In 1996 I was a brand spanking new soldier in the U.S. Army. I showed up at my first permanent duty station (meaning I was done training) of Ft. Gordon, Ga. The first day while I was in the orderly room turning in and doing paperwork I felt like an exhibit in the zoo, this is called the "fresh meat" stage, where the men in the unit start sniffing around. I met my future husband that first day. Within 6 weeks we were married, and within 8 weeks I knew I was pregnant. Along the way I found out my future husband had already had a son with a woman a few years prior. He decided to tell me one while I was stone cold drunk, the next morning I had this niggling feeling that something important had happened the night before, and I start rumaging in his drawers (he was in the shower). I found a picture of a girl with what appeared to be a 1 year old on her lap. When he came in from his shower I confronted him. He said he had told me about the night before, that he had once been engaged to the woman, then he went to Korea and she cheated on him, he did not believe the child was his, but recent DNA testing revealed he was. He told me she was a crazy woman who was stalking him. I asked him if he was paying child support and he said he was. I was fine with that.

We moved into an apartment off post, I soon realized he was talking to her everyday, that was not an issue but I was confused to the frequent contact with someone he claimed was crazy and stalking him. She came to the Army post to get ID cards for their son. My husband proceeded to tell me after the meeting, that she had started crying when she found out he was married. I was shocked. How could you have been talking to her everyday for weeks/over a month and not mentioned we had gotten married? Does she know I am 3 months pregnant? Were you leading her on? He said no no, he didn't want to start a fight with her. Yeah right letting her find out from the ID clerk that you were married was much better. I swallowed that story. I pushed him to have a relationship with his son. He never spent time with the boy who was then 2.5 years old. I told him him it was important for him to be a part of the childs life, and I would never interfere. After his first visit, he said he would not be going again. I asked why? He said it was too hard. I asked him what was hard? He said he still loved her. I was SHOCKED. In my mind I had never considered that I was a home wrecker, he told me their relationship was in the past. I told him, if he still loved her, he should go and be with her, that I was not going to be the reason that boy was deprived of a family. He said no no, it's not like that, he loved her as the mother of his child. He never did go back to see the boy, no matter how much I nagged him. I feel and always felt strongly a child has a right to know and love his parents.

Fast forward a couple years. Now we live in the Washington D.C. metro area. The Hubby is off at school in Arizona. My son is 15 months old. He is diagnosed severe to profound deaf. The hubby who is at a 6 month school refuses to come home, I am working rotating shift work at the Pentagon. Life is hell. I get a letter from the mother of his other son. She proceeds to paint me as a home wrecker, saying, upon his return from Korea they had started working things out, till I showed up. Told me how they spent time at hotels, and together, even while he was dating me. I called his best friend who corroborated everything she said. I confronted him, he called them both liars. I cave, but I continue to harass him about being apart of his other child's life.

Fast forward another couple years, we are in Virginia, I just had a little girl. I continue to try to get my husband to reconnect with his first son to no avail. I send a letter to the mom, just to make sure everything is ok. We get served with papers raising the child support in reply, a week letter hubby is served with papers requesting he reliquish paternal rights. I am hoping it is a wake up call, that he realizes he is about to lose his first born son. Nope. He claims the child support is too much and he would not have to pay it if he gave up his rights. I protested. While he did agree to spend a day with him, bringing our son along, he came home saying it would never happen again. He told me if I ever nagged him again about it he would divorce me. He signed the paperwork relinquishing his paternal rights, relieving hom of the obligation for child support.

Fast forward another couple years. We are now in North Carolina. I just had another little girl. She has a serious heart defect. The surgery goes very badly (they accidently clipped off her right pulmonary artery, after collapsing her left lung to place a shunt on her aorta, oh yeah, they cut her esophagus thinking it was her aorta too.) She spends months in the hospital, with a stroke, blood infections, and a host of issues related to the first surgery. I spend all my time at the hospital, because with everything that has happened, I do not trust the doctors. Every so often my hubby would relieve me for a weekend so I could see our other kids, who I missed so much. The hospital was 2 hours away from home. When he would stay at the hospital anytime my daughter had something stressfull done, he would leave her, and go to the bar. He said he couldn't handle seeing her in pain, I would get angry and say, when she is in pain she needs you there by her side, some kind of security. I would then not leave her side for months, until the staying at the hospital, missing my other kids, would wear me down to the point I had to go home.

Fast forward another year, we moved to Florida to be closer to hospitals. Within 29 days of the move, my youngest daughter dies. I was with her at the ER, in the room while she was dying, watching the doctors try to save her. He was putting up crown molding at the house with the two kids. It was the most horrific day of my life. The hospital kept calling him telling him he needed to come, but not telling him why, for fear he would get into an accident with the two kids. I held the body of my daughter for and hour and a half, waiting for him to show up so he could say bye. When he walked in the room, he looked at her and just asked, "so how long will she be staying this time?" I said "She's Dead". The look of shock that crossed his face was palpable. I walked around in a daze for a week, he started on me saying, I needed to start working (I got a job offer in the mail the same day she died), we could not afford to live on his salary. I started working 29 days after she died. 15 months after she died, my hubby asked me for a divorce. He said he didn't want to be married anymore. I fought it, I did not want to put my kids through anymore pain. I fought for 6 months. I gave up. He decided he wanted to move back to NC, and he wanted me to move to, so he could stay near the kids. I had a permanent job in FL, but the one I was being offered in NC was only a 4 year gig, however it was a promotion. I was looking at being a single mom, so I figured I could use the extra money.

Now we are in NC, we have been here just over 4 years, divorced for 4 years. I waited 12 months from the divorce before dating again. I wanted to be sure I had my priorities in line, I bought my own house with money I made, nearly lost it in the second year but pulled my act together. I wound up spending 6 months in Iraq, and 6 months commuting back to NC on weekends from Washington D.C. but we are still in my home. Once I started dating it only took me 2 months to find the most wonderful man. He had been a single dad for over 2 years, and had 2 boys, one 4 and the other 5. He proposed after 8 months together, but I wanted to clean up my finances before we got married so we were engaged for 15 months before we got married and together just about 2 years. He is a wonderful man. His ex is another story.

I recently read First Wife's post and it got me to thinking about how I got to be here. I may have been the reason my first husband and the mother of his first child did not work out, but it was without my knowledge. He was the selfish ba**ard, who only ever thought about what he wanted, and not what his responsibilities may be. The current issues I have with BM, stem from a letter she sent comparing the loss of my daughter to her giving up her boys so she could continue to cohabitate with a documented drug dealer. I think you can all understand why this would set a very sour note to our relationship, add to that she is a major drama queen, who loves to stir up trouble in her own family, why on earth would I give her the opportunity to do that in my family. That being said she has been to our house for Halloween, and birthday parties, and I tolerate it with a smile. However, I can not find it in myself to be her best friend like she thinks we ought to be. I know that if I were to befriend her I would only be bringing misery down upon myself, and I believe I have had more than my fair share of that. My x now lives 2 blocks away from me, and is engaged for the 2nd time, this one is 9 years younger than he, and has no kids. I have some reservations since she has told me she is "not into kids" but I am willing to give her the benfit of the doubt. My ex is in Afghanistan, and I give the FSM every other Wednesday, and Saturday night, to start getting to know the kids. These are her only days off. My ex selfish man that he is, in the last year actually tried to take custody from me, and tried to reconnect with the estranged son, then stood said son up for their first meet face to face in 8 years. My son who knows of the estranged son's ehistence but has not seen him since he was 5 often asks me what happened. I tell him it is something he will have to take up with his father.