Living the Fabulous Single Life and how being a Divorcee agrees with me!
It has been almost 2 months since I become a divorcee. In all it has been fantastic! I have become more ballsy and believe it or not I even look younger!!!!
Some of you may not remember my story because some are new. But I was stuck in a pretty bad place with a husband who was verbally abusive, a BM who tried to control my home (without the tried cause she did control it) and with unsupportive in laws. My former stepson was a sweetheart but the situation made things so bad I could barely look at him.
I left in March (after being married only 7 months)filed in June and divorced in July.
My reason for this post is that I see many of you are still very unhappy. I don't come here to preach or to scold only to let you know that life is a lot better without the stress of stepparenting (at least for me).
In retrospect, because there are times I look back. I can't fanthom how the man wo supposedly loved me and made vows to me also turned me into "public enemy #1" when it came to him and his relationship with his son.
Why do these men do it? Why aren't they supportive of the person who they supposedly love?
Because we let them.
We have let them take or self worth, our dignity and our self respect all for the sake of keeping the peace. Is that "peace" really worth it?
Is the unhappiness and stress really compensated by having a warm body next to you at night? Perhaps a warm body that won't even hold you because it is full of resentment?
For me the answer was NO.
And I am happy.
6 months out and 6 months after I left, I am doing better than ever.
It appears I am aging in reverse. If you guys remember how my XH used to tell me I would never be able to get anyone other than an old ugly man who only would use me for sex.
Lets just say that my ex would be eating his words. Men flock to me. And lots of young sturdy men. And I laugh.
Like being a divorcee truly agrees with me. I smile more because I am happy.
I work, exercise, eat date and love. But primarily love myself. But I do ask, how is it that we get so esnared in a situation that we forget who we are-- truly lovely good women.
I know some of you will stay in that place for whatever reasons. If you do, keep the strength, but if you choose to leave, it's not bad out here, not bad at all.
- October8's blog
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Dorothy!!!
I question my sanity on saying yes to marriage!
I have unfortunately had to speak to him on a couple of occassion in regard to money he still owes me and the such. He is still his sad self.
Too bad I am no longer handing out pity to emotional panhandlers!!!
And did I say I am happy, I am laugh out loud happy!!!!
One can only hope!
Hey Minnie
Honey, the "rewind" button is when something inside of you says "enough".
Do you remember mine? WHen my Ex H threatened to call the police and say I beat him. That was the last day I stayed with him. I packed a small bag of clothes and left. ( I wore the same skirt to work for 2 weeks.
After that I tried offering him counseling and he grabbed on to that to keep me there. He would dangle couseling like a carrot on a stick. Like saying, "if you do this, I'll go to counseling with you" Jerk!!!!
It was not worth it. Being thrown under the bus, being the last priority, being less than human. I am much better than that buddy!!!
And Minnie, at first it does suck because you are so used to the person that it hurs physically when you are apart.
Now though, I rarely think of him. SOmetimes to discuss his lunacies.
The other day i was paying bills and I remembered all the lovers he accused me of having and I thought.. "where would I have had the time"
And life is so much better when you smile.
Now, I am dating. A guy younger than me. When he looks at me, he looks at me with disbelief.... when I ask him why he kinda shyes up, blushes and says "I just can't believe you choose to be with me"
And I do choose
One can only hope!
girly
just remember that life is to short to be miserable. Let me share a quick something.
Last week I got into my 1st argument with my new "friend" Mr. B. Well, I was being a real B***C to him and then I had a thought.... why am I trying to be miserable over something so insignificant... where my EXH was EVIL to me and I just took more, more and more.
My answer:
1) Because now I am overly vigilant to not taking injustice from anyone.
2) Because I am scared of hurting.
My solution:
I smiled at Mr.B/ dropped it, kissed him and enjoyed him. I refuse to fight for what's mine. But I am willing to drop the little things. After all, we are here to be learn, to be insightful and to love and be loved.
One can only hope!
That is excellant advice to
That is excellant advice to follow.
When my DH died, I realized he was an asshole to me and I wasn't going to stand for that from any man again. We let little shit go and think before we discuss the big stuff to prevent either one of us being nasty to the other.
My 'single life' motto was: I don't want any more regrets. If I have to bitch and complain, it is a regret and I will move on.
I work, exercise, eat date and love.
I Love the ending to your post, congrats on being happy!!
thank you
Besides the happy or perhaps along with the happy-- I have learned to be greatful for the people who do love me and will go to bat for me no matter what!!!
So I am lucky to have them in a sense.
One can only hope!
I remember the time between
I remember the time between my divorce from my children's father and when I met my current DH. I have to say that I was completely content and happy coming home everyday without anyone to answer to and to sit on the back porch in peace watching my children play.
____________________________________________________________________________
“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
yes
yes, yes middle mom. Often I come home to be alone. I don't talk on the phone and rarely watch TV.
But the fact that my life is no longer full of accusations or mistery gives me so much peace.
It is almost like a bad dream-- the months I was married. I worried so much about my Ex and the BM. Not to mention the finances.
Now, there is only me to take care of and it is a relief. The funny thing is that previous to getting married I was so anxious to be married, I was nearing 30 and still single. Now I know how lucky I really was.
My counselor says that it's a good thing I left early and relatively unscathed.
One can only hope!
Funny thing Crayon
It's almost like I don't even care anymore. It's sad really that I used to have all these feelings for the man and now I don't even think about him. Not even to regret things.
I wish him well, but I would never want to be in the same room with him again. As far as his parenting style goes, he can now do whatever he pleases.
I could have been a good influence for his son. Things didn't work out that way and better for me.
I have my sleep back. I no longer have to cook if I don't want to or change diapers or deal with BM stress.
What I can do and tremendously enjoy, is papmepring myself. Coming to work early and staying late. Also, drinks with GF's!!!!!
In all life without expectations or explanations
One can only hope!
you put up with too much
(((hugs)))
be happy for you girly!!!!! You don't need the drama and heartache or the lack of consideration.
Sometimes I imagine you, writing books, skid free. Maybe crayon, you can be by yourself for a minute and then look for a man who treats you like a queen and who has no kids!!!!!
That's my wish for you!
One can only hope!
I echo your sentiments on
I echo your sentiments on the end of the relationship when it spirals out of control. I'm so glad to see that you're doing so well. If you haven't read it, I suggest the book "Eat Pray Love." If we get enough of us, I think we should go eat our way through Italy for four months. Make a list of any restaurants you really want to try, and have the guys take you out. That was the best part of becoming single (for me, anyway).
To every thing there is a season.
Ana
I read the book when I first left him. It gave me a lot of hope.
Now I have grabbed life by the horns and I am the one doing the riding!!!!
Who says we can't have everything we want. I don't. Looking back I am sure I was meant to live that chapter with my XH so that I could be set back on a path I had forgotten.
I had become too selfless in my giving to him and now I am more selfish.
Yet, I am able to be more compassionate and helpful because I am no longer willing to do everything for people. (what's that saying about teaching someone to fish).
As far as the sabbatical, it is still in my plans, but may have to be postponed a year or two!!!!!
One can only hope!
ana...
I LOVE that book! One of the best one's I have read!
Ahhh...MY FAVORITE!!!!!
Highly recommend that one myself and have many times over!!!!
GOOD FOR YOU!
Oct8,
Good to hear from you again. Obviously you did the right thing. I too went through rediscovering the Rags I liked after the demise of my first marriage. 2.5yrs of nearly ZERO intimacy married to the Psycho Ice Queen was enough. I owe her a huge debt of gratitude for leaving me for her Fortune 500 Executive Geriatric Sugar Daddy and letting me rediscover the REAL Rags again.
I am now 15yrs in to an incredible marriage to my Soul Mate and can completely attest to the significant difference between a crappy marriage and an incredible one.
I remarried at 30 after 4yrs of glorious bachelorhood. I mention this only to put light on the fact that there is no calendar date that says "you are too old to find an incredible partner to share you life with". Enjoy you life and when and if MR REALLY RIGHT comes along you will slide seamlessly from dating to an exciting mutually supportive marriage without a hiccough.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
it is soo good to hear that you are doing well
It is good to know that you have found peace. I truly believe that having peace in someone's life is worth more than anything else.
Glad to know things have worked out for you. Best of luck!
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
again
thank you. Also, thank you for all of the encouragement! The peace is worth everything else!
One can only hope!
I hope
that one day I can attest to the same!!!
One can only hope!
Good for you!
I am so happy that you have moved forward positively in your life! Girl, I SO wish I had the guts to do the same. The thing is, my DH is wonderful. Aside from the fact that he's had a vasectomy and doesn't want anymore kids (I want one b/c I don't have any so we disagree on that)...things are actually great (as long as the SD's 12 and 15 are not around). He is totally on my side when it comes to the SD's and refuses to let them and BM disrespect me and our marriage.
He loves me with all of his heart and I feel the same way about him. But with all of the BM and SD drama, I just want to leave sometimes. We have been together for a year and 5 months (married for a year) and I cannot believe the amount of stress I have been under all of that time.
