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DH may let SD13 live with BM full time... Any advice/suggestions?

PestyBrattyMama's picture

DH had SD13 and SS10 and has 50/50 week on week off custody with BM. BM has been on a PAS campaign for at least 6 months or so and it has worked wonders on SD!! She is uncooperative and defiant. Lies and steals. Tells DH she hates him as often as she can and says she hates it here and wants to live with her mom all the time at least twice a day. Basically does everything she can to show she won't follow any rules we have. He has always maintained that less than 50/50 was not an option. I don't know what's happened in the past month but SD has amped it up! It's ridiculous and the stress in the house gave me a 4 day migraine. DH finally told me he's seriously considering letting her live with her mom full time after she's gone to a couple more counseling sessions with him. He thinks it's important she goes at least one more time because he's said she's not moving out of here because he's not giving up on her so we need to make sure it's understood that's not necessarily what is happening. We just can't have a household where everyone is miserable (including her, so it seems) because of her behavior when it's flat out unnecessary.

Here's what's happened this week
she's taken the bus home from school instead of going to boys and girls club and lied about how/why it happened
she's stolen her laptop out of the hiding spot DH had it in and hid it herself
she's gotten the wifi password off the router after DH said she couldn't have it (for her iPod after she lost her cel phone due to attitude)
she's called me a liar to my face during a conversation we were trying to have with her (untrue and didn't go over well)
she argues with DH every time he speaks to her
she's unfriended my DD from FB and said it was because I've unfriended and blocked her (I did this months ago because she'd read things on my page, make assumptions they were about her and then not talk to me about them) - I know big deal but just another example of how she's withdrawing from our family.
Hmmm... Those are the big ones that are sticking out for me.

My suggestions to DH are that he go ahead and allow it but enforce that she is to come over for visitation on the weekends when SS10 is here during his week (so every other weekend) but what else should he add to this agreement with BM? Poor guy is really not great at thinking on his feet so we're going to have to have it all outlined before he presents it to her.

This just sucks. After the bus incident he called the transportation office to verify her story and was told "huh, she shouldn't have ridden the bus to your house anyway, her address was changed to BM's rental property address within walking distance recently so she's not eligible for bus transportation without a note anyway. They've definitely had a plan for awhile now.

Comments

PestyBrattyMama's picture

Thank you! I appreciate this reply. I've actually mentioned to DH that we can't have the flip flopping but hadn't thought about adding a time frame of when we will re-address her moving back in with us. That's great advice!

whatwasithinkin's picture

Had the same issue when sd was 11. She was actually physically combative. Dh let her go and he was a 44/56nsplit.none word of advice, you can never ever let her back in. Because if you do like i did, you will resent her, and dh. And trust me she is gonna try to fli flop houses. Learn from my mistake pls

PestyBrattyMama's picture

So is EOW even worth trying then, in your opinions? Or do we leave it basically up to her. It just makes me sick that a 13 year old girl has so much power and is so manipulative. She did learn from the best though.

notagain2012's picture

I would not leave visitation up to a 13 yr old. I agree, she will be trying to flip flop between houses, and pitting the two homes against each other. Always looking to get out of punishment.

I would stick to my guns about visitation, and least one night a week. But do not let her come back in a few weeks. She needs to learn that acting out is not the way to get what she wants. And DH may have to be prepared for his dtr to blow him off, but he does not need to jump when she says jump. Agree to Saturdays, and if she tried to twist it around to Sunday, or not overnight etc, say no. We have plans for you on Saturday. If you choose not to be here, that's fine, but we have other plans for Friday. Don't let her control him or the situation anymore than she already is.

PestyBrattyMama's picture

She's already pitting the 2 houses against each other. She's just learned BM will believe everything she says and commiserate with her and let her know everything will be better if she didn't have to be with mean old daddy and awful PBM so much and we tend to be a little more logical and verify her stories.

The plan if it's structured visitation would be to have her here on the same weekends her brother is here for his week - since DH has 50/50 week on/week off it would amount to every other weekend for SD. Or, I like the suggestion of maybe no overnights but a weekend day. I'm not sure if DH will like that though.

nothinforya's picture

SD14 left my home last July after almost 2 years of living there. What a blessed relief that her mother has to deal with her now, and not me! DH hasn't seen her since she left. They speak on the phone once a week, 2 out of 3 are arguments. Let her go, count your blessings, and don't ever let her come back. SD's mother went on a phone campaign of PAS that took from Feb. to July to reap the reward she was looking for- an end to CS. It's worth the money going out from us to BM now to be drama-free.

RedWingsFan's picture

We've dealt with the same. SD14 has been living full time with BM since last June. We tried forcing visitation back in October, it was a disaster.

Now BM is taking DH to court for full custody and full child support. He's flip/flopping on whether to just let her go entirely or fight it. I think he may just end up giving up. The kid has her head so far up BM's ass, it's not even funny. Nothing DH says gets through to her. He's about done.