrees- that if she isn't cared for this time around, she goes back to the farm.
It would be an easier decision if she were truly neglected here. The kids and DH do take her out when I remind and nag, and they do feel bad when they see how despondent she gets. But - out of sight, out of mind.
I am a pet lover yet
I had to make a huge stink and a deep chasm-like line in the concrete for DH to move on a pet issue.
We got a second dog. It was too alpha for the rest of the pets, very aggressive. And it tried to bite DH and would have if I hadn't stepped in and diverted the dog. I told DH the dog needed training (well, he passed puppy training but no one noticed except for me that the only reason he didn't attack one dog was because that dog attacked first). I said we could do additional training.
Nothing. Nothing until I said if he doesn't come up with a different solution in a week, I was taking the dog back. Magically he got BM to take the dog, got a dog whisperer to come over, and started the dog in additional obedience classes (because we can't give an unruly dog to BM). WTever-livingF?! I blasted him a new orifice after that statement. It was okay for the rest of us to put up with the ill behaved dog but when it's BM we'd better make it behave?
I say you find it a new place like the farm. Not your job to nag. Their job to take care of it or rehome it.
I think you need to tell your husband he has to do a roster
and between him and his kids, everyday they are rostered to do it and no buts no excuses they just do it!! Don’t say it in a way that hubby thinks he has an option to say no...
if they do not walk while hubby is at work, tell hubby immediately to ensure they do it now!!! It might seem annoying but they’re like babies right now!!
if they are not willing, tell hubby dog needs to be rehomed...
I've found rosters show
I've found rosters show excellent intentions, but little follow-through! We do get on the kids to walk her (the 50% of the time they're with us) and they do comply, after some reluctance. I wish they would follow through without prodding. But that's typical teen behavior, I know.
It takes a while for it to sink in this is their responsibility
and you need to remind a million times before it grts jbbfheir thick heads
I have two boxers 5 and 1,
I have two boxers 5 and 1, also have two cats 8 and 6. DH hates my cats like literally but I had them before him and he knew they were not going anywhere. He had the older boxer before we met and I had some issue with him at first but we took him to training and got him to be around the cats better so all is good there.
I am a pet person all the way. I love my animal each one of them. I treat the dogs better than both my DH and SS. I use to take the oldest for walks alot when weather is good and I was not expecting. I even walked the new one as well. Any the dogs do not get walked at all anymore, we have a very large yard that they run around in and play in. DS will wrestle with them and play with them some but as for actually walking them or doing actual work with them he will not. DH will not either.
Do you have a yard that the dog can play in? If the dog is being walked several times a week and getting love an attention I am sure she is good. I am not sure what you mean by true attention. Our dogs love to snuggle up with us on the couch and just lay with us at times. They just enjoy being around us and following us. When you have two working adults and teenagers and schedules get super hectic animals at times do not get all the attention they should probably get. It happens, I hate to say it but it does. I neglect my cats sometimes and they let me know.
To me this all sounds kinda normal.
I disagree. Walking a dog
I disagree. Walking a dog several times a week is not enough, it should be several times a day. If not, don't get a dog, get a stuffed toy.
Our oldest dog will not even
Our oldest dog will not even go outside when there is like a raindrop on the ground. So what I am supposed to drag him. FYI we have an acre and both the dogs go outside daily several times a day and literally run and play and wrestle. On the weekends when it is nice they are in and out in and out. Not sure you have ever had a Boxer but they do not like it when it is really hot outside or when it is really cold outside. When the roads are really hot they advise not walking dogs so as not to burn the bottom of their paws.
It does depend on the dog a great deal and again we have a huge yard that they literally run full speed around chasing one another for fun. You can disagree all you want but do not judge and say get a stuffed toy.
Exactly. Our Jack Russell mix
Exactly. Our Jack Russell mix won't go out in bad weather either. When it's nice, he loves to be in the backyard, running the fenceline with his friends. Often, I'll walk him and he will walk down the street and refuse to go any further.
