Need advice....please
Ok I'm not too sure where to start but its sort of a long story. Anyways I feel trapped but I know I can get myself out of this. Ok I had an incident happen that kind of forced me to leave my place, well I was talking to this guy at the time and he asked me to come live with him and his two kids ages 7 & 8. Well I took the offer cause he told me he'd help me out. Boy did I make the BIGGEST mistake of my life cause he and his kids are messy as hell. I can't take it anymore its getting on my last nerve. He is a very nice guy but I already sense trouble between his two D's in the future because they already have this attitude that well if daddy buys her something he should buy us something too. I don't have no kids but I want one soon but not by this guy cause I can already sense that the two he has are gonna be jealous and I'm not raising my kids like his cause I want to be in control cause he has no control. He tells them to clean they don't do it, they don't even like taking baths they whine and complain. I mean they treat me with respect and all now they are nice its just the other things I can't stand like messing things up, they'll go to the restroom then go open the frige without washing hands, when we go out to eat they drive me crazy they have basically no table manners, pointing in my plate asking me what it is or if they get mad at something they start whining turning in the sit basically throwing a tantrum. He said his BM was gross when he met her and he is trying not to get them in her old habits of sleeping with a pile of clothes on the bed and things like that but they still do it. Throwing clothes on the floor and sleeping with dirty clothes no home training. BM not in the picture she lives out of state she didn't show up for court during the custody battle so she lost rights but his momma is and that makes me feel some what uncomfortable too cause I feel that she uses the kids for information and to be honest she kind of acts like she the BM. The way she pops up sometimes. I've always been a clean woman all of my furniture has always been nice, he had only a couch til I moved in so if I move I'm taking all my things. He told me he would help me when I came but it turns out I'm helping him. He is very sweet I love the fact that he likes me for me, I could be looking my worst and he still tells me I'm beautiful he is the first guy I've ever gone with that wasn't a jerk but I have my pet peeves and I really can't take it. The girls mess up everything, he messes up the kitchen cause he only cooks certain things, I feel like when I clean its all for nothing cause they mess up the place right away, we have nothing at all in common, and basically I'm unhappy cause he is just not my type he doesn't like to dress up, I do, he smokes, I don't, I like to workout and go out, he is boring. And I love to cook but he only eats certain foods. I can't do anything that I usually love doing and its obvious that he is addicted to filth cause the house doesn't stay clean. I've had it and I want to leave and I don't think I'll ever date a guy with kids again. Is it just me am I nagging over things that don't really matter, he says I do but I like to relax in a clean great smelling house. So should I stay and pray it gets better or run as fast as I can? Do kids start being a little neater and cleaner when they get older? I tell them all the time girls should be clean and neat. What should I do?
By the way I've been reading blogs on this site and some of you have given me ideas on co-parenting skills. So I've finally decided to post my first blog and ask for your help. Please give me your honest opinion. Am I being too picky or don't I at least deserve to be happy in a clean disinfectant environment?
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Comments
Wow..where to start. I don't
Wow..where to start. I don't think you're being too picky. You like to live a certain way and there's nothing wrong with that. It's important to you. He probably won't change. It sounds like you two are not compatible at all. The only thing you like about him is that he likes you and you can be yourself around him. How long did you know him before you moved in with him? You said you were starting to talk to him so it doesn't sound like a long time. You say he is not your type...why in the world are you even considering staying? It's not fair to him or his kids.
Bottom line is, do NOT go into a relationship trying to change the other person. What you see is what you get. It does not work. Do you want him to try and change you? You need to accept him for who he is or leave. It sounds like you make poor choices when it comes to men. Why don't you spend some time alone and work on yourself...figure out why you're picking "jerks". Don't settle. And please don't have a child until you're more settled in your life. It will be harder on you and the child.
I hope you can figure things out!
Yes your right, I did not
Yes your right, I did not know him that long. He wouldn't take no for an answer. I sort of felt like I was set up to move in with him. My place got broken into, I have no family and I panicked he was the only one I knew to call and he kept telling me I'd at least be comfortable or safe there. Thanks I feel like you have helped me make up my mind. As soon as I find a new place I'm going to leave cause I'm not happy and there is no need to fake it. Yeah he is already 30 so he is set in his ways he is not going to change. I deserve better and its already been 9 months and honestly I have not grown any feelings at all, actually I've lost feelings. Thanks for your advice I really appreciate it. If I would of know all this about him I would of never got with him. I never try to change anyone cause I don't want nobody changing me.
That sounds like a good plan
That sounds like a good plan if you don't have feelings for him. He may be a great guy, but you deserve to be in love! Maybe you two can be friends. Sorry about your place being broken into...that happened to me when I was living alone. In my case, they broke into my apt. and the one across the hall and there had been a rash of break-ins around that time, so I knew they weren't after me, just stuff. I stayed there. I can understand how you would want to feel safe, especially not knowing anybody there! I'm glad you could make a decision!
Don't dismiss the things that
Don't dismiss the things that are irritating you about his household management and parenting as trivial or changeable. It's the small stuff, like different standards of tidyness, cleanliness, manners etc that are the nitty gritty of everyday life and which will not only drive you mad as time goes on, but also cause a huge amount of stress and conflict if you try to change them. Those habits are ingrained. Personally I would rather cope with different religious or political views than someone who is a slob while I am tidy, because you can agree to disagree on politics and avoid discussing it, but dirty clothes on the floor and a messy kitchen will be in your face every day.
It would make co-parenting particularly difficult because from the outset you and he would not be presenting a united front on household rules, and even the best SKids would end up either exploiting that to divide and conquer, or take against you when they sense conflict with their bio parent, with whom their loyalty will inevitably lie. This can easily lead to resentment of the children, which would not really be their fault because they have simply been raised with different standards.
It sounds like it is early days for you and this man, I would think very carefully before getting in any deeper and take some time and space to reflect on what is important to you. This man may be sweet to you but that is not enough to sustain a relationship with the kind of baggage you describe.
Thank you so much. That is
Thank you so much. That is the same thing I stated that even though I try to instill the right values the same way I plan on raising my children I fear that there will be resentment in the future and of course when they get older they are still going to side with their mom. Although she barely calls or checks on them guess what on the oldest ones birthday she still thought of calling mommy, mommy didn't call her. Every other week or so its I miss my mommy. I feel so sad for them cause right now they are too young to understand. Yesterday we had a talk and he said he'd try but he runs his own business and being at work 24/7 its hard for him to do certain things around the house all the time but he will do as much as he can. When there with me I can't get them to listen. I tell them and he even tells them clean up but they don't, but then when he demands it they get the clothes of the floor and hide them under the bed, under the sheets, basically any place other than where they belong. Im taking both of you guys advice and thinking very carefully.
And as of yesterday I told
And as of yesterday I told him I was moving and now we are only friends cause I don't see things getting better cause there is a lot to work on and I don't want to change him cause I wouldn't want anyone changing me if that's what I love or am use to. So there is no working this out and I don't want him to have to change for me. I'd rather him continue to be himself. Your right I think those habits are ingrained.
I think that's a really
I think that's a really brave, sensible decision and you will look back and feel increasingly confident that it was the right one. I wish you lots of luck finding someone special who is more in tune with the things that are important to YOU.
I hope he understood and you
I hope he understood and you can part peacefully. I think you made a good decision, based on your posts. Keep us updated how things are going!