Fighting Fair!
I thought this might be helpful to others so I am going to share the advice the marriage counselor gave us. This was an all day intensive session. Started at 9 and we left at 4:30, other than lunch it was just the three of us, talking about us. It was intense. I won't bore you with the details, but this guy is very well known, been quoted in almost every therapy magazine out there and should know what he's talking about. The purpose of our visit was to learn how to disagree. There was a lot of what he said that is specific to us, but there were two rules he asked us to follow that I think a lot of people would benefit from.
Rule 1
When you are arguing and you feel it getting heated, one of you call a time out. Take 30 minutes (only 30) and relax. Come back to together and try to continue the conversation. You may have to call more that one but it should help the never ending cycle my DH and I are in. I am a verbal aggressive fighter and he is a person who retaliates by emotionally shutting down. They are both equally destructive but the verbal approach can have farther reaching consequences because you can't ever take back what you have said and the other person will not forget it. The person who shuts down damages the marriage by appearing indifferent and not invested enough to have a conversation but they are just two methods of coping that we learned early on. They are not unique to our relationship with our Spouse or gf/bf.
Rule 2
I tend to want to talk right then and there and either fix it or decide that we can't and move one. He needs a lot more time to think through things and is not capable of doing it right on the spot. I used to think this was his way of not caring about the problem but it is really his inability to process information the same way. What he suggested is, when one has a problem or issue they need to talk about they address their partner and say "I have something I would like to talk with you about. Would like to talk now or later? The other party can choose now or pick a time within the next 24 hours that they will sit down and have the requested conversation.
I hope these help even though I know for me it will be very hard to do. I like to address thing instantly and I can get emotional when I fight. It will be very difficult to bite my tongue and hold it. We are starting these new rules today so I will let you know how it goes. If anyone else uses these methods or something similar, please share how it works for you. Hope this helps someone else
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DH & I have trouble with
DH & I have trouble with this. I am the one who shuts down & goes silent. I need time to think about what I really want/need to say. If I don't take that time I just talk in circles & after the conversation is over everything I really wanted/needed to say start rolling back through my head.
And...I cry a lot when I'm trying to talk about what's bothering me. I'm not sure why, & it makes me feel like an idiot. I mean, as I'm gearing up to say something my eyes well up & I can't even get a frickin' sentence out without tears rolling.
DH is good about addressing issues, but he is louder than I am & a lot of times he'll attack as he expresses his thoughts. For example, he came home from work later than I did one night. I had the dogs outside. The phone rang. I ran in the house to get it & when he pulled into the driveway one of the dogs was up near the road. He comes in the house & says, "Squishy was right up in the road when I got home." I said, "She was IN the road???" He said, "She might as well have been. She wasn't a foot from it! Stormabruin, you have GOT to keep an eye on them when they're out front! Do you want them to get hit?"
I went silent & turned to walk away. He brought the dogs in about 10min later & said, "Are you mad at me? I was just telling you, you need to watch them when they're outside."
This was one of few times I chose to acknowledge a stupid question, & I lost it. "Why would ask me such a stupid question??? Do you really believe I just decided to leave them outside so they'd go up into the road & get hit??? Do you realize how stupid you make me feel when you talk to me that way???"
DH was upset. I was upset. It just seems like it's easier for me to be upset by myself & get over it on my own than to have both of us pissed off.
I know it isn't the right way, but sometimes it just seems easiest.
Going against the mold seems
Going against the mold seems to be my purpose in life. LOL!
Ironically, I'm not one to savor the spotlight. I don't have the confidence it requires to do so in a graceful manner. I fear that tiny chance of screwing up & having witnesses. :jawdrop:
I believe my lack of voice comes from being fearful of saying something that will be hurtful & knowing that I can't take it back. I am a better listener than talker & I take in every word & hold onto it. People have said hurtful things on a whim & I don't forget. I guess I worry about being the one to spout something off & hate to think that they would always carry that with them.
I know it isn't good to "suffer in silence" but it's what I do. In my family we were taught that it isn't nice to hurt other people. It isn't nice to make them feel bad. We had the typical brother/sister bantering, but were not allowed to put our hands on each other. "Shut up" & namecalling was not allowed in our home. I guess my parents taught us to a fault. We are all this way still.
DH, on the other hand...his family will talk about ANYTHING whenever it comes up. Sitting around a table full of family, his sister announced that DH's 16-year old nephew was having sex. She then went on to talk about how she provides condoms. His GF uses "the ring" in addition to the condom & continued with how she taught nephew to feel inside to be sure the ring was in. My thought was, "Man, I'd be PISSED if my family gathered around the table discussing my sex life. HOW EMBARRASSING!!!" I guess it's just the difference in the ways we were raised.
thank you for sharing these!
thank you for sharing these! my dh and i just recently got married, and when we fight we tend to call each other names, or use harsh words.When i say names, its not as 'bad' as like we call each other dumb (never stupid), or retarded (which i hate saying this too). We are trying to stop these problems before they get worse, like not cussing at each other, or raising our voices (which i tend to do) Sometimes I need a time out to gather my thoughts. Now that I think of it, we should always have a time out before having a discussion, because I tend to get too emotional and get upset at some of the stuff he says, even though he doesnt mean it in a harsh way I immediately get defensive and feel like he's attacking me when he's really not.
Hmmmmmm.... this sounds VERY
Hmmmmmm.... this sounds VERY similar to a seminar my DH and I went to before we were married - probably the same guy - it was a well known author/researcher. He didn't actually come but his "team" and it was a two day seminar. If it is in fact the same - DH and I have not been able to implement *everything* we learned because we pretty much would have to completely change how we communicate which is just not that easy to do. What did help was at least it opened our eyes to how the other was interpreting our actions. My DH is the aggressor so he has learned to tone it down so I don't shut down and make me feel bullied. He has learned that when I walk away it isn't because I don't care but because I am overwhelmed. We certainly aren't expert arguers but they are not as heated as previously and are resolved faster. To be honest, I feel like he has to work at it more than I do because my shutting down is a response to him bulldozing me. If the aggressive partner can tone it down than the other partner will be more inclined to continue communicating. It takes practice that's for sure!
Oh, the time out things never worked for us! HAHA! Waaaay to hard for DH. He can't let things go until "later" but he has learned to not freak out instantly and bulldoze the issue. We tried "time outs" but totally failed at it!! GOOD LUCK!
You seriously have to get rid
You seriously have to get rid of your tenant. He is a horrible excuse for a man.
My wife and I are opposite of
My wife and I are opposite of you and your DH. I am the verbally aggressive one and she shuts down when we are in arguments. I want it out, addressed and over with and she is the one that gets tight jawed and shoots fire out of her eyes for hours after an argument.
It is a good thing too. On the occasions where she stands and fights with me, she kicks my ass in those arguments.
The problem is that hours later she will be mad and I am go on with my happy little self right away because from my perspective we already dealt with the issue and it is a done deal.
Then she won't speak for hours which give me way to much time to think about it.
This whole thing is why I am a really good apologizer and gift giver. She gives me a bunch of time to think about the situation because she is quiet about it in a very tight jawed pissed off kind of way for hours.
I usually will find a middle ground and re-approach her after I have thought about it, apologize for some part of what I said or did and attempt to make nice.