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Need some advice from Custodial Parents

MandaV's picture

Submitted by MandaV on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 4:19pm

Okay, so my step-daughter has been having severe difficulties with her behavior. It has become a worse problem in school. Just in the first 2 weeks of school, she has had multiple notes sent home and has had 2 trips to the principals office. Her therapist, the school faculty, and my husband and I think she needs to be screened for ADHD and possibly medicated.

In case you haven't read my other posts, their BM has no physical custody, BUT still has joint legal custody. She was informed of my SD's behavior and agreed that she needed to be screened for ADHD, but does not want her medicated, even if she needs it.

WTF?! I have no idea what we should do. BM doesn't even raise these kids. She hasn't had custody of them since they were in diapers. I have been mom for over 4 years now. I don't understand how she can have a say on this. She's not here, raising her and suffering from her behavior. I have to segregate my 1 year old from her because of how frustrated she gets and I would lose it if she hurt my biological daughter.

My husband says if the SD needs the meds, then he's going to do it anyway, but I'm really worried about the BM's possible retaliation. Luckily, she's so broke, she can't even pay child support, so we know she could never afford a lawyer, but it still makes me nervous to do all this with her not wanting us to.

Comments

newbiemommy's picture

Submitted by newbiemommy on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 4:52pm

I would definitely get her medicated if she needs it! Even if she does retaliate the courts will side with you for getting your full custody child the medical care she needs. Plus there will Sad be documentation of behavior before and after to support that even further. Our BM1 is pretty much the same situation except she lost all rights we just allow joint decisions. I can guarantee you that in this situation the courts would be behind you if she decided to try to retaliate. She would have no case against your decisions and further no evidence to support her opinions.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 4:53pm

You have the Dr. order meds, you tell her you are following the Dr. order & she will need a court order to prevent it.

NCMilGal's picture

Submitted by NCMilGal on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 4:53pm

Do it anyway - that's what our BM does.

Seriously - with enough testimony from doctors, you can prove that it is SD's best interest IF BM tries to take you to court.

mlmt1128's picture

Submitted by mlmt1128 on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 4:58pm

I would medicate her anyway. Like the others said, you have enough back up to prove it is needed.

At this point, if you can afford the attorney, I would also be going back to court to have that joint legal decision removed. If you and your dh have had sole custody for 4 years AND she isn't paying her CS she should have no say at all. We have gotten to the point where I sign all forms and go to all school, counseling, doctor, etc appointments and just sign and make decisions. DH has signed releases for me to do so and no one seems to care what bm thinks she can't even be bothered to fill out questionaires about ss's mental health and return them. Never mind actually show up for a meeting or pay cs.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 5:23pm

Ignore NCP BMs. They get visitation. They don't call the shots, usually for a reason.

RaeRae's picture

Submitted by RaeRae on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 5:46pm

This.

JRTerrierMom's picture

Submitted by JRTerrierMom on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 6:22pm

if the doctor orders is, and it helps the child and taht can be documented, i would do so. Get the docs opinion. If he says yes, then go to another one as well and get a corroborating one. Keep a copy of the document that recommends it, then you won't have to pay expert fees to the docs to testify in court IF it gets to that point.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 6:34pm

Okay, I am a CSP. My wife is the CP. Since you are the CP household and BM "has no physical custody" then you and DH do what you must do to protect the best interests of your child.

We have never even solicited input from my SS's BioDad and would not give a shit if he ever did offer his opinion. In fact, every chance he has had he has screwed things up for my SS so we pretty much learned to keep the SpermIdiot firmly smacked under his rock and we have done the same with any adult member of the SpermClan that frees up a braincell to offer an opinion on anything.

Take SD to to the Doc, get her tested and if you and her dad agree with what the Doc recommends, follow medical advice.

Screw what BM wants.

You are the CP household and joint legal does not mean shit when it comes to daily parenting of a child. The CP makes the call on daily stuff including medical decisions. Now, if you were talking a major medical procedure, that would be another consideration entirely.

All IMHO of course.

MandaV's picture

Submitted by MandaV on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 9:26pm

Thank you everyone for the feedback. Really helps to hear other people feeling the same way. We are definitely going to do what is best for my SD and if she needs meds, then she will get meds. It's not fair to her to be in trouble in school constantly if she can have help. If BM wants to get pissed, then she gets pissed. She would still have to find money to take us to court and, I think even if she did, she'd lose. There are so many people who will go into that courtroom and testify that my SD has ADHD and needed the meds. It will help even more if we get her on the meds and her school behavior improves.