My oldest dog will not go out
My oldest dog will not go out for the sitter if it is raining. He refuses. My DH has had to physically pick him up and put him outside to go potty because he had not gone all night and at all in the morning due to rain.
My dogs love and I mean love being walked. Before I got pregnant I was getting to the point of actually jogging with the older one. I feel bad we do not go anymore right now but is what it is. I know they get plenty of exercise and attention.
Yes I will flipping judge if
Yes I will flipping judge if I see fit!! Obviously I wouldn't advocate walking a dog on burning hot pavements, that would be stupid. No I have not had a Boxer. I have had plenty of dogs. It does not depend on the dog. Excuses for not walking your dog are just that. Get a stuffed toy if you can't walk it.
Obviously you have not had a
Obviously you have not had a dog that hates to be outside in bad weather. I refuse to drag my dog and pull on his leash just to get him to walk when he absolutely does not want to. Just not happening because I see that as being more cruel.
You do not need to walk a dog multiple times a day every day if they are getting plenty of exercise other ways. Mine does. I gurantee if you met my dogs you would clearly see they are never neglected. I had a small gathering at my house this weekend and every single person said I had such well behaved good dogs. They are always happy and are extremely healthy. We get compliments on them every where we go with them.
That reminds me
of a neighbor's dog I pet-sat. The dog would not "use the facilities" if there was snow on the ground. Would not do it on pavement. I had to shovel a patch of grass.
My American bull/boxer
My American bull/boxer HATESSS the rain. She will be like ehh go outside quick to use the bathroom then run right back in haha. My lab could live outside all day if he could.
That's pretty over the top,
That's pretty over the top, honestly, unless they are super high energy dog, they don't need several walks a day.
If that were the standard, the shelters would be overflowing with dogs. My dogs never got multiple walks a day, were left home for the day, and neither one has ever chewed up furniture or been destructive. They were both given one walk a day minimum, sometimes two for the one who loved to walk.
Yard is currently torn up due
Yard is currently torn up due to home renovations, planning for landscaping and a fence next year. That may completely solve the dog problem.
Oh yes - if you don't have a
Oh yes - if you don't have a fenced yard, I can see why she's getting miserable. Dog parks get out a lot of energy too, if she's dog friendly. Maybe she should go back to the farm until the yard is fenced?
She's great at dog parks.
She's great at dog parks. Someone just has to get her there!
I'm hesitant about the farm option right now, since DH's parents have recently gotten another dog: don't want to presume on their willingness to help us out.
Lots of "yeah buts" in my responses, I know :). I'm thinking, reading these comments, that this may be an area where I simply need to step in from disengagement (at least til that fence is in).
No one has tried to push dog care on me, and frankly I'm more worked up with resentment seeing their lapses than I would be just walking her myself.
We have an invisible fence.
We have an invisible fence. Our oldest dog learned his boundaries so well he does leave the area anymore and we do not put a collar on him at all anymore. Our younger one we only put hers on when are not out there with her. She learned her boudaries as well. Have you thought of something like this. They really are not bad and pretty easy to put in yourself. You rent the equipment to install the wire and you buy the box. Just a suggestion. Train on it for a few weeks and you should be good.
Would have rather had a step dog
I would have prefered a Step Dog. at least they listen and show appreciation.
Thanks for your kind comments
Thanks for your kind comments :). She is 8 years old now, and DH 100% agrees with -and has said- everything you wrote about German Shepherds. But he had no business taking on a dog he has little time for. (He's not lazy, simply overcommitted.)
Before rehoming her, I will try stepping up by organizing nightly walks - if no one else can/will, I'll do it. We're an athletic family, and I could take her on runs. Yes, she's not my responsibility, but she does matter to me.
At 8, she should need a lot
At 8, she should need a lot less exercise - my lunatic Jack Russell terrorist doesn't even need much anymore at age 8-9. A walk a day might make her happy, along with some play in the house.
