Well.. I am not sure what I did, but I managed to somehow get rid of my first bio/blog. It's only one day lost, so I am not sweating it too much. I first thought I may have dropped one too many F-bombs, but, I am assured that isn't the case. It is probably my newness to blogging. So, that said, I have read some interesting stuff over the last two days. The one thing that has struck me is the idea of SM somehow knowing what they were geiing into before they got into the situation with their respective SKIDS.
My first experience with SKIDS was excellent, and continues to be into my SD's , now 21 and 24 years of age adulthood. The beginning was an adjustment, like anything, but all in all, it was and continues to be the best experience of my life. It was a far different context than I have now, as I have my SKIDs full time, and I am the only Mother they really know, even now. I attempted to mend the hurt and feelings between what I call my girls, (I had them, from the time the youngest was 4 years old), but time and time again, they would be hurt again for their attempts. As young women, it is their choice. I feel no ego about them seeking their BM out, although I do worry and fear for them being hurt again.
Then came divorce and being alone, in the sense of my partner or husband in my life for a few years. I wanted someone in my life, but didn't, "need", someone in my life. I also wanted to be certain my girls had every bit they needed of me. When my youngest expressed that she wanted me to start dating again, I did, after another year. Then came my current husband and his two boys, then almost 3 and almost 9. Now, SS7 and SS 13 (very very near). This situation is completely different, and I expected different. Kids aren't cookie cutters. I know that. I walked into a world of habitual lying from BM, SS13, SS7 and a now husband who punks on me whenever I really think something is serious enough to address, which isn't THAT often. I raised teenage girls, and not a whole lot can get me, but manipulation and lying will ALWAYS get me. My household is taken over by an almost 13 year old little tyrant, who uses ADHD as an excuse for every single bad behavior he displays. His BM lies, and wonders why HE lies. My husband and I have these children 60-80% of the time. I find here is the only place I can come now,and that is here . as my family is sick of hearing it, my friends say cut and run... but I digress...
Well meaning people will always say, "You knew what you were getting into, he has kids". What that really means is a passive aggressive way of saying, "I have given up everything I hold dear to raise my little urchins, you can too, stop bellyaching", but here is the catch... they aren't OURS to cater to, spend our time on, money on, give up half our lives on, to have a BM who does nothing come and dictate, when more than half the time is absantee, what is and isn't going to happen in MY house. My answer to that is, "Take them, do what I do, pay how I pay, spend the time I do... then you STILL have no right to dictate MY household any more than you feel I have a right to uphold rules for YOUR children in my household. If you don't like that.. you know where they are staying, come and get them". Only, BM's time is WAY too preceious to her to actually give up that time out with her girls or getting her nails done or partying at her friends house, (yes this woman is nearing 40), nor can she hold a JOB that was handed to her by ,.... yours truly. So....
What of the other side of the coin? The person who has raised their children and now is faced with a man (or woman) with children? Did that person know they were getting an independent woman or man? Does that persons life no longer matter? Is it ALL for the kids no matter how rotten they become or are allowed to become? Are we to trade ALL of ourselves over for the sake of a BM or BD's EGO rush of dictating a household or a life she NEVER cultivated in herself? The other half of that puzzle is not a non-entity. Personally I believe the same can be asked of men and women who wind up with singles or men or women with grown children. The same respect is deserved on BOTH sides of that coin. I didn't raise brats my first time around and if I am expected to raise these kids then BM can shut the F up until she decides she feels like doing it herself. I cultivated my life to own my home, these are MY rules. If they don't like them, I am sorry, they can most assuredly go to BM... guess what? She's NOT HOME. Why did we do it when we "knew " what we were getting into? Because we LOVE.. amazingly enough, alot of he venom the haters out there , (I have read some), spew is guilt for not doing what they were given the responsibility to do when they gave birth. Guess what, I would love to go blow $300 on a pair of shoes again ,instead of tumbling class for SS7 after BM never followed through with the classes , rather than break a promise to him, but guess what.. we ALL do it for LOVE, despite the anger. That is the answer. If the BIO's who do nothing could get their EGO's out of the way, would their really be a struggle? It is MUCH harder to choose to love someone elses child than to LOVE a creation you gave birth to. Evil Step parent? Try Saints.. some.