He feels like I am attacking him as a father, I feel like he is not doing what he should as a dad
So Bf and I are still planning on moving in together. after our long talk he really understood where I was coming from RE the Morning wake up routine. He feels it is necessary that we have OUR special time in the bedroom, That he never did that when he was a kid, and really doesnt know many that allow that behavior.
Today, I brought up when the lil dude comes he just throws all of his clothes on the LR floor. I approached BF with this and his respoinse was that it was not a big deal to him. REALLY?>??? Having responsibility for your property isnt a big deal. And he gets mad, he thinks that I always have something to say about his parenting, and I do. But I stressed that you have to put in the hard work NOW so later down the road it is easier. why cant he understand this. I feel like Yes I am always on his case, and I don't want that. I dont want him thinking he's a bad dad, cause really, hes sooo good with the lil dude, he has no problem shedding the adult and being funny. He has no problem interacting with him.But this is going to be OUR place, not just lil dudes.
I brought up the idea of using his toy basket ball hoop and putting a basket underneathe it for a fun way of cleaning up after yourself. He again replied it really not big deal to me. This concerns me, cause, I dont want to live in a place where lil dude is allowed certain behavior.
Also H E L P!!!! Lil dude has a huge seperation axiety, when we go to kids bday parties lil dude does not interact with the kids, and needs to be on daddys lap, he had a meltdown at one and we had to leave cause he was crying. I am very concerned about this, and I am not used to this. i hate to say it and i know its not right, but lil dude is a lil pussy about things. He wont play on any sports teams cause of his anxiety. Lil dude has been going to a child physcologist for this issue. I am not a part of this but both his parents are. First its his mom that arranges these parties on the weekends, guess what, she works, she doesnt see this. I told Kevin, if he really has these issues, just dont go. First the kids see him act like this and sooner or later they will start to make fun of him, so if he truely is that scared why put him through it till we figure this whole anxiety issue out. BF agrees but mom kinda doesnt. am I wrong for thinking that this approach is not the right one. I feel for lil dude, I have a sis with social anxiety and its really not fun at all.
HELP
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"Today, I brought up when
"Today, I brought up when the lil dude comes he just throws all of his clothes on the LR floor. I approached BF with this and his respoinse was that it was not a big deal to him."
The thing your BF fails to understand in this situation is, if YOU are going to be moving in with him, then these are not "parenting" issues, they are HOUSEHOLD issues. You do not like having crap all over the floor. It is your house, and you are one of the adults. You get to have your rule respected. Period.
I think that guys like this don't get that their parenting laxness affects more than just them and their offspring. Sorry, but if my DH's kid decides to leave her sh*t all over the house, then I have to step around it all day. If she does not make her bed before she leaves at the end of the weekend, then I have to make it. It doesn't matter that DH doesn't care whether the bed is made -- I care whether the bed is made. And as I told DH when we were first together, if he doesn't care that I care, then he doesn't care about me.
Your BF needs to have a come to Jesus meeting about taking care of his relationship with YOU. 63% of remarriages end in divorce. Why? All the baggage from the previous marriage, AND the tendency by one (or both) of the new spouses to expect the other one to take a back seat to all the priorities in his life that preceded her. A second spouse should not have to fight to be treated with the same respect and consideration as a first spouse. I'm sure there are a lot of things he is doing with you that he never would have expected his first spouse to put up with -- like not having a say in whether his son's clothes are picked up off the floor in her own house. If he expects that his lil dude's WANTS are supposed to come before your NEEDS, then I think he's one of those parents who would be much better off waiting until his kid is grown before he becomes seriously involved again.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
SS9 used to be a big P****
SS9 used to be a big P**** about things too. I made him do things and he got over his fears. I don't mean like, pick up a spider or something crazy, I mean like I forced him to ride a bike (he was terrified), get on a roller coaster (its a valid fear, but I knew he would love it once he got on, i was right), learning how to swim (yes, learning how to swim, he would get in the water but wouldn't swim), ect. Things that kids do, he was terrified of. He has thanked me for it. The problem...he was babyed until he started living with us (by both BM and DH), and then to top it off, BM was forcing HER fears onto SS9. Maybe if they stop babying him, it will help.
I also believe children are like puppies, they need to be socialized, lol. If he is socially akward, I don't think taking him away from social situations is going to help. He needs to socialize to get used to it. SS9 used to have socialization problems too, now he's fine.
