My SD (now 21) stopped coming over when she was 15/16. My husband still talked to her on the phone often and sent her birthday and Christmas gifts. He did see her occasionally but not often. So, I would agree to keep the door open.

My SD put a pretty good wedge in her relationship with her dad and that is on her.

Its his choice, but it sounds like PA. If you research PAS it states you should never give up. It's easier said than done though. After you're repeatedly hurt, why go back to be hurt more. There are several sites and books which can help explain it better than I.

My husband has been dealing with this for the last 3 years.

DH is dealing with this now (and has been since we got married last June). SD14 (then 13) decided that she no longer wanted to come over anymore. DH called, texted, emailed, stopped by her house, etc. For months and months and got nothing in return. In August, he went by her home to give her a birthday card and see her. She rebuffed him. Finally, he (from the advice of his dad and brother) forced BM's hand to force visitation with SD so he could try to rebuild a relationship with her. That was a disaster. She promised she'd call and text - never happened.

They made plans for Black Friday - she bailed on him in favor of BM's boyfriend taking her out (and told DH she'd "just be bored with him and BM's boyfriend takes me out to lunch, the movies, shopping, he's my new "dad"). They made plans for Xmas eve, she bailed and said "can you just drop my gifts off to mom's place?"

Fianlly, after a mini breakdown over the last week, he decided he's done. All this time he's been trying and trying to establish SOME sort of contact with her and she ignores him. So he's done. He removed her photos from our "FAMILY" frame that hangs above the couch and said "until she starts acting like a part of this family, I no longer want to look at her on our wall".

He's heartbroken. That's his only child and he was petrified of losing her. His therapist said the same as was mentioned above - send a card, always let her know you're there, but that's it. She's old enough to know the consequences of her actions.

She won't contact anyone on DH's side of the family either, unless they reach out to her first (and offer to take her someplace she wants to go like for ice cream or the movies or mall). Spoiled rotten little brat!

I agree with the others, she is is child and should leave that door open so he has no regrets later. To me that means a card, a text, and email on important holidays. Reach out now and then but do not go out of your way. Just enough to let her know that the relationhship is there for her when and if she is ready to accept it.

We have experienced this with OSD. She was 17 when she decided she knew everything there was to know about life, about how a parent should act, about how her parent's marriage/divorce went, about EVERYTHING. She played the victim to the hilt. She wrote DH a nasty email telling him how horrible her life had been, how badly he had failed as a parent, how wrong he was about everyhing in general. Really beat him into the ground. She felt she was better off with out a father. She broke all contact with DH and all his family for several years.

DH continued to send a card now and then, a text occationally, but tried to respect her distance.

I think the amount he reaches out depends on the child's response. In our case she was adament about it and was often rude if he tried to contact her so he limited it. If the child is responsive I would suggest pushing it a little more each time. I guess what I am trying to say is listen to their cues and let them call the kind of relationship they want. It's not the way we as parents want it to turn out but if that's all you have there's not much choice.

As an adult daughter who is estranged from her father i would say, for the girl's *and* for your DH's benefit, he should try to let her know that she is loved and cherished and always welcome in his house. The rest is up to her and how well she can withstand the pressure from her mother, possibly. I think he needs to keep sending gifts and possibly items that can open a conversation, in order to establish some common ground. Are there grand-parents in the picture? Extended family? Can they help draw her in? He can show herr how they arre connected through the family tree, family traditions, by sharing old memories of when she was little. So that there is some warmth there.

It is hard to maintain a relationship when there is nothing in common, no points of contact. So there is a danger that the longer you stay away, the harder it will be to re-build. Today I have a tepid, distant relationship with my father - which, i think, is a tremendous loss for both him and me. After my parents divorced he would send me token gifts and cards while i was in high school and in college but would not reach out in any fashion, would not invite me over, would not try to do anything with me, take me on vacation with him and his new family. I was not included in his life. Later he decided that he wanted more warmth from me, wanted me to call him Daddy - i could not. He is not someone i am close to, and not a resource for me in any way. I regret it and so does he, most likely. I was both estranged from him ( his fault) and alienated ( my mother's). It's all pretty sad.

