My first question is how long have you been in the relationship? I ask because if it's fairly new, the kids are still adjusting to you. If you've been together for a few years, then it's a little different. It really takes kids a long time to 'adjust' to a new step parent, sometimes they never do! However, it's never ok for a child to disrespect an adult. Maybe the fact that you're not THAT much older than they are plays a part in them not seeing you as their authority. I know it's rough, and hard to act like the adult when things get petty. I find myself acting more like a toddler than my 6 year old ss on occasion... he knows how to push my buttons. Just try to remember that as time goes on, it will get a little easier. Try to remember that you are the adult, and just be there as a friend if they need you. (I should take my own advice.) I find the best way to have peace around my house is just to stay out of his way most of the time. If he wants to talk, he knows where I am.

and this is a difficult task to do with preteens and stepkids. One thing that you must know as a "step parent" is that things are not always going to go your way. Even though your idea of children respecting adults is a good, it doesn't mean parents are going to enforce it, or that it is going to be that way. This is why the parents really need to put their foots down with their child and maintain boundaries.

If I were in your situation, and I have been, I speak with the parent of the child first and let them know where I stand. I am a firm believer that under no circumstances is a child allowed disrespect me ever. I express to the parents that I don't like what their child is doing, and that I do have expectations of them to do something about their ill mannered child. However, there are times when I am alone (and I try to minimize that so I won't strangle him) So when my ss throws his attitude my way, 1.) I calmly but firmly say to him "you don't need to talk to me that way, I am the adult here, not you.." and I politely remind the child that it is not okay for children to disrespect adults. When my ss tries to verbalize his excuses I quickly and repeatedly interupt with "at.." and don't let him verbalize anything. When he realizes that he can't verbalize his excuses with me, then he goes off to his room for a while. This usually does the trick.

Note to self, without the parents support, you will have an extremely difficult time commanding respect. Furthermore, when you do argue with a child, you are empowering them to manipulate you (I say this knowing we all have done this!) So do whatever you need to do to prevent yourself from arguing with a child...like I'm the adult, and what I say goes. End of discussion.

I hope this helps you.

Bests,
Candice

for any child to drop an fbomb to you directly, and his mother just let it go is totally unacceptable! This mother is putting her head in the sand and expecting you to either put up with this abuse or somehow handle it yourself. She isn't parenting him, the poor kid is parenting himself and angry for it, and he is going to take it out on you.

If you are seriously seeking advice, the first thing you need to do is seriously ask yourself how important is your sanity? First thing first, this kid isn't going to come around just b/c you are trying to influence him. He is going to act out as long as his mother does nothing about it. I don't care how fine this woman is to you, she is not defending her relationship with you, and her #1 priority in life should be her marriage, then her children. You are going to help HER provide a stable home to raise her son in, and for her to not value that is not putting her son's needs very high.

You need to reevaluate this relationship. You cannot make this house run peacfully if mother has her head burried in the sand. Be proactive, and have a very frank discussion with her about her parenting HER son, and establishing some good boundaries for the entire house. No man who has any self respect is going to put up with this long term...it makes me wonder if she is sabotaging herself intentionally..hmm..

If my ss dropped an fbomb...he would get smacked in the mouth by me, then his dad...fyi...kids talk shit b/c they know or think they are going to get away with it...

your own child as I recall is a toddler. It is always wise to be somewhat humble when our children are younger because if not, we may end up eating a lot of crow pie as I children reach the teen years. I am not saying that the parent involved in some of these situations are not lacking in parenting skills, but seriously, one never knows what your own children may do as they grow up and believe me, the most effective answer to every behaviour is not a smack. In about 10 to 15 years you will appreciate what I am saying because guaranteed as much as the stepkids aren't perfect, our own children are not either lots of times.

