Does anyone NOT have BM drama or contact at ALL?
I've scrolled and read through blogs and just wondered.
I have absolutely no contact with BM. She lives 20 minutes away and for 5 months, had no idea what school her son, my SS6 attends. No, she didn't find out by asking. She told his father "Oh, so and so told me BS goes to such and such elementary school because they saw him there the other day. I didnt know that." :?
Has made no effort to attend any school events or check on him other than a "How is he doing?" text every two weeks. Had a Christmas party at his school. I attended his party as well as BS9's. I literally was in tears during SS6 Christmas party. SS6 grandmother asked me why I was crying. I told her that it was ridiculous that this little boy, despite how stressful and annoying he can be, does not have his mother here nor does she even ask about participating in anything. SS6 grandmother told me to dry my tears and be glad because I didn't want that drama in my life. I guess she is right, but I'm just lost as to how a human can give birth to a child and then just say "screw it", pretty much. Granted, she has 6 kids and 6 baby daddy's...but GOOD LORD.
At SS6's fake kindergarten graduation last year (we made him repeat it and attend a different school since he learned NOTHING at the previous one), she attended (only because 5 of her other kids were also being moved to another grade and it all occurred in the same building),and she was busy taking selfies during the ceremony. Not pictures of her son...just selfies.
When we first all moved in together, I went to SS6's father and requested to have a sit down meet with BM. I had introduced him to BS9's father because BS9 wanted to meet who was going to be taking on a father role/living with his son since we are not together. I mean, I would want to know who MY BS was living with, you know? Her response? "For what? My sister went to school with her. I do know her." Ma'am, I have never met you day before in my life. You have never seen me in person. For all you know, I could be a child molester.
Recently, SS6 told me, but in a nice way, "you're not my mom". Like it just dawned on him. I wanted to say, "No, but I'm more of a mom than your REAL mother will ever be." Instead, I asked him who cooks for him, helps him with schoolwork and takes care of him. He said, "You do." I said, "Is that ok with you?". He said "Yes!". But I don't know. It's just so sad to me.
SS6 goes to visit her or her mother every other weekend and often only stays for a night and even then, we have seen her post on FB (yes, I go look and take photos of it for possible child custody cases later) where she mentions how high she is after the weed she smoked. I've gone to SS6's dad about not letting him go over again, but he is afraid because a year or so ago, she popped up at the school he was attending and took him. SS6's father didn't see him for MONTHS. She has sworn that now that I am in the picture and she sees how well things are going, she wouldn't do anything like that again. We have an appointment with an attorney later this month to see about custody. He is afraid that once she gets a letter about it or if he brings it up, she will snatch him again and take off. Sigh. I have to admit that sometimes I wish she would...just because of how hard this has been with the ADHD and whatever other issue he has. But I know he will have no chance at life if he is with her, so I'm being supportive and trying my best.
Perhaps, however, I should be counting my blessings that she isn't around much and doesn't seem to care about anything. We don't ask her for child support as she doesn't have a job and has said "I do have a job...child support from the other kids and foodstamps." :jawdrop:
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Wow! She sounds like a
Wow! She sounds like a winner. You are being the mother is mother will NEVER be. Sadly, I am sure there is part of him that feels abandoned. Your MIL is right. Count your blessing. AND...take life one day at a time. HUGS!
Justme, I wish I could say
Justme, I wish I could say part of him feels abandoned. But he has some issues we haven't sorted through that leave him in la-la land most of the time. Just from my person observations, he feels like this is normal. He never asks why his mother wasn't at an event. He just feels as if it is normal. When he saw her at his kindergarten graduation, he didn't seem to care one way or another. I pointed her out to him thinking he would be excited. He just waved and turned back around and walked in with us. It's so crazy to me.
Well we dont have any contact
Well we dont have any contact with BM. But the skids are older. BM sometimes will call DH to cuss him out about something the skids dont like about DH (skids complain to BM about something DH did/didnt do and then BM takes it upon herself to call DH) but we just block her number whenever she does that.
BM stirs up some drama every now and then, we deal with it. Take the steps we need to, to block her out of our lives and then move on.
DH is VERY good about ignorning BM and not dealing with her, so she got the hint (for the most part) many many years ago.
BM drama is at a minimum thankfully. I couldnt deal with it.
Neither I nor Chef have had
Neither I nor Chef have had any contact with the BM for well over five years running now. Ever since the last kid PASed out just before age 7.
My BM is a conglomeration of all the nasty psycho, BMs on this forum with a healthy dose of MOTY narcissism complex.
