Most of this is a cut and paste from a reply to someone in the Forums section. I decided to put it in my blog because a) it was a helpful revelation for me and b) I spent a long time typing it to just lose it forever.

I had started to disengage before I knew the word for it. Now thinking back, I wasn't disengaging so much as plain old avoiding SD. I never really tried to do "mom" things for her, other than include her in our regular plans and meals. So I didn't have that to quit doing. I did used to play with her and do crafts with her, so that did change.

A combination of things are what eventually caused me to stay away when she was with us every weekend. First, I mistakenly thought that I could grow to love her even though I already knew she had an unpleasant personality (had known her for years before SO and I got together). Second, SO turned out to be a horrible Guilty Daddy. Third, BM began her PAS campaign. Fourth, SD can just be gross and mean, lie, and whines constantly. It was a perfect storm.

I began to plan my weekends to be away from home as much as possible. This was MY home before SO came along. SO and I work M-F, so weekends are our only time to do things together. My kids weren't really liking to be dragged away from home either, even though they hated being around SD as well.

I got so resentful it isn't funny. Here I am, working for the weekends, only to be driven out of my own home and not spend any quality time with SO. About the time he told me it was no wonder SD treated me so badly since I was never around and she couldn't get to know me (remember, she has known me for YEARS), I got PISSED.

Finally, I realized that for myself personally, I had to re-engage...but in a different way. There had to be ground rules for SD and SO. I'm not going to lie...things were really crappy for a long time. I did even break up with SO once. It was a long road from "you just hate my kid" to where we are now, which is mostly tolerable.

While I was disengaged, or rather *avoiding*, SO was free to be carefree Guilty Daddy. As long as he was Guilty Daddy and catering to SD's every whim, they were both happy. At first. After awhile, her demanding and manipulating even wore on SO's nerves. Once I was back around, with a "normal" context to measure SD by, SO started to see how SD really is. I still don't engage with SD as far as behavior unless something dangerous is going on or she is really hurting the feelings of someone else (she delights in poking fun at people and getting the other kids in trouble). But I do, privately and out of SD's earshot, call SO out on things he lets SD do. Slowly, SO has realized how bad SD is. I don't have to say much any more. He's now the one that sometimes calls her Devil Spawn or complains about her. I can back and let her make herself look bad. I recently blogged about how much he is coming down on her, more than even I would like to see. However, just KNOWING that he feels this way about her...to have him ACKNOWLEDGE and validate what I have been seeing all along...has been HUGE. Of course, he hasn't yet started to proactively parent her...but again, this acknowledgement is a weight off my shoulders.

Long story short, give Skid enough rope to hang himself (not literally, mind you), and he probably will.

Disengaging, in the sense of getting away, having "me time" or girls' night out, or whatever, has been a sanity saver for many step-parents. For me personally, it just made me feel more resentful, not to mention lonely. I am now usually present, but still disengaged, if that makes sense. I stay out of whether her teeth are brushed, what she eats, how much TV she watches, etc. If she turns out to be a rotton-toothed criminal (kinda like BM, I guess), then no sweat off my back. It is hard for me to go out in public with her, though, because for some reason I do care that people might think that *I* am her parent, so sometimes I excuse myself and somtimes I just hope that our opposite physical features and her calling me by my first name might make it apparent that I'm not responsible for her. I do privately ask SO to do someting about it when she lies or does something I really cannot tolerate. I do have to leave the room when she eats. I do sometimes close myself in our bedroom. SO and I do sometimes have "date night" on weekends, although we're lucky that SS and my DD are old enough to babysit...SO finally put a stop to SD having a tantrum about it and preventing us from going out.

I'm still not exactly happy with our situation. I've gotten to where I can tolerate it, though. I've even gotten to where I'm cautiously optomistic, but that's probably only because SO is all disgusted with SD at the moment.

I guess what I'm saying is "disengaging" has a constantly evolving definition, different for everyone. Just be careful not to do what I did and confuse "disengaging" for "avoiding", unless you are 100% OK with being away from home a lot and with nothing ever changing.