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Wedding Gifts… when do parents stop paying?

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Mon, 09/26/2022 - 6:52pm

This is a piggy back off of AGs post about flights... when do parents stop paying for adult kids wedding gifts.

Next year we have two weddings in SOs family. One of his nephews in august then a month later another.

We were talking about how that's going to be an expensive time with us vacationing, weddings extra...

For the 5 of us it's 2k for wedding gifts we need. A lot right? SS19 works full time.. makes $22 an hour.. only pays $180 a month on bills... I suggested he pay for himself.. he will be 20 and clearly can afford it.. SO shot it down... 

Well... when that time comes next year I won't be splitting it with him like I did this past November for another one of his nephews weddings... There are a lot of them... 4 kids in SOs family and between SO and his brothers 12 kids. This stuff is going to add up quick over the next few years and SS19 and SS17 (he will be 18 soon) just get to go along and not have to chip in... especially when they work.. 

SO has a niece that is also engaged but no date set.

Opinions. 

Comments

Loxy's picture

Submitted by Loxy on Mon, 09/26/2022 - 7:11pm

I would not be paying much (if anything) for kids that work full-time so stand your ground and make SO pay for it all. Hopefully you have separate finances to make it straightforward??

 

Felicity0224's picture

Submitted by Felicity0224 on Mon, 09/26/2022 - 7:15pm

I was in my early 20s when my cousins started getting married and I ALWAYS gave a gift just from me. It never even occurred to me to piggyback on my parents' gift. If I received a gift from my aunt and uncle and they included my adult cousins on the card, it would be so weird to me.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Mon, 09/26/2022 - 7:59pm

After 18, I paid for any gifts I gave anyone. I had a few friends that got married and had kids young, and I bought what I could for them. 

Now that OSS is 19, it's his job to buy gifts on his own. Since YSK is only 16, they get a limit on how much we're willing to give them to spend. If we're buying a family gift, DH and I pay for it but get input from the SKs.

In your situation, I assume you and SO have separate finances. In that case, I'd give your SO $X amount and he can pay for the rest as he sees fit. Not too sure what you should do if you have joint finances other than to tell SO the limit you're comfortable with spending and keeping SS out of it.

I do think it's poor parenting to not at least make SS chip in or recommend that he buy something additional. It's not about the money; it's about learning to be giving to others.

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Mon, 09/26/2022 - 8:50pm

I’m in complete agreement, l_dad! When my elder daughter married, my 15-year-old son not only walked her down the aisle (bio-dad was a deadbeat who moved 3,000 miles away to avoid paying a penny of CS) but gave her $50.00 of his own earnings as a wedding gift. He worked hard for his money, doing yard work, dog-walking etc. and back in 1993, $50.00 was serious cash for a young teen.

 My daughter valued that gift more than the big bucks from better heeled donors!

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 5:16am

It is poor parenting. SO was the baby of the family and was spoiled himself. That definitely wore off on him and then divorce dad guilt. He made the comment about how his parents didn't make him pay for gifts... I think he was referring to his brothers but he was 10 and a mid teen when they got married... not 20.

He was out of the house at 21 and married by 24... BM was 21 when they married but his will be 20 year old shouldn't have to pay... for his own gift... seriously makes no sense. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Mon, 09/26/2022 - 8:50pm

I was paying for wedding gifts at 16. I had a job, so I paid for them. 

Wedding gifts don't have to be expensive.

caninelover's picture

Submitted by caninelover on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 9:42am

I would have them pay, but it needs not be expensive.

At our reception, the older family members gave anywhere between $150-$200 per family.  Our parents gave much more but that's a bit different.  Not per person, that's excessive. 

I would tell SS a gaft card or small gift in the $50 range is fine (eg picture frame).  Or they can be like Bratty and give nothing LOL.

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 5:04am

Why must you buy such expensive gifts?

I'd say if you are planning on spending 2k for 5 people then I'd say your expectations of what young people could afford are not reasonable. It might be way out of their budget. But if you tell SKs to buy wedding gifts that they can afford, then I'd say they could and should buy their own.  I'd say $100 is more than enough.   

in addition if you aren't married then I'd say dad should  spend his own money on whatever gifts he wants to buy for his huge family. I'd not be paying anything especially if SKs don't. 

 

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 5:20am

1K per wedding.. $200 per person. SS19 can afford it. SS17 who will be 18 also makes 15 an hour with $100 a month for car insurance as his only bill. 

SS19 should pay completely for his own gifts. SS17 i think should provide something. Half is good. 

