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Car and my SS, I am new!

maria14's picture

Submitted by maria14 on Tue, 05/31/2011 - 7:56am

Hi, I am new to posting. I thought I could try it out.

I have SS 17 and a BS 16. BS is ours. We had SS EOWE and every Friday to Saturday evening. When SS turned 14, he stopped coming as often. He barely met us one day a month. My DH was very upset and tried and tried to get SS to come by more. But SS always said he was busy.

We got my BS a car recently. Well, SS heard about it and asked where his car was. My DH said well, if you come by more, I will get you one. I am a stay at home mom with a disability so all the financial decisions affect me too. So now SS has been coming by more and my DH is regretting promising the car. I am so angry with my DH. BM does not make that much money and SS is very resentful that we have a better house, lifestyle etc. And he makes sure my DH knows it. How do I get my DH to stop feeling guilty? And what the hell are we supposed to do about the car?

Comments

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Tue, 05/31/2011 - 8:08am

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place - your DH should have never promised to buy the car - the one thing is that your DH did not say how much he had to come by so tell him he has to come by for at least another year regularly because you know as soon as he gets that car he will never come by. Does he have a job to pay for the insurance tell him that you all are not paying for it and if he does not have a job then he can't get insurance and you he can't have a car without it. This is tough because if you look at it from your SS's point of view it looks like his father loves his stepbrother more but then again maybe SS should have spent more time with his dad - good luck with this one and keep us updated!!

maria14's picture

Submitted by maria14 on Tue, 05/31/2011 - 8:27am

Exactly. We have no idea what SS is doing in school or anything. We do not get an update on his grades and my DH has not even tried to ask the school. SS just ignores me and BS. SS is smart. Well, he was smart last time I checked. He is supposed to be graduating this year but I do not even know what his plans are. We are totally out of the loop. And yes,does he think he can take the car with him whereever he goes? He has a part-time job but we are paying for BS's insurance. SS might expect us to pay for him too. I wish we never bought BS the damn car!!

zazzery's picture

Submitted by zazzery on Tue, 05/31/2011 - 9:37am

One thing I think needs to be focused on is the root of why the step son stopped visiting. Does he have lasting anger over the divorce? Is yours and his relationship iffy? I can see why your son getting a car, but not him, could hurt his feelings, despite the fact that he just sort of faded away. Instead of continuing the cycle of anger, try getting to the bottom of this young man's distance.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 05/31/2011 - 11:57am

I wish we never bought BS the damn car!!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
That is not the problem. your DH is.

maria14's picture

Submitted by maria14 on Tue, 05/31/2011 - 1:01pm

Yes, it is my DH's fault. For our BS we bought a 7,000 car. It looks very nice. We pay insurance and give BS gas money as long as his grades are good and he does his chores. Of course, now, SS will be expecting the same deal. It is going to put a big dent in our finances. DH just made a promise without thinking. What the hell?

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Submitted by Tx mommy of 3 on Tue, 05/31/2011 - 8:57pm

Ss stopped visiting frequently when he was 14, right? He's now 17. Ok, so for 3 years he didn't come, so after 3 years of ss visiting his dad again THEN dh can get gym a car. Sure, he'll be 20, but who cares? If he continues to visit regularly he gets a car and you have 3 years to save up. If he stops, you guys are off the hook Wink Just because he's been visiting a little bit lately doesn't entitle him to a car. Dad gets to decide when ss gets it.