I'd hate to say it, but you definitely have a guilty daddy on your hands. Before you move in, you need to establish some rules. If he doesn't want to give in now, he most likely won't after you move in. Make sure this is what you want to do.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
So what should We do about
So what should We do about the parties, how can u make a child interact with out a fit, and when he starts to cry what then? I wonder what would happen if just me take him to the party. with out daddy, do you think that would be better.
I wouldn't say take him to a
I wouldn't say take him to a party. He may be too overwhelmed with all of the kids. Maybe start doing hour long play dates with 1 child? Then start incorporating more children when he feels more comfortable, then take him to parties.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
I agree with the two above
I agree with the two above postings.
YOU are NOT moving in to become their maid, are you? BB is right, you are talking normal "living" styles, not parenting styles.
I refuse to let ss5 become king in this castle. I married DH to become his WIFE, not his nanny...
If YOU start taking him, be
If YOU start taking him, be very prepared to do it everytime- trust me on that one.
( limits).......
I deal with an anxious SD.
I deal with an anxious SD. You cannot force them into the party. Our SD will cling to daddy or I even at a family party. Very high social anxiety.
What we did was thru her teacher, identified ONE friend (an alpha personality) and worked on her cultivating a friendship this one girl. Now if they go to parties, she has the one friend she feels secure in.
At family parties, we work VERY hard to keep her from clinging. Dad will actually have to detach her. Youc an do it without scolding or embarrassing...just remove the child from you. But you need Dad to DO it (it, not let child sit on lap). And when child starts to scream...well, what would you normally do? Take the child outside and talk to them.
If you are dealing with real anxiety, pushing a situation can often make it worse.
I agree with this. I just
I agree with this. I just posted again before I read this. The one friend to start works well. We did this with SS with a child from daycare. That child also had social anxiety too and they are fine now.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
Can I just say I flinched
Can I just say I flinched when I read you called a 5year old kid a pussy? Really? Just sayin...
Dad feels like you are attacking him because you are bombarding him with demands and conditions before moving in.
The bedroom thing? Yea I understand that. That's your sanctuary and your safehaven for just you too. So I totally get where you are coming from on this one.
Your SS is still young and can learn cleanliness and responsibility. The basketball hoop thing seems to be a good idea. Routine always works. BS7 is a slob. So when he gets home from school he has to hang up his coat, and change out of his uniform. Its a routine, we do it everyday. Soon it becomes like second nature.
The whole socialization thing, he just needs more time. Now that he is in kindergarden (I think) he will slowly be around children more and will learn to interact. I agree with the puppy comparison, lol.
Well, misskittius, I too
Well, misskittius, I too have called ss11 a pu**y, not a word I have ever used before.. for anyone...ever, I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I have done it too so you're not alone. But he is so babied that everyone steps on eggshells around the kid. He is oversensitive because everyone coddles (? spelling) him. He is 11 close to 12 adn still sits on his Dad's lap, pees the bed and talks like a baby.
I will say we've been living together for about 1 and 1/2 years now and the situation has gotten better. Partially because I realized that it's ok to enforce my own household rules in a gentle way. I used to get all twisted up inside if I had to bring this stuff up. I would get upset before I even confronted the issue, I guess out of fear, out of previous reactions, etc. But now, I just gently as gently as I can, correct the household behaviours that I don't agree with. BF still to this day will argue with me on them until I remind him. "What is bad about me asking them to eat in the kitchen?" "What is bad about me asking him not to dump his clothes in the living room floor."
It is a journey, hang in and remember there's only one!!! yea!
I deal with the same exact
I deal with the same exact thing with my BF. Things drive me NUTS that he thinks aren't a big deal. He doesn't have respect for his things, SD9 apparently has learned the same from him but I don't get it. In his mind, it seems like I'm the one that has to adapt & if I don't like it then too bad. He's stubborn and refuses to try and change. If you find an answer for this one, let me know!
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
OK. I know saying that p***y
OK. I know saying that p***y word isnt very nice, and I would never say that out loud, but isnt that what this site is for? To vent? So if I use a word that may not be offensive to some people, I am sorry, but this is how I feel and this site is where I go to NOT be targeted. So REALLY, p***y felt just right at the time.