However, even if you cannot change what the BM is doing, your DH is responsible for his part in this equation. Let him do what he can. It is very hard for you, i am sure, to watch his fruitless pursuit. I am in the same position right now as a SM. Read Amy Baker's Adult Children of Parental Alienation: Breaking the Ties That Bind. She also has a website. Google Amy Baker and PAS. It will help you look at this from a different perspective.

My dh is going through the same with ss14-almost 15. Pretty traumatic stuff here in our household too. For most of the last 18 months ss has lived with my mil. Before that he lived with us and then bm. Even with bm we kept regular eowe contact. With mil, she does not encourage ss to visit nor talk to dh-in fact I think she heavily and strongly discourages it and will not assist with rides and so forth. We did have a 4 month stint that ss lived with us between times he lived with mil. The first time he lived with her, he was asked to visit every single week-he always said he would, mil said shed bring him and then they never showed up. Over and over again. Dh would call, send messages on facebook, but nothing, nada. They went months without seeing each other even though he is only 10 minutes away and lives with dh's mother for goodness sake. This go around, dh has backed off. He no longer asks ss to visit nor calls repeatedly. When he first moved out again, he did see him once at a public place-but ss got mad because he brought 2 of the other kids. Dh did call ss but ss typically did not return calls so dh just stopped after awhile. Figured ss knew his number and could call if he liked.

SS did call on xmas. Dh talked with him. Dh told him at the end of the call, "I'll call you later" which he certainly would have but never specified a day or a time. Evidently he did not contact ss within the time frame he imagined because ss texted dh last week and told him he no longer had a father and that he was done with him because it had been like 2-3 weeks since they talked (never mind that they've gone months and months without speaking because ss wont return calls nor would visit). Dh just didnt respond. How do you respond to the "crazy" rules some of these kids set forth?

When I dont want to talk with you or see you it is perfectly acceptable for me to ignore you for months on end. You are supposed to leave me alone, not bother me, not be in my business. Just send money and support me and stay out of my life. Oh, but when I do decide I could use a parent, you are expected to drop everything and do whatever it is that I expect (even when I dont tell you what I expect). I know personally I just dont roll this way. It is unacceptable to me to be treated with disrespect from my children and my dh has finally decided it is unacceptable to him as well. All relationships are a two way street-even infants with their parents. They coo, laugh, cry for their parents, make eye contact-all those lovely things that keep us engaged. When a teen or young adult just consistently refuses to engage, what can you do?

I am sure my dh has not completely closed the door on ss14. But my guess is he needs to see something from ss. Some sort of desire to act correctly, be respectful, or actually engage in a relationship vs just demanding to have his needs met. I know it has been a tough decision for him and not one he has taken lightly. I believe it causes him a considerable amount of pain, but it's what he feels is right at the moment and I back him up in it.

I disagree with the people who say a 17 year old is "just a child". They are old enough to be treated as an adult in a criminal trial if they do something bad enough.

I was in college hundreds and hundreds of miles away from family at that age. One of my friends was only 16 when she got on the train alone to travel across country for college.

There is no reason to slam any doors in her face but you do not have to keep knocking at her door. Give her a little space to figure out that maybe she would like a father.

This is pretty much where we are with SD16. We send cards on her birthday and Christmas, but no gift. She's told us repeatedly how she doesn't want us in her life, to leave her alone, etc and I'm sorry but we're not willing to spend money on or send un COed money to someone that wants no relationship.

She does of course think she reserves the right to be completely ticked off when we Don't send her a gift/money but that's just too darn bad.

