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My daughter is a step daughter..I have to pick her brain

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 6:32am

My daughter is a step-daughter (common-law) and as her Bio-mom and his X..it gives me a slightly different perspective than when I'm on the recieving end as a step-mom. My daughter did an "all about me" assignment which I looked over this morning. She listed me,dad, sDAd, brother, 2 Ssisters and her dog.......she did not include Dad's live-in GF (1 1/2 yrs now) common-law spouse. Everyone else was there and she was quite obviously excluded!! (Welcome to my world as a SM)

So I questioned her about it....I said you forgot "****"" on your list. She said "Yeah..I forgot her" followed by "She's not really family yet". I had to leave for work and she was brushing her teeth...but I plan on continuing this conversation later.

I'm curious why SDad was "accepted" in that time frame but SMOM is not...I plan on picking her brain. If I can understand where she's coming from..it will also help me figure out where my SD's are coming from. I can't force my daughter to feel a bond with her..but I will do my best to encourage it..she really seems like a good person and my daughter needs to give her a chance!!

I will keep you all posted....:)

Comments

Nymh's picture

Submitted by Nymh on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 6:42am

It makes me feel good to know that there are biomoms out there like you. I wish you could give mine lessons! It seems like you really care about your children and want everyone to feel loved and accepted. Good for you!

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

lylagarrett's picture

Submitted by lylagarrett on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 7:07am

You should feel proud of your daughter that she even mentioned her dad. In our instance, my step-son had a similiar assignment and came to our house to use our computer to type it up on and I was helping him with the computer and reading a bit of his paper. He going into telling all about his mom, his sister, his little brother and his step-dad, who in the paper he called dad. No mention of his own father or me or his half brother! When I asked him about it, he informed me it was just easier to do it that way than go into the whole drama of having two families!

Melody's picture

Submitted by Melody on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 8:13am

My ss did the same thing, he included his biomom, stepsister, stepbrother but nothing about his dad or I. It was about going to a White Sox game and who he would take. We were the ones who bought him a White Sox jersey and support him at wanting to be a pro-baseball player (he's 11 right now)- but his biomom tells him that it is an unrealistic goal. Now she is the one who he wants to take.
When I asked him about it, he said that his biomom is the first one to always read his papers so he did not want to hurt her feelings. We always try to be carefree so that he does not feel like he has to be worried about hurting our feelings all the time, because his biomom is very sensitive. But it does kind of hurt us.

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 8:47am

I know its the "excluding" thing that gets to me.....most of all.

Whether it's SD's or hubby or any combination there-of. Don't ignore me, or belittle my feelings..they are genuine, don't trample over me..I haven't done anything to deserve it. I have tried to make it work to bite my tongue for the sake of peace...etc.

Too bad if his mother doesn't want you included....the fact is...by being a part of his Dads life ...YOU ARE AUTO-MATICALLY a part of his life. I accept hubby's GF as part of his life..and inevitably part of my children's life. That's just the way it is...No one should pretend she isn't there.

Your right it does hurt when SK's do that...
I know hubby's x hates me and encourages hatred in her children..but I think overall they don't like this quality in her.
But I don't do that to my X's GF.....so what else is it about SD's and SMoms...that makes it hard for my daughter to accept her?

I really want to know..... it's hard to find information on this stuff..they talk about dynamics, etc..but never really spell out the mechanisms that drive it...or what exactly the "dynamics" tend to be...

I think it's the "she's taking my daddy away...or the.. I don't want to share him" syndrome....

But I wonder if she's even aware of her own feelings.....

Looking forward to a long chat with her later... Smile

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 10:31am

Lovin-life…

I’m also curious to find out why she opted not to include her…could it be that the relationship is still kind of new to her vs. her step dad since the two of you have been together for 5+ years?

Make a GREAT Day!

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 10:49am

Could be, Nise. But she was waaaaaay more open to S Dad....than she is to S Mom... If you compare the two Step relationships..in a time line..the one with Sdad progressed much, much, much more quicky to acceptance by this point.