I feel like my life has been turned upside down. I was 35, a single girl with a dog, no baggage, no problems, a great job, living in a city/state that I loved, enjoying my family and friends. I was SO HAPPY! Then I met DH, married him, moved to HIS state (where BM is from) so he could stay close to his kids and it has been a living NIGHTMARE ever since. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I feel that I have aged 10 years and I am truly the most hated person in this situation...the kids and BM literally blame EVERYTHING on ME because they are all pissed that DH remarried. I left all of the people who love and adore me for THIS SHIT?? I question my decision daily. I love DH...he is the love of my life. But is it REALLY worth it?? I don't know anymore.
So glad you are happy...you deserve the BEST and never forget that!
Love
lovelovelove
There are so many buts in life that I am glad your DH isn't one of them.
I often tell myself now that if I was to get involved in step situation again there would have to be clear rules in place.
But I am only lying to myself. I don't have the desire to be involved in a step situation again.
Also, I think it's different if you don't have children. IMO, you compromise so much more because the daddies make you feel like you are selfish.
You are not being selfish if you seek what you want. What's wrong with wanting what you want.
Nothing.
One can only hope!
Many thanks....
I guess happiness generates happiness and misery generates misery. I am now able to see clearly.
When I am asked about my EX/ AKA the EVIL ONE, in reference to love, I say " I'm sure he loved me, as much as he could, which wasn't much".
And I am OK with that!!!!
One can only hope!
Thanks, Oct8!
Please do keep hanging around on this site and offering your perspective. Even though you aren't a stepmom anymore -- ESPECIALLY because you aren't a stepmom anymore -- your experiences really offer hope to a lot of people on here who have reached a breaking point. You are right, I think, to see your former marriage as having a lot in common with that of others on here, in terms of the level of abuse that has come to be part of the daily life of some of these poor women. I love reading your posts, as I've said before, and every time you write in, I cross my fingers and hope that something you say will strike home with someone who really needs to hear it.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Belle
I remember your special brand of "tough love" at the begining. I used to read all the replies and ask myself if there was any glimmer my marriage could be saved.
NO.
It was meant to end and could not have happened any other way.
I also hope that some of the ladies here liberate themselves from the misery they live.
I to used too be so unhappy and I too was scared. More so because I had to rebuild the dreams I had made with him.
It's much better now.
One can only hope!
I can relate...
After my divorce I remember the one morning I woke up alone, kids were at the ex's house.
The house was silent.
I remember it was the realization that my pity party has ended for me. The world was a different place.
I laid there, arms wide open, legs sprawled out taking up the whole bed.
And this smile came over me. And the thoughts of, I could do anything I wanted came over me!
It seemed like everything was perfect.
The temperature was perfect! (I know sounds strange)
Money was perfect.
The house was perfect.
The pain was gone.
The fear was gone.
I was proud of every single little thing in my life, everything had value to me again.
That person that I thought that had been thrown into the fire.
Just got up, dusted off the ashes, and within one step of walking away free. Never looked back. And walked forward with a happiness that I didn't know existed.
There is life after divorce.
I remember dating and meeting women and being as free as I was and as happy as I was.
I could sniff out a bad situation with a girl and could make a choice with that chick in a heart beat.
I didn't allow people in my life that I felt was not up to my standards.
Onward and forward! Always
I haven't
yet had a whole day to myself. I have been keeping too busy. But one of the things I would like to do before the year ends is lay in bed a whole weekend. Read a book or something.
Just being the quiet, thoughtful, studious me!!!!!
One can only hope!
October8!!!!
I'm so glad to hear that you're doing well! I remember your posts about all the hard times you had with XH and BM. I felt so happy for you when you decided to move on to what made you a happy woman. You'll have to post every here and there just to offer your perspective. Now that you're no longer an SM you truly have an outsider's POV. Oh and of course, let us know how you're doing.
Glad to hear that you're happy! Take care
Leaving my exH was the best thing I ever did for me
And the hardest for sure. I was single for 5 plus years, enduring illness and heartache, but still...
LOVING my life. OWNING my life.
I think that all of us come here because we let the ball drop on those two things.
Oct, I am SO incredibly happy for you- and hope you do continue to stay with us and cheer us on. ENJOY YOURSELF!!!!!
Oops! Used an absolute!!!!
I should say...
I think MANY of us come here because...
Not ALL.
If it's one thing SD's helped ME with in life it's no more absolutes- EVER! (Well...except THAT one of course!)
Congrats to you
Good to hear you've found happiness.