A glimmer of hope, I think
DH and I spoke last night and I told him that they only hope for us is family counseling. He and I talk completely past each other when it comes to SD and discipline. He informed me that they went for a ride and he yelled at her for 1/2 hour. She was crying and said she didn't understand why she is in trouble. This is all too familiar...each time she gets in trouble, she negotiates her way out of it with her dad and makes me the bad guy. I am so sick of this.
On a slightly positive note, he agreed to family counseling. I told him that I will make the arrangements, but if he backs out of it, that is the end of our marriage because I cannot handle the situation at hand.
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Good!
I really think some progress could be made either way if you guys go through the counseling. For better or for worse, at least you won't continue in this stalemate. I wish you luck in that things will turn out the way you wish them to, whichever way that may be.
When I got into trouble that badly, there was no negotiation. I always wished that my home was more diplomatic when it came to discepline, but it was by far more totalitarian than anything. Looking back I think I like it that way better because it didn't give me the option to get into worse trouble or to not be in trouble for something that I really needed to learn my lesson from. Hopefully the counseling will enable your DH to take a less spaghetti-fingers approach to discepline.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
It will do wonders
a good family therapist will help all of you tremendously. I can't recommend it enough. Blended families are so difficult, and we all need guidance from time to time.
Sometimes I'm so frustrated with my ss, and how my dh handles it, then I go to counseling and he gives me an understanding of why kids do things sometimes, and amazingly the frustration goes away.
Bests,
Candice
A neutral mediator is always a good option
and if nothing else it will help to diffuse the situation. I think it's really easy for SMs to fall into the trap of appearing to nag or look unreasonable when they discuss step children's behaviour with BFs and yet we feel as though when we don't say anything the behaviour won't change because BF feels guilty, exhausted, complacent, etc.
There is a stereotype that SMs should be unequivocally caring, sharing and accepting - you know: "they're just kids", "you're the adult", "you knew this when you married him". Yeah - we know all that, but it doesn't prevent you from feeling put out and justifiably so.
You sound like you really want to make the situation better and I think that's a great platform to start counselling from. I'd really like to hear how you get on with it. It's a positive sign that BF is willing to participate and I think both BF and SD will get a lot out of really assessing the way their actions make YOU feel instead of you having to dodge bullets when you raise SD's behaviour.
Good luck!
Realist
~ A happy wife is a happy life ~