It may have more to do with who has custody. Who she spends the most time interacting with. She lives under the same roof with Sdad..and only sees SMom every second weekend & 1 evening during the week..during visits with her Dad.

But following that theory....why include oldest SD who she barely has contact with...never speaks to on the phone..has only socialized with for a few hours at a time ..on average once or twice a year?? Her contact with her has been almost negligible..so why was she included and GF not...she has had many postive experiences with GF..

X's GF is a junior high school teacher..so she knows the demographic..she understands that age group..she has a lot of interests..they've spent time together "bonding" just the two of them (shopping).. they also do alot of fun things together as a group as well... Daughter & X's GF had alot more time/contact together or opportunity to build the relationship than daughter and oldest SD
....so I can't say for sure

...so I am really curious to hear her thoughts on it.. Smile

Melody's picture

Submitted by Melody on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 11:10am

I have read alot about the bonding between children and their parents. Naturally girls tend to bond with their fathers more and boys with their mothers - which is why you have daddy's little girl and mama's boy. I really think that the nature of humans really is to impress the opposite sex period. Not saying that daughters do not bond with their mothers at all, but they tend to seek out the relationship and approval of their Fathers more. Maybe this has something to do with the GF, she has no need for approval from her.
With stepdad she may feel the need to embrace the relationship a little more because of her "natural" instincts????? I don't know, it is amazing at the things you think to understand what is going on in their little heads....

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 11:19am

Melody

That is a great analysis and most likely you have hit the nail on the head! Very interesting....

Make a GREAT Day!

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 11:57am

Very interesting, indeed! I definately feel that my SD's have no need for my approval.... Maybe that's what's up with my daughter & X's GF. Have you studied this in University or something, Melody?

So.. next step in my thought process is....

If they want or need DAd's appoval...wouldn't getting along with his new wife,(respect/consideration)...be a way to get his appoval.

If that was the standard the Dad held the daughter accountable to..

As a mom..I hold my daughter accountable for her behavior towards anyone..(X's GF included) I don't want to raise a self-absorbed snotty brat!! I want her to be a person of good character... Why wouldn't a non-cusodial Dad not do the same thing?

If the Dad's have such an infuence over thier daughters because of these dynamics..why don't they step up..instead of being played?!!

Smile

I wonder what goes on in X's house.... Does daughter disrespect GF. ..in any way...is she subversive about it if she does... does my X call our daughter out on it? or does he cater to his princess..and GF must take a back seat..?? Shut up & put up!!! It's eggshell time again this weekend...???

HHHMMMMMMMMMMMM.........

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 12:11pm

No she doesn't...but I've watched her around mine and she really is good with them.

I used the phrase "being played" because any teenager will tend to do use what they can to get their own way and if they can play their parents they will. Whether mom & dad are together or the situation is more complicated with steps, etc. They will use parental guilt or whatever..it takes. All kids test the waters....She will pull some over on me over the next few years ..no doubt..that's the age & stage she's coming into!!

I think things will work out for them in time... but it just makes me think.....

PS

I've said this before...how hard must it be for GF to foster a relationship with my kid. when my daughter is actively resisting..

(There are other things said/incidents/she is hyper critical of GF's everymove-word etc...like she is looking for reasons to not like her or be around her. Things that didn't really make sense so When I questioned further..my daughter said..well it's not really her... DAD acts stupid around her)

So I think it definately comes down to a Dad & daughter issues...but the step-moms wear it!!!! I want to know Why???? And how to change it or lessen it?????

So does Dad need to take the lead in "fixing" it or "managing" the daughter vs stepmom relationship..since he is at the hub of it???

I'm working for GF on my end....I don't want her to go through SD crap like me..for what it's worth. What do Dad's need to do??? Is that where the solution lies...

Melody.....where are these books....???????

