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Concerned about SD4's attachment to BM's XBF

Onewillfullstepmom's picture

Submitted by Onewillfullstepmom on Mon, 09/30/2013 - 2:27pm

Does anyone have experience with this? I need some guidance.

BM groke up with live-in bf a year ago, and granted he and SD4 had a good relationship. However, SD4 still talks about him as if he were still around. We have all told her repeatedly that he has moved away (which he has, another state) and she still can't seem to let him (and his dog) go. She is a highly artistic child and she loves to color and draw (pretty much all day) she will frequently draw herself, DH, and I (and sometimes our 3 fur babies) and then she will draw BM, XBF, herself and "her dog". I don't want to make it worse by beating her over the head with the fact that he is gone, but at the same time I am not sure it healthy to perpetuate this fantasy that he is still in her family. When I have explained again that he has moved away she says "That's okay, Mommy will put the picture on the fridge for him." She talks about him every day, to every one. She even told my parents (whom she also has a great relationship with) that XBF made Mommy sad. I know her life must be confusing with people coming and going all the time, but I just don't know if I should let it go and wait for her to forget about him... in another year? or if we should keep trying to get through to her...?

Any thoughts? suggestions?

Comments

somedevilishbeauty's picture

Submitted by somedevilishbeauty on Mon, 09/30/2013 - 2:36pm

i personally wouldnt worry too much about it, she must have been very fond of this guy, misses him and she is just showing her feelings.... in time i'm sure she will forget about him in time or show less interest. SS really liked BFs ex BF and he talked about him a few weeks after the break up and would openly tell people that he went to jail( oh the innocence of a child) Now she has a new BF which SS says they are "buds" an he doesn't bring the ex up anymore.

Onewillfullstepmom's picture

Submitted by Onewillfullstepmom on Mon, 09/30/2013 - 2:46pm

That's fair, but you are talking about a few weeks, I am talking about an ENTRE YEAR, plus BM has a new BF and it seems like it has exasperated the situation. Granted I am not sure that SD4 is aware that the new BF is in fact a BF (he is the uncle of one of her friends).... I don't know seems a bit odd for a 4 year old to fixate that long....

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Mon, 09/30/2013 - 2:52pm

Yeah, a year is along long time for a 4 year old. Its very weird that she discusses him daily and draws him as part of the family.

Is there any chance that there was anything inappropriate between them? Could that be the reason this kid feelz that she has to stay this bonded to this man?

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Mon, 09/30/2013 - 2:52pm

Yeah, a year is along long time for a 4 year old. Its very weird that she discusses him daily and draws him as part of the family.

Is there any chance that there was anything inappropriate between them? Could that be the reason this kid feelz that she has to stay this bonded to this man?

Onewillfullstepmom's picture

Submitted by Onewillfullstepmom on Mon, 09/30/2013 - 3:07pm

I really hope nothing inappropriate happened, not sure how I would know for sure, she hasn't shown any signs of any abuse physically or sexually. She has never said anything that would lead me to believe any has happened... Beee

somedevilishbeauty's picture

Submitted by somedevilishbeauty on Mon, 09/30/2013 - 2:55pm

my SS has a very short attention Span and goes from one thing to the next your SD must have a good memory. given time i think she will move on just keep an eye out in case some behavioral issues start up then maybe consider counseling or have her just talk to someone about how she feels.

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Mon, 09/30/2013 - 2:38pm

Is she receiving counseling for this? The comment "XBF made mommy sad" leads me to believe that she has unresolved issues over this.

Onewillfullstepmom's picture

Submitted by Onewillfullstepmom on Mon, 09/30/2013 - 2:47pm

DH doesn't feel that counseling is necessary... Plus I doubt BM would EVER go for that.

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Mon, 09/30/2013 - 3:01pm

It sounds like BM is thinking "he'll come back!" and keeping that fantasy alive in your SD. If BM isn't encouraging it, it's very odd that she's still holding on to this.

Onewillfullstepmom's picture

Submitted by Onewillfullstepmom on Mon, 09/30/2013 - 3:05pm

As far as I can tell, BM wants nothing to do with this guy anymore and a few months after the break up, she told us to continue to remind SD4 that he moved away.