Emotions All Over The Place
I'm finding myself going from highly annoyed when dude randomly imports his kids on the weekends (variable days/times and rarely informs me in advance) to feeling extreme guilt during the week when he's more normal (and I don't have to be negatively impacted by his Disneyland parenting/skid imports where I can't plan/prepare for them bc he won't tell me the exact day/time until absolute last minute)
The last two weeks moving out has become more real as i tour new places (and now fill out applications) and I'm feeling more sadness/guilt than a divorced Disneyland parent with fragile snowflake kids
I suppose I'm still pushing forward because although he's getting slightly better and tapering down this Disneyland bs, at one point, last year I believe, he said he wished he had full custody of his son, a couple of months ago he said "if you weren't here my kids would be here all the time", he will not stop giving in to their whims (specifically if they demand to be picked up for a skid takeover, he's gonna do it no questions asked then tell me about it like an hour before), and his new expectation of seggs multiple times a week (which is IMO outlandish and a way to say "hey if I gotta make my snowflake kids "suffer"/risk losing my kids providing my narcissistic supply by dropping the Disneyland dad act then you have to drop the drawers multiple times a week on demand")
Im gonna miss the companionship, the matching outfits, those kids arent really that bad just the dude is having a hard time not being a Disneyland dad, a dude who actually answers the phone, etc but I believe that I'll find this and more (minus the layaway plan h00ker + her needy dependent kids) if I decide to date again
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Reality is he is not a good
Reality is he is not a good partner and never has been, nor would he be even if the kids miraculously disappeared and were never heard from again. Trust me I kept thinking once Spawn aged out everything between DH and I would be golden. It was for a few years, which I think equates to the honeymoon years we never got because Spawn was always there. Now that she’s been aged out for a long while the reality is my DH is a piss poor partner. He believes that his contribution to marriage is work, while my contribution is everything else. He is learning very quickly that I am no longer accepting the piss poor partnership nor his lack of involvement. I don’t know if my DH can actually grow the eff up and be a real man because he’s seeing just how hard being an actual grown a$$ adult is, and I’m not helping him anymore. He actually was offended that I haven’t been praising him for his piss poor attempts at adulting. I finally had to tell him I wasn’t going to praise him for doing the bare minimum of what most adults do daily. Get out while you can, this man isn’t going to grow up. He wants a mommy, not a partner.
THANK YOU for helping me see
THANK YOU for helping me see the truth.
I agree. When we first moved in together he was trying to have me do school runs and have his ex wives drop those kids here like something my mom would accept bc that's what moms/grand moms do. Then he got offended when I honestly said I didn't love him unconditionally (like bruh we just got together and you're already loading me up with your obligations plus I'm not your mom)
Sometimes it's hard to see the truth when you're deeply immersed in the situation.
I thought long and hard about asking to keep the engagement ring because he's incapable of being a good husband that most women in my place would want.
But you know what if he will just accept this ending without hassling me, stalking me or worse then he can have that ring
You have a point too about how the Disneyland syndrome never ends with these type of bio parents/spouses. Whether they let their kids feel like every day is Disneyland or whether they themselves act like every day is Disneyland
I think the guilt and
I think the guilt and questioning on the part of the person making the break is normal. My ex was a cruel narcissist and I couldn't wait to get away from him, yet when it got closer, I started questioning my decision and wondering if I was wrong to be breaking up with him. I think part of it was from being conditioned from my ex' gaslighting that caused me to second-guess myself for so long. You say your stbx is narcissistic. Has he conditioned you into second-guessing yourself? Either way, I think it's normal for the person doing the breaking up to start doing a total assessment as the time gets closer and start remembering some not so bad times and then wondering if they're in the right for ending the relationship.
I'm not certain he's full
I'm not certain he's a severe full blown textbook narcissist but I have seen some mild/moderate narcissistic traits (like gaslighting, fishing for compliments, using his kids for narcissistic supply, difficulty feeling empathy for anyone aside from his kids/blood relatives, etc)
Specifically the gaslighting and minimizing do have me second guessing the reality.
A few months ago I started keeping a log of all the stuff he did that annoyed tf out of me so maybe I need to go back and read it when I start second guessing myself.
Also the "nice girl" syndrome women are constantly raised to be. Feeling like if I leave I'm being "mean" and destroying something that could have been "fixed". But if he won't change his Disneyland ways, and men are supposed to be the leaders in the relationship, then he's detroying it....im just walking away from the wreckage
The ring's a necessary sacrifice!
Lilly, I strongly suggest that you leave the ring on his table, along with your 'I'm gone' letter. Keeping the engagement ring would make your soon-to-be-ex feel cheated and used. Kind of the way he makes YOU feel, come to think of it.
you have a good point.
you have a good point. Thanks for helping me see this more clearly.
I dont necessarily need the money from the sale of that ring (and I definitely don't want to hold onto it so that I can move onto my next chapter free from anything tying us together) AND if it means him keeping it will prevent him from losing his mind and acting out then he can certainly have it.
Trust me, at some point in
Trust me, at some point in time those kids, or at least one of them, is going to end up living with him full time. And they're going to be doing things like drinking, drugs, partying, stealing your $ and belongings, all while guilty daddy says "no they're not" and "it wasn't my child who did it."
It's going to get a LOT worse.
Unfortunately
It is easy to fool ourselves into deluded thinking that things aren't so bad when the kids aren't around. Even if they completely PAS out like the ferals in my case you never know if they're going to come swinging back into your life and cause havoc. Best to keep with your exit plan.
STOP with the self guilting bullshit!
You know he is shit and the relationship is shit.
Do not re-engage. It will completely reset you getting on with living well to no viable out other than more of the same shit.
Stay the course. Take care of you.
He’s not narcissist
He wants his version of the "Big Happy Family". Where you love SK to death.. You love to do all the motherly things. Not have alone time with DH to cook, clean and let SK run wild because that makes them happy. '
You have a number of un fixable problems.
One. You don't and never will just love SK to death.
Two. You will never be happy spending all your weekends, vacation time. Trips. With SK. Not like a real bio parent who lived for there kids.
Three. BM. Wants the SD away from her, to give her time for herself. Finding, a BF.,FWB. To stay at home with a SO, drink watch tv. Do adult things.
What brings up. Four. DH doesn't care about your feelings. That is a thing that will never change.
we can't tell you what to do. We can't tell you do do . How to figure out where you are going to live. Pay bills. And live your new life. That's is scary.
But your are young. You have a hold life. In front of you. Have you asked yourself,, How you see yourself 10 years from now..Do you want kids. What your idea of the "Big Happy Family ". Are SK included in it. Will SK with DH want to do young child things. Lego land. Not 200 foot rollercoaster land.
you are young. You can find a man with out kids. Who will kiss your feet. Put you on a pedestal. You can have your chance at your own family. With out some BM trying to control you
Thanks Harry! Everything you
Thanks Harry! Everything you're saying makes absolute sense. Ugh!
Hes not a good stepdad either
Which is one reason why I disengaged from his kids. Like how dare you expect me to invest in your kids when you are unwilling to invest in mine.
So focused on making sure his kids had a father which is excellent but my daughter doesn't have a father in her life sooooo you're only going to be a father to your ex wife's kids?!?
If men lead the relationship then I cannot give or invest more than what he's giving/investing.
Youre right Harry - if I date again it will be men with no dependents and/or no kids. I do want to see what better quality men are out there.