As I re-read this.....in regards to my own SD ..I know Dad can't force it...I can't force it..they can't force it. ANd I think SD's & I have to forge our own relationship without his interference...I think, in my case huuby's involvement has hindered things between youngest SD & me rather than helped!!

Had his approach been different.....he may have been a help....but as I see it...he has put helped put a wedge between she & I.

SD & I agreed to discuss things with each other & not through him ..as we talked to each other, said our appologies and cleared the air somewhat last week..... I think we shouldv'e done that years ago.....but I don't know if we were ready???

Melody's picture

Submitted by Melody on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 1:06pm

What books?? I need more books myself...
I think that daughter is possibly a little jealous of GF, in the sense that she causes dad to be "stupid", which probably are emotionally reactions that she does not get from him herself. Depending on how spouses involve themselves can make or break it, I do think that it is important that they talk to their children about the feelings they have for their current relationship. Especially for Dad's, their daughters need to know that they are happy and that under no circumstances will they accept behavior that is rude or unkind toward anyone in their home or even outside the home (as you stated about the standard you hold her to yourself). Most of the time the Dad's just want to ignore what is going on or they simply are oblivious to it and are clueless at catching on to the behavior. Most of the time it may not even happen in front of him, and if GF is not talking to him about it then he does not know. Your daughter needs to know from her Dad and even from GF that she is important to him. I talk to my ss all the time and tell him all the great things his dad thinks and feels about him so that he knows that he is important in his dad's eyes in our conversations as a couple as well. I think the Dad has a big part in helping his daughter along in the relationship.
I am curious as to the real attitudes that the GF gives off when they are together as a family. She may act too care-free toward the daughter which might make her feel invisible or feel like she is just being tolerated in their home.
I am sure by the sounds of you, that your daughter is respectful and it sounds to me that the wrong signals could be given to her by both of them.

Melody's picture

Submitted by Melody on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 5:59pm

guinnessgirl, My ss is 11 now and I have been with his dad since he was 4. I know how you feel, I wonder when I will be deserving of his acceptance of me sometimes too. I look at it like I am a "nanny" to him, I am just someone who helps take care of him when his Mom is not around. It is hard to accept and I just hope that one day when he is older he will look back and be grateful for the relationship he has in all of us, even if half of us are just his stepparents. I love him so much and we do so many things that will shape their future and make them who they will be as an adult, when you do not get credit for it, it hurts. I am working on dealing with that too, just like you.
I think what makes it even more difficult for me is that I do not have any children of my own, he is everything to me. I thought maybe if I had a child of my own it might help to keep my mind off of not be completely accepted by him - I don't know.....what do you think?

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Fri, 09/15/2006 - 7:06am

We are such a busy household...I didn't get much of a chance to talk to her yesterday..we were running in all directions..just a quick discussion in the car this morning. I told her I wanted to know more about what she was thinking when she did her assignment.

What she said is...."when she thinks of family ... she thinks of me & SDad... then as she wrote SDad she thought oh ya Dad too, she said she honestly just didn't think of GF...she just didn't come to mind"

So I asked more specifically... "When you thought of your Dad..didn't GF come to mind at all...even for a second?" The answer was no.......

Sooooo...according to her..no malice..no intent to hurt or offend..just never gave her a second thought one way or the other really. (She thought of Sdad before Dad as well.....that would definately hurt him...although not intentional..either)

SDad is way more involved in her life..Dad has that option too..but doesn't tend to step up.

So all my rantings about being ignored by "oldest SD" do have merit..I am being ignored, left out, etc. BUT it's not necessarily done deliberatley to hurt me...

It seems to have more to do with the degree of interaction, involvement & bonding...

I do know when my daughter says "Dad acts stupid around her".... She's right...at least in the beginning..there was a marked change in him when she came on the scene and not for the better. Kind of like he started to show-off around her...the kids would come back from visits and complain about all kinds of new behaviour changes/incidents and I have been on the receiving end of a few.

