Those are all big decisions for sure!

Sending you prayers of peace during this time, take care of you, ok?

i guess all I got (never having gone through pregnancy, treatments, etc.) is just that you got this and I hope for the best possibly outcome for you.  Definitley talk over the moral things with your DH, make the best decision you can, and once you've made it, write it down, and remind yourself, that no matter what is is, you and your DH made the best possible decision for yourselves. IF you change that decision later for any reason, just remind yourself that that's okay :)  I think with a process like this, you're going to have to be kind to yourselves on a lot of things.

You got this! ANd we're here I would stay hestitantly optomistic.

 I had to go through fertility treatment to have my first, but an IUI worked for me. 

No advice just commiseration that the whole process is a mindf*ck, especially if your husband has kids already. It's like you're going through infertility alone rather than as a couple. If it doesn't work eh, he's already got kids so it's less pressure for him. Then there's the fact that his ex was able to have kids easily, maybe even unintentionally, and that hurts too. 

We have 2 kids now and my husband is about to get a vasectomy. It feels so strange to try so hard to have kids and now to try not to have them. 

 I had to go through fertility treatment to have my first, but an IUI worked for me. 

No advice just commiseration that the whole process is a mindf*ck, especially if your husband has kids already. It's like you're going through infertility alone rather than as a couple. If it doesn't work eh, he's already got kids so it's less pressure for him. Then there's the fact that his ex was able to have kids easily, maybe even intentionally, and that hurts too. 

We have 2 kids now and my husband is about to get a vasectomy. It feels so strange to try so hard to have kids and now to try not to have them. 

My sister had both her kids through IVF, in her mid-30s. They did the procedure 3 times, with the first and third being her 2 kids. Her husband had a low sperm count, too, from a medical condition. I remember the stress of sinking that much money into it and knowing that most people try it a few times before one "takes."

I've been thinking about your situation a lot and really hoping for success. Nobody is more mentally and emotionally prepared for parenthood than you! 

LD, I went through a bunch of fertility treatments and know it can be stressful, a sex-for-fun killer, and amp up ye olde anxiety. It sounds like you are approaching this with the right frame of mind. Prayers and well wishes for you!!!

I didn't have kids of my own and never really went this route.. just figured my drive to reproduce wasn't high enough to accept the cost..lol.

But, I wish you and your dH nothing but the best here.. I hope it works out for you!

I've always been child free by choice so have no experience or wisdom to share from a personal point of view.  However, everything I've read says that it is tiring and emotional.  Be gentle with yourself as you go through the process.

Thanks for the personal update - you are so good at focusing on other's questions, issues and angsts, that Im glad that you are letting off a little "steam" (for that train, lol...)

Good luck on that, I know it must be more stressful than you are letting on, but Ive always believed that the right thing will happen, at the right time.

And about those ethical issues. I tend to be a "lets do this and get to it person" once I make my mind up to do something. And then process it later...so kudos to you for beginning your processing gradually, and acknowledging that its "there".

I am looking forward to the good news that I will be a "Steptalk Auntie"

Oh hon, that does sound stressful.  I hope everything works out wonderfully for you both.  You are such a giving person.  You deserve this.

I was very fortunate that we conceived DD on my last round of Covid, so while we'd met with the IVF doctor, we haven't had to go that route.  Infertility sucks, but it sounds like you've got the right mindset.  I hope you and your DH get exactly what you want, and I'm wishing some magical baby dust your way. 

what is IUI?

I have endometriosis and also tried IVF (specifically ICSI as DD5's dad has slow sperm...so they had to pick the "best" sperm and egg, then injected the healthiest sperm into said egg). I ensured I had a laporoscopy before I had IVF as apparently it can increase fertility by up to 13% and then within that year had IVF.

I was lucky. Just remember to be chilled out as much as possible, take care of yourself and good luck!

We used fertility treatments to have DD. DH has a low count due to a genetic issue. SSs were born through IVF (BM also had major fertility issues). I think they went through six rounds total. DH didn't mention all this before we decided to try to have kids. He assumed he was "fine" because they mostly talked about BM's issues, but looking at his medical records (which we got when we talked to a fertility specialist), he always had a majorly low sperm count. 

My advice: 

1) Choose your fertility doctor wisely. The first person we saw was supposedly an expert in male infertility. She "discovered" DH's genetic condition (which I already suspected he had and told her so on the first appointment) and then said she was going to "cure" him and become famous publishing articles about it. She then put DH on a medication that dropped his low count to zero. I did my own research and begged her to start him on another medication, she finally relented and two months after he started that medication, his sperm returned. We then met with several others before choosing more wisely the second time around. The whole process is all about trust, because there are so many unknowns. Make sure you advocate for yourself at every step in the process. 

2) Try to remain cautiously optimistic and don't let the numbers get you down. DH's sperm count was so low that we never would have stood a chance in h$ll of getting pregnant naturally and even IUI was out of the question. I was also older at the time we started, but had no known fertility issues and all my tests looked good for my age. Still the odds were heavily stacked against us and I feel so lucky everyday that we have a perfectly healthy daughter. 

3) It is so much harder to go through all of this as a stepmom. I said several times to DH that if this failed for us, it would be really hard for me, because I'd still have to be a stepmom. It bothered me that BM was able to have children, but I knew it was hard for her, so at least it wasn't as if it came easy. Our state doesn't require insurance coverage for fertility treatment, thought, so we only had one shot (which we turned into two after the debacle with the first doctor). There were a few moments when I thought it wouldn't happen though and I thought I would not have been able to handle being a stepmom anymore (esp given my situation with a HCBM and Skids who are alienated enough that they treat DH like a piggy bank rather than a dad and report everything...and I mean everything...back to BM). 

4) Take everything with a grain of salt. There is so much information out there, but, as I said above, so many unknowns. Do what feels right for you and find things that can be calming. I don't know if acupuncture actually helps, but I found it calming and fortunately was partially covered by my insurance. I also tried to do some yoga and meditation. While DH and I were doing all this, BM was having one of her cage-rattling sessions, so I was stressed out of my mind and wish I had been able to insulate myself more from everything. 

5) Focus on the positive, but try to keep yourself grounded. Remember, there is a chance with everything, so you could be one of the positive outcomes. However, IVF doesn't guarantee a baby and the process will feel like a roller coaster. There will be a lot of "hurry up and wait" happening...

Best of luck! I was lucky that I did not have any known fertility problems myself. However, I have friends who had severe endometriosis and adenomyosis and it made the process more challenging.