I told my DH he should never
I told my DH he should never have gotten the older dog when he did. He really should not have, but he did. DH loves the dog and the dog is attached to him for sure. When we first moved in it was a challenge as I felt horrible how much he was crated during the day and we use to crate him at night as well because of my cats.
Eventually things evened out and we got the puppy to be a buddy for him and they play together inside and outside. He is getting older so he is not as hyper and she jumps on him to play and he just stares at her at times. Right now until our son is back in school we highered a dog sitter to let the puppy out and him in the afternoons. When we leave and go to work and by the time we get home from work the dogs would be crated for 10 hours.
Once school is back in session and DS is home from school we will no longer use a pet sitter as he will be able to let them out before we get home. Sometimes you have to use money to solve a problem if only temporary. My dogs love the break.
Honestly I had to disengage
Honestly I had to disengage from stepdog. She's great, but it started to become solely my responsibility. I honestly had to 100% let go. If she peed in the house because he didn't take her out, he got to clean it up and replace whatever was damaged. It really only took one potty accident for him to step up. He now has stepped up completely and does everything for her. It has helped my relationship with stepdog too because I actually get to enjoy her now, not just take care of her.
Good luck
Rehoming an animal in the
Rehoming an animal in the best of circumstances is extremely stressful for them.
The average life span of a GSD is roughly 12 years, give or take. If she's a larger variation by design, she's likely on the lower end of life expectancy. She's also more likely to experience the more common ailments as she ages like arthritis and signs of dysplasia, maybe even degenerative myelopathy.
Not saying this girl doesn't long for a consistently more active lifestyle than she sees these days but please don't forget about the stress and emotional well-being on the other side of a rehome.
Outside of meeting their basic needs, I struggle with the concept that every dog and every owner must fit into a neatly packaged preconceived notion or they are neglectful or unworthy owners.
All of our dogs have a job. They all have a purpose. They are all in excellent health and well adjusted. They don't have exercise regimens based on breed characteristics (none of which include walks for the record) they are individual beings and handled that way.
My GSDs would never forgive me if I tried to force them into absolutes, even the ones mentioned here. Nor would any of the sight hounds. Not even the purest soul amongst them, the big dumb bully, would thrive if his existence was restricted to a box of black and white.
Consider this old girl and what road she must travel in order to trade her family for what you would hope, but cannot guarantee, amounts to a consistent exercise schedule in the later stages of her life. One that from the sounds of it she needs to be conditioned up to so that she's not just willing but truly able. Identify the outlet, outsource it if you must.
Yes, she deserves a fulfilling life (and she may have lived most of it at this point). She also deserves peace, security and the company of those she loves in her golden years. There is a trade off no matter what path is chosen, be cognizant of that as you proceed.
Beautifully written, and very
Beautifully written, and very insightful points, thank you.. She is definitely bonded to DH and this family, and would be heartbroken if permanently separated.
I agree. We get our pooches
I agree. We get our pooches from the shelter, and whenever I bemoan that I'm not the perfect dog mom, DH says, "Are you kidding? This is the best home they've ever had."
Which is true. The love of the family is an important thing too.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. My sense of what's normal *or* ideal for dogs is limited, so I appreciate all perspectives - especially from seasoned dog owners.
I had another talk with DH tonight about the dog's needs. He admitted he was selfish and short-sighted in getting a breed that he liked, but didn't have the bandwidth or spare funds at the time to provide care. Now we do have the bandwidth and funds, and habits must change.
He agreed she needs a long walk at least once every day, and we're going to make a nightly routine of a walk together. Honestly, it's a good way for us to reconnect each evening too. The kids will take turns getting her out every morning or afternoon on the days they're here (remote learning helps here).
If this routine just doesn't stick, I'll be hiring a dog walker. Rehoming would be too cruel to the pup, as well as to the family.
I realize I'll be the one to enforce these habits (especially as the weather gets colder), but well - my steplife has been pretty easy so far, and it would be the same in an intact family. Guess I'm a dog owner now too. [Sigh!]