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And just like that...

oneoffour's picture

I have been separated and divorced from my ex for 20 yr and 5 mths. In that time I recovered from his shock walkout, remarried and moved to the USA. My 4 kids are aged between 37 & 28. Yesterday after a series of weird but troubling facebook posts, texts and messages and police involvement he was founf dead as the result of a gunshot wound. 

Our splitup was not amicable but over the years we have reached an understanding of kids first. Now I have heartbroken children to deal with, 2 here in the USA and 2 in Australia (where their Dad lived). Their stepmother is leaving the funeral up to them. Well she did ask ex for a separation the night before. And her health is not the best. But my son has BPD and he is completely lost without his Dad. My daughter (the oldest) is shattered. Thse 2 are expected to plan a funeral for their dad in the muddle of this covid crisis. My kids here are heartbroken. Can they get back? Probably not in time for a funeral. There is the quarantine issue. I cant go. No bereavement leave for an ex-wife. And I cannot stop crying for my kids when I see how broken they are. 

So suicide is not an answer.. He will never meet his newborn grandson in Thailand (!ong story). He will never see his grand daughters and sons again. #2 daughter turns 32 in exactly a month. #1 daughter follows in July and #2 son in August. Now dad-less days with no emails, texts or calls. Nothing. They are so worth it. He robbed them again. The first time was when he walked out and went back to Australia. And again. I cry for my robbed children and grandchildren. 

My compassionate side feels sad that his life was in so dark a place this was the only way out. But my angry side is so angry that again I am picking up the piecez of a much bigger mess and trying to hold this all together. I hope he is finally happy.


JRI's picture

I'm very sorry for you and your family, what a shock.

My XH died a few years ago, not a tragic suicide, but following a long illness.  I was surprised by my own reaction.  I hadn't had contact with him for years and only had news of him thru BD.  I was kind of stunned that it felt like a blow considering that I was the one to leave, with good cause, and never looked back.  I finally decided that my feelings (not exactly grief) were an acknowledgment that we would never settle things between us and grief for my young dreams which were now impossible.  Irrational?  Yes, but our feelings are our feelings.

On a more practical note, how horrible for your kids to have to make arrangements without your support in another country. However, if things are like they are here with the virus,  services will be very streamlined. Here, you can only have 10 people max in the funeral home and that includes employees!  A friend's son recently died and he told me at the cemetery, they couldnt even get out of the car 

Chmmy's picture

Nov 14, 2014 I got the call from my kids step mom that their dad had killed himself.  I had the exact same feeling, angry that he did this to my kids and his girlfriend of 15 years who my kids considered their stop mom.  Because he was not married to his girlfriend, my kids were considered next of kin but fortunately we were able to hand over most of that responsibility to their step mom because she wanted his ashes and to take care of the funeral.  Ihad so much anger toward him but as time went on it turned to sadness. My kids were 18 and 20 and in college.  They since have graduated found jobs and became successful and I wanted to share that with him and couldn't.  My son had a car accident with injuries and spent months off work and dealing with a brain injury and I wanted to share some of my sorrow with the other parent but couldn't.  You will most likely switch back and for the from anger and grief.  It does get better but suicide is tough to recover from.  I'm so sorry you can not be with your kids during this.  My kids rushed home from college when they heard the news of their father and we went to see their stop mom the next day to start planning the funeral.  It will get better. {broken heart}

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I'm so sorry for your kids and for you. 

Please let your kids know that there is no need to have a funeral right away. Even before COVID 19, many bereaved chose  to delay funeral/memorial  services. Services take time to plan, last minute travel is expensive, and it's just more than a lot of us can put together in a week. Your kids have enough to cope with as it is.

Again, I am so very sorry for you and your kids. (((hugs)))