Nannies have more rights, the pay is better, usually the benefits are better and they usually get paid vacations.

UGH! I just depressed myself even more

You have every right to be upset! Like you said, it is your house and anything that happens in your house affects you. Nothing you said to those kids was unreasonable. You are a stepparent, which emphasis on the "parent." Part of any parents job (or the ones that actually do their job) is to discipline their children when the kids get out of line.

You guys should be a team. Maybe he is worried that if you discipline them they won't like you? You should talk to him about it and ask him what his rationale is. In reality, the kids won't respect you if they feel that they can walk all over you. If they feel that their dad doesn't have your back, they will consider you a nonentity. Not good.

"So does this mean I can tell my DH that everytime he wants to spend time with one of his kids and wants to leave the other kid with me, I can say no because I can't discipline your kid?" I think this is a valid point, and something worth mentioning to him.

How long have you guys been together, and had the kids at your house?

Here is a little tidbit from the disengaging essay that I am trying to memorize and constantly remind myself. See, my dh told me to discipline his kids, but now I believe it's because HE didn't want to screw with it. My sk's are now adults and they have NO respect for me because dh didn't MAKE them respect me or even himself and their BM didn't demand any respect either. SK's respected me while they lived in my house because I MADE them, but now that they are "ADULTS" as they say, they think they can say or do whatever they want to, which is why I wish I would have known about disengaging a LONG time ago.

In your case, your dh is basically TELLING you to disengage. So if your dh wants you to leave the disciplining to him, you can also leave all of these other things to him as well...

In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities. They are:
1. Your SKs are not your children.
2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
6. You are not responsible for raising your SKs.
7. All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
8. Your DH is not a mother.
9. Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
10. Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.
11. What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your SKs. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH. You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes.

I feel like some of these realities are good to remember even if you have no plans to disengage. Those children are NOT your responsibility. Period.

Now, I will say this... at least your DH didn't make his statement in front of the children. He apparently pulled you off to the side so as not to undermine you with the kids. That is a good thing. But like I said, if he wants to be responsible for the discipline, then he SHOULD be made to be responsible for everything else that involves his children, too. Why should you be asked to "mother" these children when you aren't allowed to discipline them? Eventually, you will be going to him every time they get in trouble and he's not there and you will start hearing him complain that you are NAGGING him. So if you can't discipline the children, he better start finding baby sitters and daycares to take care of his kids when he can't where they CAN discipline them or else you will be pulling your hair out.

Good Luck.

My DH said, if it's something I have an issue with, I need to handle it. He SAID he will back me up but he may not be the one to initiate the discipline for something he doesn't have an issue with... for example... the kids leave the stinky dirty socks in the living all the time. DH has NO problem with this since he does the same thing... so if I have a problem with it, I have to be the one to tell them to pick up their socks.

But I think men are slower to react. If the aurgument happended in front of both of you. He may not have responded as quickly as you would. You may have to pause to see if he's going to handle it. But if he doesn't, and it bothers you, you should have the right to handle it.

You are an equity partner in your marriage and an equity parent and disciplinarian to any children in your home.

DH is WRONG in this situation and you need to let him know it. If he does not like how you discipline then you need to let him know that he needs to step up and get it done BEFORE you have to and if it is to the point where you have to then he needs to keep his mouth shut and back you up. If he did not get it done before you have to he needs to voice his opinion later when the two of you are alone and can discuss it as adults away from the children.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,

"So I started to tell them not to talk to each other because it will only turn out into a big argument if they do."

Am I the only one who doesn't consider this discipline but rather a verbal observation? I agree with you Maldita that you were upset, it's rediculous to deal with that crap i know. I don't think it's something dh should have labeled as disciplining though, i see that as more of enforcing chores, time outs, taking away priviledges etc.

You can correct them. But, do not dole out any punishments. That will bite you in the ass. I did one time from SD for mouthing off to me. It has come back to me at least three times. All I did was tell her she was grounded from Facebook for the day.

When I realized that they were treating me worse than they would a teacher or an aunt, that was when I mentioned it to DH. Why are the kids able to talk to me like that, but we wouldn't tolerate it from them to anyone else. Lightbulb moment for him and I. I started disengaging completely.

Also, I would not get them dinner after he did that. He could get up and do it himself. His kids, his problem. Not yours...

I don't discipline and she lives full time with us. I never thought it was a stepparents job to discipline...that is why they have parents. Now in my case this child gets disciplined by no one but still it is not my place. JMO and everybody rolls differently.

Any children that I cannot discipline are not allowed into my home.

Well it's all in the tone and inference with that kind of remark. If it means 'Leave the disciplining to me darling, you shouldn't have to worry about it, I'll handle it', that's the stuff of SM fantasies: an orderly home when you don't have to be the bad guy because DH is prepared to step up and be pro-active. However, if it means 'Leave the discipling to me, you do not have the authority to tell my children how to behave', that's the stuff of SM nightmares: badly behaved children and a double standard which requires you to 'mother' in some ways, but disempowers you in others. If it's the latter then you have to discuss it with DH because as other posters have commented, you cannot be responsible for his children if you do not have the authority to supervise and correct their behaviour.