These weddings are a year away. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 6:05am

I see. I'd not worry about it then. Whatever happens a year from now could change 100 times. There are no rules how people handle this stuff. And I'd let dad deal with it. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Wed, 09/28/2022 - 9:38am

I guess I"m really confused at why each person must pay $200. When I attend weddings, I usually bring a $50 to $100 gift. Is this a cultural thing? Is there an expectation that each person is required to spend $200 on a gift? I would give ONE large gift from you and your spouse and have the kids go in together on a gift that you don't pay for. I don't think anyone is expecting teens or 20 somethings to spend $200. The meal at the reception is likely only $50 per person, so I think it's excessive to spend $200 per person on gifts.

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Wed, 09/28/2022 - 1:47pm

The gift should be enough to cover the cost of each guest's meal.  DH and I give more because we are well off, so I'd expect someone not so lucky to give a little less.

 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 6:21am

I started paying for my own wedding gifts when I was my aunties bridesmaid at age 13 ... My mother bought a lamp (it was hideous! LOL) and told me this was my gift and I'd be paying for it. It took a few weeks of pocket money ... Mind you, there wasn't another wedding in the family for another 9 years (it was my brother's wedding and I carried a coffee maker across France, England and Scotland by train for his gift - I'm surprised it arrived in one piece). 

You never know, your SS might surprise you and buy his own gift.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 7:39am

Wedding gifts are different than flights home to see mom/dad. Those are optional events. If the adult child can't pay for their own gifts, they don't need to go. Save the bride and groom (or parents) the money of that seat and don't go. I also feel like for you younger crowd (18-25) it is ok to purchase some of the cheaper items on the registry. They don't have to give a $200 gift, the $50-75 whatever is fine.

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 9:50am

SOs family is close and skids not going to their cousins weddings is not an option. $150-200 is a standard wedding gift per person IMO. The cost per plate for these weddings is that much. 

My point of the blog (granted there is no clear line because of different factors) is when to start holding bios/skids responsible for themselves in specific situations.

My skid works full time and can pay for a wedding gift... SO doesn't feel like he should.. AGs skid free loads and her DH is supporting a ticket that she should be able to purchase.. granted we both have a SO/DH problem I was just curious on how other people have handle same type of situation just different sceniro. 

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 10:26am

I think having the SKs contribute is a great idea. $100-200 each is excessive IMO, especially for a cousin (and what sounds like will be multiple cousins over the year) and when you're a young adult learning to budget. It would be better to set a $50 expectation and let them adjust upwards from there, otherwise they'll always think they need to contribute that much and may have anxiety around giving that in the future when bills do start piling up and they can't afford it.

Folks who host weddings need to recognize that their guests aren't there to repay their dinner in gifts. If a couple can't afford $100-200 per plate AND to furnish their new life together without gifts of equivalent value, then they need to tone down the wedding. $100-200 per family can be pricey in gifts. I can't imagine expecting $100-200 per person.

caninelover's picture

Submitted by caninelover on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 4:01pm

I don't understand the logic of invited guests covering the costs.  That's called a restaurant, not a wedding IMO.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Wed, 09/28/2022 - 9:40am

Exactly!! Are you invited to the wedding just so you'll bring a gift or are they inviting you to share in their special day? I would not like going to a wedding where it was REQUIRED that I spend a certain dollar amount. Any wedding that required that is a wedding I would skip and send a card with a $50 check.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 10:32am

If your SO has any guilty parent syndrome, he may feel obligated to cover skids. My DH wouldn't pay for/include the skids at any age, regardless of his income.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 11:24am

Your DH could be paying for skids to go, if there's no option they can skip the wedding. Was the invitation just to DH and family or to individuals?  If it was to the family, can you and DH not give one nice gift "from DH/Family"?  If the invitation was to the individuals and DH wants to pay for transpo for everyone - I would push maybe DH covers half the transp costs...start getting those adults/out of high school with job living like adults with jobs out of high school. They should pay at least SOME of the cost.  And if they recieved their OWN invitation then they provide their OWN gift or not. If not, invitations should naturally slow down or character will become known.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 1:29pm

Is there some "set" entrance fee gift you are obligated to give?  

If families are invited.. then they can give a gift as a "family".. and that would usually mean the family living under the same roof.. kids not living at home would get their own invite and have their own separate gift obligation. But the value of that gift?  really depends on the family's financial circumstances.. and i could definitely see a 19 yo living at home would not see his own obligation to buy something separatelyl..

 

BUT... perfect opportunity for his father to teach him the ettiquette... of gifting.. looking up a registry.. picking an item he can afford and having it sent to the couple.  it doesn't have to be a 200 dollar gift.

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Tue, 09/27/2022 - 3:53pm

No set gift and you are 100% accurate with the boys not seeing it as an obligation to give their own because they are still living home. I like how you put that..

100% is a teaching moment for SO to show them and or give on their own as they will be adults.