He & I had a lunch meeting once trying to resolve her not wanted to visit him anymore...and I told him of these complaints from the kids. He agreed that he acts differently around GF "acts goofy" is how he put it...but the kids & I have seen other behaviour, acting tough, I'm super dad "I say the word they jump"..same with X. Just kind of stirring up trouble..when it wasn't necessary. I don't think he understands the impact of what he says/does...in the big picture..

I kind of feel like in both instances b/t daughter/SD's/Dads etc..the Dad can make it easier or more difficult for his new wife..in how HE sets the stage.....for his daughter. He needs to be more aware of stirring resentment or try to minimize resentment by paying attention to things...how little things affect the big picture.

I don't thinks guys "get it"....... not the way women do. Smile

hopeful's picture

Submitted by hopeful on Fri, 09/15/2006 - 8:10am

I think that often men don't appreciate the impact that fathers have on their kids. Has your ex had many GF? If so, perhaps your daughter doesn't take those relationships seriously as well, especially if it is a new relationship. Kids can't be expected to bond with someone, just because the parent happens to bring them into their life. That is something that happens with time, if ever. We can pick our friends but we can't pick our relatives, including our pseudo relatives that the adults in our lives pick for us!

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Fri, 09/15/2006 - 8:26am

My ex and I have been divorced for 7 years and this is his first GF.. I just tell my daughter to be very nice and kind to her. And that I am ok she has a huge heart and loving this woman is ok too. My daughter I think is more concerned with my feelings then her own. which I am 100% ok with the whole relationship. The difference is though that I know her dad's GF and have since I was probably 7 years old.. SO we go back her brother and mine were really good friends.. So a little difference in the relationship.. Not to mention I used to go dancing with a group and she was part of that group.
So let me know what your daughter says because it may be how or what my SD thinks of me..

Melody's picture

Submitted by Melody on Fri, 09/15/2006 - 7:53am

I knew your daughter was a good girl!!! I am glad that you have resolved some concerns that you had. Sounds like dad needs to step up, but if he does not sdad seems to have everything under control and your daughter will have the father relationship she needs and desires. You go girl!!!!

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Fri, 09/15/2006 - 8:08am

Please let us know.. My daughter is kinda of being the same way with her dad's GF and of course I have tried to talk to her and all I get is she babies my brother.. And she just is not you.. Maybe that is it.. Its just not the bio mom.. Think? Dunno.. Let me know what you daughter says.. I am very interested..

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Fri, 09/15/2006 - 8:56am

Close situation here...Happy. 5+ years and also x's first girlfriend..(of meaning..that met his kids). "She babies my brother" ...that's the kind of answers I would get from mine...like she's looking for things to pick her apart about.

Last weekend..mine was complaining about how loud GF is..that you can't hear TV or yourself think..all you hear is her. GF does have a loud voice..and thier house is small, no rec room to get your own space,etc..so I can imagine that her voice does carry through-out.

But I say to her...well she's a teacher..she needs to have her voice carry..she's had to learn to project her voice, etc. Mine will agree..but say "....it's still annoying".

Dad was always harder on our son than our daughter.....she is the obvious favorite. I mean it was obvious to me years ago when they were still small..and even my son at age 10 has stated on many occasions that she gets away with everything and is Dad's favourite.

Is it a Daddy's girl......syndrome.. and GF's stealing some of the control, attention, and deminishing daughters ability to "work him" or her place as the or Angel "special female" in his life.......

I don't know if the daughters are fully aware of WHY they really act or feel the way they do regarding DAd's GF. Like with married couples...fighting over money isn't really about money...or who took out the garbage isn't really about the garbage...
It's not that "she babies my brother" or "she talks to loud".......but I don't think the kids fully understand their own feelings or actions...they're too complex!!

As a step mom I tend to take it personally..I'm sensitive that way..it hurts my feelings. But I know..dispite my childs actions/words...she really does like GF. (It's not her its DAd) ANd my son really, really, really, really likes her....and has no issues with her what-so-ever.