IOW she perceives herself as innocent as the wind driven snow, perma-victim all-american , corn fed, girl next door, soccer mom who had a phoenix-like rise from the ashes of divorce.
When she found out her trumped up CPS charges against Chef (and me to a lesser extent) were overturned back in late '07, she amped up the PAS and demanded that all contact with her, no matter how mundane, MUST be done via attorney.
I completely get your point
I completely get your point and would probably be thankful to have such a hands-off BM. It may suck for the skid to not have his mother's involvement; but he's not lacking in love and support from you.
On the point of bio parents meeting the steps .. I don't know that it's necessary. Nice, maybe, in no-conflict situations, but it's not like I'd know after a sit-down whether a person is a child molester, abuser, etc. I tried extending the olive branch to our BM; she snubbed me in front of DH, the skids, and her new BF at the time. Not that I really cared; but it proved to be absolutely pointless in our situation.
I currently have no contact with BM. Haven't had any correspondence or communication with her at all in about 2 years now; DH handles it all.
SMof2Girls, I see your point.
SMof2Girls, I see your point. I was just raised in a completely different type of situation. My dad had been married before and had a son before he met my mother. I remember my brother's mom coming over for family dinners, etc. hen later when she married, she would bring her new husband over and the new hubby and my father would hang out by the lake behind our house, chat and have beers. My BS9's father, his gf and SS6's dad and I have spent evenings together just hanging out, having drinks without the kids. Sounds weird maybe, but it works for us.
BM of SS6 however is just a new type of person. Not just because she isn't interested in hanging out - I know plenty of perfectly sane people who don't choose to do that, just by her attitude and lack of care for her own child.
I would STRONGLY recommend
I would STRONGLY recommend that your SO go through the courts and get full custody. This could come back and bite you in the butt YEARS later. You never know what wackiness the courts will come up with if left to their own devices.
This was a hill-to-die-on issue with my SO also. He and BM have a relatively civil relationship and they had been doing their own thing outside of the courts for YEARS, she even gave him full custody.
We ended up breaking up for a short period of time because of this. He just didn't take me seriously that this could backfire on him, that if BM ever got a bug up her butt, she could go for back child support and he could be SCREWED. His response? "I just don't think she would do that."
Hmmph. That's great, SO, but I'm not going to base our financial future off of the goodwill of your ex-wife. Call me crazy.
When SO saw that I meant business about this, he went and got an attorney. It took a while, they had to do mediation and such....at first BM threw a fit because she thought SO was up to something, but she calmed down after a bit. It was just putting on paper what they have been doing for years.
The attorney was surprised that this had gone under the courts radar for so long, but told SO that it was a VERY good thing to get all of this settled and that I was right, this could have gone BADLY for him if he hadn't have gotten this taken care of. Not just if BM decided to go after him, but if the courts ever caught up to them also it could have gone badly. The courts don't care as much about what the parents have agreed to, but what they deem is in the best interest of the children.
This is in the best interest for your SO, for your relationship, and for the skids well-being also.
Being worried that BM could up and take the kids is even MORE reason to get this taken care of through the courts.
That's exactly what I have
That's exactly what I have been saying, Darkstar. But his fear is if BM even gets a letter from an attorney about it, she will snatch SS6 and RUN.
The next plan was when he goes to pick SS6 up from visiting BM, ask her if she will grant him full custody with visitation. Her typical behavior with that type of situation is to say "yeahhh! sure!!" Then you can't find her for months to sign anything. So, he will ask her when picking SS6 up. If she says yes, have paperwork already there and my mother, who is a notary, in the car waiting to notarize.
I'm sure there would be a way
I'm sure there would be a way the attorney could keep things on the down-low until papers needed to be signed.
Excuses excuses.....that almost doesn't make any sense.....getting a permanent custody order would PROTECT him more!
It took me breaking up with SO to get it through his head that I was SERIOUS about this topic. He decided I was worth keeping so he went and got the attorney. Of course, now this has all magically become HIS idea and how smart he was for getting it taken care of. I just shake my head and smile....think whatever you want to get yourself through the day, punkin.
Now it's all taken care of! SO has full physical custody and they have joint legal custody. They switch years for claiming skids for taxes. No child support and no back child support EVER. SO approached it with BM as "just making it legal what we've been doing for years."
Wait... what's wrong with
Wait... what's wrong with being a porn star??????
I went nearly five years
I went nearly five years without having to speak to Uberskank, then skid graduated in June and was forced to be polite as she was looking for their seats.
Otherwise, Uberskank now lives in another state. Skid is nineteen and lives in the state I recently left. H and I live in HI now.
No drama for a few years, especially last year since H and were separated for nearly all of 2014.