Update on SS request for visitation at his discretion and pending counseling
First, I'd like to thank all of you for your supportive comments to a blog post that I submitted two years ago about SS16 requesting visitation be at his discretion and then our counter to the court of required counseling.
The outcome was this: Judge went with visitation at SS discretion and court ordered counseling. Problem with all of this is that BM was ordered by the court to take SS to a certain number of appointments with counselor. She didn't do that. Counselor was ordered to submit findings to the court. Counselor never did so.
Two years later, BM is trying to use the counselor's findings to have SS declared disabled so that she can get $ through the state. Did I mention that child support ends in 6 months? Is this a coincidence? I'll let you decide.
We haven't seen SS16 (now 18) in two years except at sporting events for his younger sibling and at pick up times for his younger sibling. He has called BD a couple of times to try to blackmail him with visitation. Things like...if I start coming to see you, will you buy my a car? NO. He will call and start out the conversation nicely but it ends with SS cursing at BD, etc.
BM is now blaming BD for all of SS's problems and the way he is turning out. Okay, pot, thou doest call the kettle black.
While I do feel somewhat sorry for SS, both BM and SS orchestrated this and are now reaping what they have sown.
My advice to any of you, if this sounds like the situation you are currently in, don't fight the court system. Let it go.
MR
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I'm there now SS has stated
I'm there now SS has stated he hates our house, we are boring, we don't do anything... Etc. If we are doing something he will come.
DH is to the point that he doesn't force visitation. We haven't gone to court. Nut BM does stupid stuff....like use visitation schedule as a weapon. For instance 12 years the alternated Christmas eve Christmas day. This year she gets mad reps the CO after she confirms that she gets Christmas day...and then says you get these three days.
So are you recommending that when you get to this stage you walk away? I've fought DH...but am questioning it now.
I fought everything at first.
I fought everything at first. If BM didn't abide by the court's ruling, I fought with DH and practically made him take a stand against her, which he ultimately did. It just made things get worse with the skids and it made me crazy. The court system failed every step of the way. They wouldn't uphold their own rulings, etc. In the end, SS and BM got their way and visitation became at SS's discretion.
It seemed terrible at first, almost like SS had died. But now, looking back on the whole mess we know we did everything we could do and are at peace with the situation. BM will always blame someone else, it is what they do best. The good thing is that BM can no longer use visitation as a weapon or use SS as a weapon against us. Peace will reign once again in your home. It takes all of the control away from her and gives it back to you and DH....where it belongs.
MR
So DH basically has said I'm
So DH basically has said I'm here if you choose. Does he make contact? SD is 20 and I encourage DH to send a text once a week. But I am tired of encouraging a onesided relationship.
Correct. At first we tried
Correct. At first we tried to spin the whole thing in our favor saying that "at his discretion" meant that he could come and go more freely. Which, in essence, it does. He doesn't have to abide by the every other weekend, etc. thing. BM threw a fit at this and said that the court meant he didn't have to see DH at all. True. SS doesn't. DH tried to maintain contact...birthday card, Christmas gift, random text messages, telling the counselor that he would like to see SS. But, BM got involved every time and the whole thing turned into a mess. The more DH tried to maintain contact the more hateful BM and SS became. One time, at the younger SS baseball game, SS walked by DH and for no reason flipped DH the bird. It was all very embarrassing to us. At the same game, SS told his grandfather to f&*^ off...again with no provocation. After that, I have not encouraged any contact and DH has not instigated any. Off and on SS will call, but it always ends badly. DH doesn't answer the phone any more.
Sad. Maybe when SS grows up and sees the situation for what it is..manipulation of the relationship by BM, he'll be sorry and things will change. At that point, I'm not sure where DH will take it. As for me, I've forgiven him. But forgiveness doesn't guarantee a restored relationship.
MR
We gave up fighting SD and
We gave up fighting SD and her suing us to live with BM. Unfortunately we gave up and BM decided she was entitled to CS then (they had 50/50 and no CS). It was 1 year of dealing with lawyers for us to give up SD, we had already dropped her off with her backpack and had no relationship with her. Her mothers doing, not ours. But in the year it took, we spent 10K on lawyers fighting the CS. Ultimately she wasn't entitled to any because she made way more money than him. As soon as we thought that was done, SS decided to live with us and we were back to court. For him we have spent another 7k. We have custody of him, but BM is drawing out the final papers and we are still incurring Lawyers fees.
I agree, you shouldn't fight it. We didn't want to. The child was making eveyone miserable, but we were not going to roll over and let BM have whatever amount she wanted to dictate. She was entitled to nothing and she got nothing. Technically now that we have SS she owes us 300 a month. We told her to keep it if she quit fighting for him. She did but of course still hasn't signed the final paperwork.
She drives me insane. But, honestly I am with you, life is better since SD left. As harsh as it sounds, she created a mess here.
I agree. Fighting for
I agree. Fighting for visitation isn't about fighting for the kids. It is about fighting the BM. The BM is the manipulator in these cases. I firmly believe if the BM's would stay out of it, the skids would choose to have relationships with their fathers. The new family would thrive and all would be semi-okay. The problem is that the BM is raging with jealousy over the new family and she makes the skids choose who they are going to like. It shouldn't have to be a choice, but it seems like it always is and the kids end up losing.
Do nothing is always an
Do nothing is always an option and sometimes it can even be a viable one. This is a basic of any management training.
I certainly think that there are times and examples in a blended family situation where this is viable and even the right decision.
However, I am not one to let anyone victimize or manipulate me or my wife, so we took the full control and consequences tack rather than the do nothing option. We required very strict compliance to the CO by the SpermClan and if they even thought about manipulating or deviating we smacked them aggressively with the CO. We attempted to work with them when they were being reasonable for brief periods during the early years but learned in relatively short order that any time we gave an inch they would push, manipulate, positinos, dramatize, etc, etc, etc... for more and more and more. So, even my wife who abhors conflict finally put her foot down and went with the ZERO tolerance policy for dealing with the SpermClan.
We are also fortunate that our son never played the "I hate it here and I want to go live with (BioDad)". When we had some behavioral issues with SS and the topic of his having the option of going to live with DickHead came up his answer was consistently "Mom/Dad, they can hardly afford to feed me when I am there for visitation, they could not afford to have me full time. Besides, this is my home and my family and this is where I want to be."
I think the main difference is that I am married to the CP which gives far more tools for the management of the toxic blended family oppostion or difficult Skid. Most of the situations that we see in this thread appear to be NCP related.
Not that maintaining control of the opposition is cheap even for a CP household. We spent 5 figures $ over the years enforcing the Zero tolerance campaign.
Best regards,