ANd maybe when my hubby tells me...that his kids..really do like me..dispite their actions/words/my hurt feelings....they just might after all..(in their own confused way) Smile

Anonymous's picture

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 12:57am

Your situations remind me of my early teens. I came on here looking for answers to my SS and X situation but I am a SD first before a SM. I know in my household I HATED losing control of things in our home. Since I was the only female in the house prior to SM, I ran things, BioDad had custody. My SM was fake, fake fake, she tried really hard to win me over but it wasn't with things that had substance. Trying too hard and going over the top earned her my contempt, she didn't try to get to know me she just wanted to impress me quickly with flash and dazzle. It's the everyday things and being real that matter. In my case when the truth came out the SM never liked me, in fact she Hates me to this day. She feels that my father should put her first always. Come to find out she was only doing what she felt she had to do to marry my father, once they were married she made my life horrid and actually to this day still goes out of her way to do so. Don't force your daughter to have a relationship with the GF please!! If the GF is a genuinely nice person a healthy relationship will develop in time, when your daughter has the opportunity that only time can provide to see that the GF is a good, caring, dependable person.

Anonymous's picture

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 9:36am

It has been my experience that often stepdaughters go out of their way to make their stepmothers lives miserable too. It sounds to me like you had a hand in creating a competition between the two of you.

You say in MY household I hated losing control of things in our home…wasn’t it your stepmother’s home too?

You also talk about how fake she was and how she tried so hard to win you over…maybe she was struggling with finding a way to build a relationship and finally just gave up. Did you ever try to reach out to her?

The relationship should come first. But, I also believe that you and your stepmother should have been Number 1 in your father’s eyes, but in different ways.

Maybe your stepmother wasn’t the nicest person, but it doesn’t sound to me like you gave her much of a chance.

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 10:32am

I agree somewhat to a degree with do not force the issue.
But its my belief as well that as the bio mom if my kids know I am comfortable with another woman in there lives they will be as well. I never say a negative word about there father to them or tell anything bad about how he pays support.. I think by me being a grwon up and talking with my kids and being open they are more well rounded children. Did I make a mistake and take them along for the ride.. Sure I did.. Did my divorce ruin there lives, not in anyway. Is my being married to another man hurting them. Noway. They are good to him as he is to them.
My husbands X- is 38 and I am 31- huge difference in her and I.. I talk to my kids and tell them to always be respectful of there dad's GF and be nice and on there best behavior. Why because if they go in being that way she has no reason to treat them bad. She just always says crap and tries to act perfect. Which is sickening. I think JMO.. Is she jealous I am sure of it. But I cannot help that. Do I think that she has caused problems between me and the SD sure I do. Just by phone calls made to my husband. Does she need to grow up. Yep she sure does..
You know what.. I am 31 and my mom dated a man for 18 years of my life.. So from the time I was 5 to 23.. When they split because he had another GF, I did not treat her badly. I realized that neither of them were happy together.. Did I agree with him cheating on my mom.. No.. But if I would have treated her badly I would have lost him completely and I did not want that. Am I saying I may have put a fake smile on.. hell yeah.. She was not to crazy about him still being a part of my life, after all I really was not biologically his but he had always treated me that way. She had even kinda taken him away for awhile and it hurt.. But at the same time this woman was his wife and I respected that. He is now back in my life and I love him and it was not until she seen him with her / there granddaughter did she understand my bond with him.. She has since been really cool and I like her.. But it was about RESPECTING him and his decision.
My husbands kids may not like the way I am because I am way harder on them then there bio parents but there father chose me because of that I truly feel that they should respect me, by respecting me as his mate they are really showing him respect.. I think its wrong to only be respectful when you want something. That is just wrong. I was raised with 3 sisters and my brother. My borhter being the only one who is full blood, my mom raised us to think that there is not Step or half.. Its just not right.. JMO.. Anyways I am rambling on and on for some reason. Hope I have helped..