I have had it with feeling like crap, being treated like crap, being depressed, having anxiety, being sick, being angry, etc. I'm done. I'm tired of being emotionally abused on literally a daily basis, and when I'm not being emotionally abused I am remembering all the crap they have done. I go grocery shopping only to be pissed off by the time I'm done because when I get home I know all they're going to do is complain about the food I buy. I buy healthy food, they want to eat crappy unhealthy stuff that makes you fat -- so needless to say I hear about it non-stop. So while I'm shopping I can already hear them bitching -- so grocery shopping pisses me off. There are certain foods I simply cannot buy because they are such f'ing pigs that I can't keep it in the house because they've got to make sure they have their fair share so they will pig out on it and it will be gone in literally a day or two at the most. One box of cereal if it is sugar cereal will last one day in our house because they are such pigs!

FML!!! I hate my f'ing life right now. I was in a good mood until I got home. I got to babysit one of my favorite little guys tonight and he is such a character and so much fun, so I was in a great mood when I left. By the time I got home I was dreading coming home. SS18 was parked in my spot, which instantly pissed me off. I have asked him repeatedly to NOT park in the driveway, but yet he does it all the time. DH tells me not to make a big deal about it. Of course not.

So I'm re-reading my journal today, re-reading old posts, etc., and it just made me realize even more how miserable I am. I have been miserable from literally day one. I wish I would have never married this man or his miserable brats. I hate my life --- I HATE IT. The only good thing about it is that I have a great daughter that i look forward to being here every other week. She is actually a nice person, nice to be around, is respectful and nice to everyone in the house -- even though the skids are shitheads.

So the other day I made the decision that instead of praying the way I've been praying and nothing seems to be changing, I'm praying a different way -- asking God to either make some serious changes in our family -- for the better, bring healing and restoration by the time my daughter graduates in June, and if no changes -- serious changes -- happen that He would open doors for me to get out of this marriage. I am going to separate -- not divorce. I just told Him I don't know what else to do anymore, and I can't take it anymore. I have stayed with this family for 6+ years, and it has been awful. I don't think God intended for me to be abused.

I feel like this whole thing has turned me into someone that I am not. I feel like these kids would be better off without me, and I'm not killing myself (suicide) for that to happen. I'm walking out the door. Ironically in moving out I may need to find a home for my dog if where I'm moving won't allow me to have a dog, and I was more sad about having to give up my dog than losing my DH and his kids. I literally teared up in thinking about no longer having my dog! But not them.

I think it will be a huge weight off of me if/when I am out. I have been disengaging now for a few weeks, but I still have to live here for now because right now I can't support myself and my daughter because I've been unable to work due to my autoimmune condition. I've got a disability hearing set up for next month so am hoping that goes well. Another thing I'm praying about.

Nobody can say that I haven't tried. I've gotten on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, I'm seeing a counselor, doing light therapy to help with my depression also. My depression is related to this situation I'm living in! HELLO!!! My DH says to me the other day "well, is there another medication that you can take or something else you can do?" Yes, I can leave, that's what I can do asshole. When I told him I was struggling with more and more depression. I have a husband who won't listen to me -- who doesn't pay attention to what I'm telling him -- who dismisses what I tell him -- who thinks I'm just overly sensitive -- etc. F- U! And I wonder why I'm so frickin' pissed all the time too. It's because of HIM.

And he wonders why I never want to have sex. Boo frickin' hoo! Funny thing though -- once we've had sex, all is right with the world for him. But my world is still upside down and inside out, and a f'up mess to me. Did I mention that I am hating my life right now?

God is going to need to perform a miracle in my family for me to stay because right now....it's looking bleak. My Dad wants me to just come home now. He's ready to come up here and pack me up and move me home with him and my Mom. He hates to see this going on. He actually told my Mom "those people don't deserve her!" Awww I love my Dad!! If my DH was anything like my Dad, he wouldn't allow his children to treat me the way they do.

Thanks for listening tonight if you read this far -- I needed to get this off my chest -- again, so thankful for this site -- can't post this kind of stuff on FB....feel a little better after venting.