The first thing I thought about was how many times I have wished BM were hit by a mac-truck or would just do us all a favor and get rid of herself (whether it be to move far, far away or just kill herself).

But if something were to actually happen I don't know how I'd feel about it. I'd think that I'd feel badly. Of course I'd feel sad for the skids but man it would bother me to see their mother memoralized as this wonderful mother when she is anything but.

I'm sorry for how you are feeling, I can imagine how horrible that must feel to raise 3 kids that are not even yours, have their mother take all of the credit and then off herself and get even more credit when she clearly has done nothing but cause pain, drama and confusion for her children.

I too am a BM and I too suffer from mental crap but the one thing that I simply couldn't do is kill myself and leave my kids beind to suffer.

What that BM did is truly selfish, I cannot think of any better way to prove the depth of pure selfishness than to kill yourself and leave your family (much less your children) behind to pick up the pieces.

Once someone is gone, many times they are idolized. You did the right thing at the time. No matter what happens -- if the SKs NEVER appreciate you -- you know you did the right thing. You are the better mom. Remember...although there are different perceptions, there are also a set of facts. The facts are the facts. Much love!

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Like Conflicted as much as I wish for something to happen to BM deep down I wouldn't want to see the skids go through losing a parent.
From discussions with other SM's most skids do end up appreciating their SM when they are much order like when they are starting there own family or have kids of their own.
Unfortunatly because it is their mother they will idolize her, no matter what she has done or how she has treated them.
As much as my SS13 hates his mother he will be exactly the same if something was to happen to her.

Unfortunatly this is just going to have to be a time that you have to go through and just be their as support for your skids. They need you right now.
You sound like an extremly strong woman with what you have been through in the past with BM, don't beat yourself up about it, it certainly wasn't your fault that this has happened.

*My prayers are with you, BIG HUGS*

There are simply not enough words in my possession to convey my empathy for all you are enduring.

But please know, that just reading this post alone it is easy to see...

You have more than stepped up. You have been the best step mom for and by these children. No one can help someone who is unable to help themselves. And your love and devotion to these kids leaps out of every word you wrote. Even if the children's grief weighs too heavy to be able to know that or own it right now,somehow, somewhere deep down they thank God you are there with them, for them, loving them.

And so do I.

God Bless.

Z

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Lulu,

That has to be tough. For more than a decade I have wished for a well timed bus accident or a fortuitous meteor strike to rid my life of and save with and son (SS) from the Bio-Dad and his extended family. After reading your post I am not so sure that I still want that.

You have been the only real mother the kids have had. Now their bio-mom is the martyred example of motherhood perfection at least in their grieving minds and hearts.

Get some help for yourself because the kids are going to need your help in addressing their own grieving process in this. You have nothing to feel guilty about or regret. You did the best for the kids with the information and situation you had at the time. Bio-Moms decision was selfish and she took herself away from her children and they will deal with that for the rest of their lives.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Best regards,

Rags said it very well. Children who deal with an unstable parent will very typically view that parent with blinders. Denial is a poweful emotion, and magnified 100-fold when said parent then commits suicide.

Please don't blame yourself for anything in this situation. This woman was sick beyond your help. Please get yourself some counseling in order to cope with the roller-coaster of emotions those children now will deal with.

And the girls will need some serious counseling, too.

I can't even imagine the road your family now faces.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

b/c BM is also mentally ill and has tried to kill herself on many occassions. I am so sorry for your skids and for what you are going through as a result. HUGS to you!

that your family is going through this right now. My DH and I have also talked about the "what if BM was gone", as she is mentally unstable. We suspect bipolar/borderline. I told my DH, despite how she is, I would not want her to die....for the exact reasons you have stated in your post. She would be recalled as the best mom, and good person. She needs to stay on this earth, and finish the job she started of raising her kids, as she has pushed everyone away in favor of doing it "on her own",and they are her duplicates in alot of ways, and would be lost with out her.In our case, they need to be with her....they rebel against everyone els too. Sending prayers your way."~waiting on the world to change~"

She was the one who committed suicide, it is so unfortunate that you are having these feelings of uselessness. You have been the one for so many years who have been there for your steps. It was mentioned above that your steps are trying to cope, and fantasizing that their bio was a great parent is their only way. Keep in mind that we do tend to forget the bad things when we loose someone that we know, that is human nature. These kids know in their heart that you have been a life saver to them and they will need you to help them with their grief. Grief is a long process for most and usually people take a year or more to go thru all the emotions.

Suicide is a hard pill to swallow for everyone left behind, even for the ones who wasn't the person's biggest fan. Allow yourself to grieve also. I don't think that karma has anything to do this....For example if I wished my bm to die or burn at the stake or just go the hell away, and something like that actually happened, I couldn't blame myself or feel the cause was somehow related, it is just what it is.

It was her who committed the suicide, it was her who decided to end all relationships by her own hand, keep on loving these skids as you have all these years, you are the one who has always been in their corner and they do know this. Hang in...sending prayers up....

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

I call it the "post-mortem pedestal" but as the kids sort through their grief I think they will eventually come back to seeing the real woman. Right now they're really grieving the mom they wish they had, the mom they saw glimpses of but that never really existed. I think with the stability they have with you they (and you) will all get through it. Be prepared for the anger stage if it's not already here, suicide is the most incredible selfish thing someone can do and eventually they will (rightfully) be very angry about it.

stepwitch, "it was her who decided to end all relationships by her own hand". Words to live by."~waiting on the world to change~"

Please don't blame yourself. You probably wouldn't have prevented anything if you had tried to be there for her. She would have done it no matter what. My skids bm killed herself when they were babies. People that do these things are just thinking of themselves and no one else. You should not feel bad. You can't save everyone. You had to focus on keeping your sanity and your family safe and happy. Yes, it is hard to deal with how wonderful the bm becomes through her act of selfishness. My skids bm will always be on a pedestal no matter what! They never even knew her. It will never matter to them that I tried to be what a mother should be to them. I have learned to accept that I will probably never get to have a relationship with my skids. I also agree with semi that after the kids get done grieving, then they will start to remember the old stuff about her and then the anger will come out towards her because she basically abandoned them. I am sorry that you are having to go through this. However, it is good that the skids have you. In the end, I think that they will appreciate you. (((HUGS))