“I doubt that hopeful was saying that anyone WITHOUT bio or adult step kids have no right to give advice or adhere to a principal that have not encountered yet....”
I’ve pretty much gathered here recently from hopeful’s posts that this is pretty much what she is saying, but I could be wrong… although she has said as much to me in the past…on other forum postings…
You are right that New Jersey is one of the states that has completely banned corporal punishment in schools and so I would assume that the sentiment is mirrored in other state law governing children. However, on a national scale, I believe that you are incorrect about a legal parent being the only one permitted to spank a child. Many states still allow for children to get paddled in school (most of which are in the South, Southwest, Midwest and Central regions). Many birth parents in nearly have of the States in the US who’ve raised their own biological kids see spanking as a viable form of discipline so to say that someone who advocates for this form of discipline is doing something illegal or making an unintelligent decision based on limited wisdom/ability and experience is just silly…
Again to each his own…but where I find folly is in the argument that one’s opinion is “un wise” because it comes from someone who has not birthed a child and raised that child to age X…at which time that person becomes the Buddha of child rearing. Especially when that perspective is based on limited facts….
Sidebar: Burnt Orange huh?! *SMILE*

Make a GREAT Day!

My perspective in not based on limited facts. It really makes no difference to me whether you or anyone else spanks, slaps, hits or does anything else to their children or someone else's, whether it leaves marks or doesn't. There are also places that allow polygamy, spousal abuse and other varied points of law. That is not my words...it is easily accessed in case law and in scholarly research papers. As I recall, the lady on this site who was charged with abuse was from the U.S. It is a risky idea with someone else's kids. Believe me there were times when I felt like smacking or pushing my stepson...when I knew there were drugs in his room...when I knew that he was hanging out with a bad crowd and that it could endanger my children and my career. But I didn't and I am glad. You see there were many reasons that I purchased my own home and it was all for the better for me. I would never say to anyone else that this is what they should do. Each person must do what is right for them.

I teach a course in child care so my information doesn't come from my personal opinion or from any holier than though attitude. My entire career has been in the field of paediatrics, both in Canada and the U.S.A and I haved travelled a fair bit educating about the various aspects of child care. Does that make me an expert...in some things, yes...in others, no. But I can guarantee that my greatest education has come from raising two children of my own to young adulthood and my experiences with stepchildren who call upon me for advice and support(who by the way all get along great and who share all major celebrations together). And yes there are places that allow corporal punishment. You see I chose to leave the situation before I disliked or perhaps even resented them completely. That was my choice. Personally I could not be with a man who had some of the very complicated lives that I read about (multiple exs, kids and support in different directions, living from paycheque to paycheque because of supporting the ex and the sks, etc.) But that is me...I know my own limits and perspectives and so I could not go in that direction. But I have a great deal of respect for those who can and do have the patience and the perserverance to be in some of the situations that I read about. I have learned a lot from a lot of people on this site. But I must say that the perspective that many have about step children is anything but objective and the perspective about the biomoms isn't either. I would be the first to admit that about my own sks and my husband's ex.

You know I did not ever say that you or anyone else does not have knowledge about parenting because of not having their own biological children. But I will tell you that judgment about one's own children and sks is very, very different and the greatest wisdom about parenting comes from experience and often from choices that as parents we make that we regret. I would also be the first to admit that as well. That is why I often believe that the most knowledgable people about parenting are the older folks, like my own parents who have been there and lived to tell about it.

I also recall in one of your posts that you stated that "a couple that knows it is over but just hasn't admitted it yet, but it is basically over except for the paperwork." That was me that you were referring to and that is okay...your opinion. This situation is far from over...the only thing that is over is the bickering, the hurting, the anger, etc. But you know your post did make me think "is it over?" and I spent some time reflecting on that and I appreciated that little push. I came to the conclusion that this is the way that things have to be right now and I am very content with life.

When someone who has survived the death of a child gives me advice, I listen to there experience because I haven't been there. When someone tells me about what it is like to loose their spouse to death, I listen to that as well because I haven't experienced that. When someone tells me what it is like to have a child with special needs, I also listen because I cannot relate. And when someone who has raised children some time ago tells me about various aspects of parenting, not sweating the small stuff, that everything is survivable as long as your children are alive and healthy, I listen to that to because there are many experiences that I did not understand until I had to face them personally along the way. I listen and indeed that too is my choice. Yours too to make as you wish. I respect that.

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written very well

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...run!