I wasn't ready for all of this...Advice please!
So my teenage SD(16) recently moved in with us, her moving with us was not planned, She came to visit for a weekend and decided not to leave. She came with no clothes or shoes and her mom hasn't and I don't think ever will send any of her stuff. So we had to start from scratch in every aspect, She has never stayed with us for more than a couple weeks at a time, she has always lived out of state with her BM and SF. Up until now I have never really had any issues with her. There has always been issues but its mostly been between my husband and her mom. They have never seen eye to eye on anything especially money and I have done my best to stay out of it.
Now that she lives with us I have noticed quite a few things that are starting to bother me. For starters she is super lazy. She rarely ever does anything around the house even if she sees/hears me trying to get everything done by myself which ultimately ends up to there not being any hot water for anyone else to shower. She spends all of her time in her room laying down on her bed. She takes 30-40 minute showers. She also has the tendency to go through my clothes and makeup and help herself to whatever she needs and never gives it back unless I ask for it. I don't mind sharing my stuff with her, I just don't like people taking stuff that doesn't belong to them without asking. She has been told to not go through my stuff by her dad yet she continues to do it.
She describes herself as a kind hearted person who loves to help people. She has always told me that she tries to help her friends who are going through a lot of emotional issues by giving them advice. I am now wondering how true that is. I recently saw on one of her social media platforms (which I am blocked from) that she smokes weed, vapes and she is considering getting her nipples pierced and another tattoo (her mom allowed her to get a tattoo earlier this year without consulting my husband); which my husband knows nothing about. According to her posts on this specific platform, she is on a "hood n***a and pretty girls vibe" type of mindset. (that is what one of her post said). She has been known to have issues with self esteem in the past and I have always tried to give her the best advice I can. I know its hard to be a teen girl these days. I have no idea what kind of life her mother gave her. We only know what she tells us and from what we have heard and read she sees her SD as her hero and her mom as the most loving mom ever.
When she decided to move in with us her mom said that we were responsible for everything that happened to her. That basically she was not going to be parenting her from far away. So here I am trying to figure out what I should do.I have three kids of my own who are younger(one with special needs) that I struggle with on a daily basis with school work and getting them to help around the house. When she first moved in with us I had a long conversation with her about drugs, sex, being honest with us and how important school was. She has obviously decided to ignore everything I told her. So now what should I do? I know my husband is a softy when it comes to her because he feels guilty that he was not able to physically be there for her on a daily basis and I know that he has felt like he was not as important to her as her SD is unless it had anything to do with money. I don't want to cause conflict between them and i don't want her to look at me a the bad nosey SM but I also don't think that what she is doing is right.
SORRY for the long post I just don't know where to start with her.
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DH issue
You need to have a really BIG talk with your DH. He needs to parent her, plain and simple. Plus, you will need to grow some vertibrea in the process. You are a mother of 3, she is not your responsibility. Mother dumped her? And this is the most awesome mother in the world? Why did she just decide she did not want to go back to BM's house? Was there abuse going on? This is irrelevant, really, but it might help us and you understand the situation better.
1) DH needs to get her off her butt and start asking her to help out in the household. Do some chores, make sure she at least cleans up after herself. She is not your child, but this is YOUR household and you have authority. Stop trying to be so nice! Your DH needs to parent her, pronto, or it will go badly for you.
2) who cares if you are being nosy, thats your JOB. You cannot control things like her lame social media posts, but getting tatoos and piercings, well those take money, and DH needs to not just be her personal ATM. Teens will not listent o lectures, they basically put you on mute Again
3) Going through your personal items is NEVER ok, even if she was a bio kid. NEVER. You need to talk to her and talk again, and then install locks on the doors or find a place where you can have locks, that only you can get to, if its impossible to lock up your bedroom.
4) put her on a timer and if you live in a house you can shut the water off, or if an apartment, then bang very loudly on the door. 15 minute showers are just fine.
5) If shes ignoring you, theres not a huge amount you can DO, because you are not the parent. Anything to do with respecting you and your children, yes she needs to listen about that, but personal stuff, thats your DH's parenting territory. Someone once told me that you cannot parent a child that will not allow you to parent them. I tried with Toxic Feral Eldest SD19, when she was 15. I tried giving advice and being friendly. Didnt work, she was dead set against me, plus had mini-wife control issues. Munchkin SD12 is another matter completely. She was around 8-9 and really welcomed my presence and allowed me to parent her to an extent. She asks me for permission to do things (when dad isnt available or she wants my help in particular).
At 16? Leave the parenting to DH. He might want to read up on things!
You have a full plate with
You have a full plate with your own kids and one that has special needs. Your H has to parent his daughter and own the part. Enough of the guilty dad bullsh!t! None of that is going to help her and make her into a productive human being. Rules have to be implemented and laid out and it has to be discussed with H on how best to do that and the consequences involved when she breaks them (because she will). SD going through your things is a UNACCEPTABLE and down right disrespectful! What did your H do when she did this? He has to put his foot in her @ss because this taking a back seat and lazy parenting is not helping any of you.
Your kids are also seeing this and you don't want them to think this is ok and the norm. Make H set up rules and boundaries and that he sees it through. Do not let him off the hook. This shouldn't fall on you! He needs to see and feel it.
You don't mind sharing your
You don't mind sharing your stuff with her? This is a big no-no- what she needs her dad has to get, otherwise you are sending the wrong message to this mixed up young woman. If you want to help her be a role-model of what a strong, confident woman is and stop trying to be her friend.
As everyone else has said-your DH should be helping her to get back on her feet and not enabling her to be a screwed-up, lazy and disrespectful person. He is too soft?? Well, you are the one who has to toughen up then, because two softy adults will not make a responsible and considerate child.