She's suffering from PAS and she may or may not grow out of that. I don't know. The only time we hear from her or her mom is when they want/need something. And that usually has to involve them screaming at DH and telling him what a lousy person he is. He tells her he loves her, wants to talk to her but won't tolerate disrespect and to call him when she can be civil. Which generally just causes more swearing and name calling, but whatever.

Just based on the age and the brain chemistry and development, keep the door open until around 25 or so. Send cards. Call, text or email every so often, with an "I love you, I hope you're doing well." kind of thing. Otherwise, leave it alone. If she (or they) go off the deep end and do the abusing, screaming ridiculousness after that point, that's when I'm good with really giving up.

I'm not advocating to open yourselves to abuse or trying to 'win them over'. Just the occasional reminder that "I'm here if you're interested" without chasing or overly investing.

I know it is an unpopular choice to many to "give up" on your child, but you can't fix someone who doesn't wish to be fixed. When continued efforts hurt you, your wife, and your other children- what's the point?

To me, quite frankly. Continued contact just keeps making it worse. The kid will take every opportunity he can to strike out at us. So he definitely cannot even be around any of us. At this point, I fear he will do whatever he can to strike out at dh as well. Just makes things worse. If he does mature at say 25- I'd rather just WAIT until then to see- instead of conti using to spin our wheels and be victimized by the kid.

We are in the EXACT same situation. SD17 moved out over a year ago (didn't want to follow rules, got mad and moved in w/ BM). DH and SD talked occasionally over the last year, but her behavior just kept getting worse and worse as did her attitude towards us. He tried reaching out several times only to be shit on by SD. Now, he's at the point where he's totally done w/ her. I have wondered the same thing - should we be the bigger people, but like you, I feel animosity towards her. I haven't read the responses yet and I'm curious to see what people say.

We didn't send SD17 anything for Christmas. We thought about it, but SD told MIL that if she saw DH on Christmas, she wasn't going to speak to him. That's why we didn't send anything. Do you think that was wrong? Also, a lot of people say to keep the door open? How should you do that? Send a text or email every once in a while? I understand what people are saying, but does contacting the child make it seem like your condoning the behavior? That's the issue DH has. He told her before that he loves her and he will always be her father and he will be there for her, but he's done reaching out because every time he does, she always ends up hurting him. He told her it's on her now. Please tell me what you think of that. Mamacat - sorry to hoard in on your post. This is a HUGE issue in our life right now, and I could really use the advice. Thank you.

Another question: Since I am only the SM, I don't have that unconditional love that a bio parent has. Let's say DH and SD work things out someday. How do I handle that? I am unbelievably angry/hurt/pissed/disgusted by her actions. I don't know if I can get over that. Do I just put my feelings aside and let her visit our house? Or should I just stay out of it and DH and SD can have a relationship that does not include me (meeting for lunch or somewhere outside of the house)?

When my DH stopped chasing SD and rewarding her for bad behavior, they went about a year with no contact. It was right before she was 16.

DH was sad but we tried to go on with our lives. She was abusive and he didn't deserve it. Only by leaving her completely alone, did she realize, SHE wanted a relationship with him. It has been a lot better ever since.

My DH and I were discussing this post last night. SD13 goes to a counselor, and DH talks to him a little bit when he takes her. The counselor knows all about our situation (SD17 used to go to him too). My husband told the counselor that he told SD17 that he and I are husband and wife and we are a team. He told her that if she wants to be in his life, then she has to make amends for the way she has treated me. The counselor told my DH that that was the right thing to do.

I think the counselor told my DH that it was the right thing to do because I did nothing to deserve the way SD17 has treated me. I think if I was mean and nasty and she and I fought all the time, it would be another story. SD17 and I got along fine until she moved out. Then for some reason, she blamed me for everything. I was the one who told my DH that the kids she was hanging out w/ were into drugs. That's when he told her she couldn't hang out w/ them. She didn't want to listen, so she moved out. Therefore, it's my fault and she put on FB that I tried to ruin her life and I tried everything to make me unhappy. I think that changes things (that I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment).