"I don't know how I'm going to pay for Christmas..."
*deep, cleansing breath*
I will start out by saying that DH and I haven't had our fireside chat yet. His company has been going through layoffs, and his counterpart was let go. DH has been working overtime and trying to get a handle on his new double-sized team scattered across the country. It has been a rough couple of weeks, but next weekend after Thanksgiving should an excellent time to chat (we've already made plans to go out shopping for a few home things, so being somewhat distracted will help us talk but break up it so we can digest; it has worked well before).
Until then, though, I'm just monitoring and filing away things. This time on "As The Stepmom's Head Turns":
BM drops off kids. OSS reminds DH that HE forgot to buy them socks. Then YSS chimes in with needing winter gloves and a hat. Then BM chimes in saying OSS needs $7 - yes $7 - for a band thing.
Now, let's do a little real math (we know BM math is rarely ever accurate). DH buys cheap socks for them and himself because they all have a tendency to wear any sock out quickly. So a big bag of socks is, what, $15?
Now, hats and gloves. A winter hat is maybe $10 (we have winter here regularly in Anti-Canada, so stuff is pretty cheap). Gloves, like the woven kind, are 2-for-$5. That's another $15.
Add in the $7 and we have a whopping total of $37.
$37. THIRTY SEVEN-FREAKING DOLLARS! And you made one kid go through a recent ice storm with no gloves or hat because you can't scrape together $15?!
BM is allegedly working as a mechanic. Allegedly full time. And she gets $1,000/mo in CS. How TF does she not have money?!
Then she mentions that both kids have a mountain of homework to do. And this isn't reading that was assigned on Friday. No, this is YSS having 3 papers due and one book to be read, and OSS having 2 papers. You know, things that they were likely assigned WAY earlier in the semester that we haven't heard about AT ALL by any of them.
Now, knowing they had all this, do you think BM dropped them off early so they could start on it? Nope! She had them participate in some church activity, so they were even later than usual at drop off. DH has plans with them for the weekend (nothing fun; we need to hang some pictures and lights so DH was going to teach them how to and let them use a drill, and they need to clean their room and bathroom before Thanksgiving), and now that may or may not happen given everything they need to do.
AND THEN, because she wasn't darkening my doorway enough, BM mentions that she doesn't know how she is going to pay for Christmas this year. She is supposedly working full-time in a trade job. She gets $1,000/mo in CS. If she isn't working full-time, she could get a second job. Not having Christmas money is just baffling to me.
However, we did find out from the kids that they have a subscription to a game rental service, which of course tops socks and winter gear. *eyeroll*
On the bright side, I got new appliances. My oven went crazy last week and tried to catch itself on fire when plugged in, so we made the plunge and just bought all new. We have been planning this since we bought the house, but were waiting for it all to die on its own. It has, so may Demon Stove forever rest in peace.
*deep, cleansing breath*
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She does have money. But in
She does have money. But in her mind, it's DH's job to pay for stuff for the kids, not hers. And she knows DH will do it, because he has in the past. And if he doesn't, she knows how to expertly turn it around and make the kids think it's HIS fault if they go through an ice storm with no hat and gloves. "I can't believe your father is so cheap he wouldn't buy you hats and gloves when it's winter time," says BM, knowing that DH won't tell the kids that it's really HER job to buy that stuff. And if he does tell the kids that, then they feel angry at him and protective of poor BM who is soooo hard up for money all the time (they know this, because she tells them).
Your DH is in a no-win situation, as was mine. Yours chooses the "give in and pay for everything" route, mine chose the," refuse to do it and tell the kid what CS is for" route, and neither work. Both routes end up with kids who are aligned with mom and mad at dad, and BM wins either way.
Mostly spot on! I think
Mostly spot on! I think through most of the year, at least OSS knows the money troubles are BM's own doing. At Christmas, though, with the prospect of no gifts and BM crying about it, he is having a harder time with it. YSS is aloof as is, and he'll likely back BM because she is CP.
There is now this MASSIVE socioeconomic divide in the boys' lives. DH and I together make 6-figures and live in a lower cost of living area. We have made financial choices that allow us to live very comfortably, and in return, the boys live comfortably when they are with us.
With BM, they're on SNAP and live in a crappy apartment and hear all the time about how BM can't pay for things. BM had a decent-paying job that, combined with CS, her income was higher than mine. DH didnt mind picking up the slack on the larger items, like coats or dress shoes, because she took care of things like socks.
DH feels extremely guilty that we have so much while his kids have so little. Well DH, then convince BM to give up custody. Until she does that, they are stuck because no judge would switch custody just because DH makes more. It'll just result in DH paying more in CS, and having a backwoods judge wanting to use MY income as a justification for the increase.
I'm frustrated with my DH right now because he's giving in after going so long not. He was angry earlier this year when she kept quitting or getting let go. But now she turns on the tears and he sees his kids and can't bring himself to not bleed dry. It all comes from a place of not wanting his kids to live in poverty (and he has always worked to try and make that not happen) and being forced to see them live in poverty no matter what he does.
I can't fix that. He can't fix that. BM can. A court system that doesn't view fathers as ATMs can. But individually, we cannot. The reality is that they are growing up in poverty in spite of what he and I do. It's not a failing on his part (well, not currently), but it is a reality that he needs to live with.
I do feel like if he just accepted that life for them with be difficult and paying BM won't make it better that he'd go back to focusing on the kids and telling them all he does and hope for the best. You're right, either way he approaches it, if they are loyal to BM, they will be loyal no matter what he does. If he can't change things for them, then at least he doesn't have to bleed us dry trying.
Right, you have to pick the
Right, you have to pick the approach you can live with. But the trouble is, you and DH would take the opposite approach. And you can be sure that BM points out regularly how much money/stuff/house you guys have, vs. what she has, to make them feel sorry for her.
Probably, the best approach is in the middle somewhere - buy them cheap hats and gloves because you don't want them to be cold (and that stuff goes back and forth anyway), and give them socks to wear back to BM's (one pair) but keep more at your house to replace them with ... AND explain to the kids that Child Support means BM buys stuff for her house with help from DH, and DH buys stuff at his house for them, on his own. So no, DH won't be sending a pack of socks to BM's, but they sure can wear the ones they have over there.
My SS used to say that he just felt sorry for BM, and he wasn't sure why. A mom who plays the victim all the time binds her kids up with pity and anger both. It's a tough thing to combat.
i.i think your last paragragh
i.i think your last paragragh explains it well. I think the SSs, especially OSS, pity her. He loves his mom and wants what is best for her, but he is old enough (and was old enough) to see how her shenanigans impact them negatively.
I won't lie. I have trouble not buying them nice hats and gloves. I'd have trouble not letting them take a pack of socks. If it's bought, they should just have it. For me, the solution is just don't buy it. I can't feel goos rationing things like socks (though I know some people can, and there is nothing wrong with it). I hate seeing them with less, but I also know that not helping BM will either cause her to step up or fall flat on her face. Either way, the boys win by either getting her to try or getting her to lose custody to DH. Helping her hobble along only hurts them.
But you're right that DH and I approach this differently. It's funny because he will say he won't give her money for rent (and to his credit, he won't), but he'll buy the boys enough extra stuff that she has the free cash for rent. She KNOWS that tactic works and executes it perfectly.
So, we are one fireside chat away from me deciding to divest my money from his and disengaging entirely or him wising up. I'm hopeful for the latter.
BM is taking advantage of the
BM is taking advantage of the fact that your DH won't say anything to the kids (or, it seems, to her). I don't recall how old your skids are, but maybe it's time for your DH to combat what the BM tells them with some truths of his own. I hate the insidious things these BMs do that over time erode the relationships between dad and the kids.
Honestly, I don't think she
Honestly, I don't think she has eroded the relationship between the kids and DH. I actually think her stupidity has made them closer to DH because they ALWAYS ask when they are coming back and ALWAYS ask for extra time with him during breaks. BM has started, in the last 2 years, allowing DH weeks during holidays/breaks, and she has complained about their attitude with her.
DH has always tried to tell then the truth regarding CS. He takes them to buy things and they know how much its costs. It's not like DH hides that things are expensive. The only financial thing he really hides is out incomes because neither want BM knowing that.
It's this weird combination of the boys seemingly not being impacted by BM's shenanigans against DH, but DH still feeling guilty that they don't get enough. They LIKE DH. They spend time with DH. They talk to DH. She hasn't poisoned them against DH (though she has tried). I just...don't get it.
The boys are 16 and 12, by the way. Perfect ages to start letting loyalties show, and attitude. Yet neither really show any animosity toward DH. I really do think DH's intentions are pure in that he just doesn't want his kids living in poverty. I don't think he is trying to buy their love because he has the ability to tell them no (it's BM that's the problem).
Some BM's want sympathy from
Some BM's want sympathy from their kids, but don't necessarily want to alienate the father, especially if he provides for them. My sister had an SD in this kind of situation. The mom played victim, but was in no way going to cut out my sister's husband, who is quite wealthy and helped both his daughter and his ex with this money. She knew which side her bread was buttered on. And my sister has a great relationship with her now 30-something SD.
So in some ways, your DH's approach, while annoying, might have protected his relationship with his kids.
You are probably right. My
You are probably right. My MIL is, what I would consider, BM but 30 years older. Her constant want for sympathy and attention, and her inability to manage her own money, has left him wanting no relationship with her. I could see a similar thing happening with the kids, at least OSS.
There has to be a middle ground, though, between nothing and everything. We can't afford everything long-term. Tog gave some good suggestions, and I do tend to shop sales for them. But it even breaks my heart knowing we COULD buy them the nice thing, but setting that precedent may only make things worse because we couldn't ALWAYS buy that nice thing.
Ugh. Frack BM.
Fortunately, my SS was easy
Fortunately, my SS was easy to please when it came to clothing. He rarely objected to anything I bought him, even if it came from a garage sale. Some kids are pickier about their clothes.
I tend to be frugal about clothes in general, so it didn't bother me. I buy DH nice shirts on clearance for $3, so it wasn't like SS was getting crap while we wore fancy designer stuff bought full price.
It won't hurt your skids, especially at 16, to chip in their own money for nice clothes, if they want them.
Ahh this tale of "woe"
Ahh this tale of "woe" reminds me of the time meth mouth was desperately trying to hold onto any vestiage of hope that her money train via DH and 2ndEx would pay off for all her mouth rotting meth before she had to report for a nondisclosed amount of time in the slammer.
Spawn being raised at meth mouths knobby knee to believe it was everybody elses job the support her asked me point blank one day "I don't understand why YOU don't work!" I looked her straight in her sullen blue greedy eyes and explained to her "I can afford not to work because DH and I are responsible with our money, your mother is a single parent of two children and the ony reason she chooses not to work is because sticking a needle in her arm means more to her than you do!"
Spawns smirky little mouth flew open in abject shock that anybody would ever speak to her in a tone befitting her attitude. She then huffed off to call meth mouth to cry about what a wretched b@tch I was because I refused to get a job solely to suppoert her meth mother!
I don't think its bad to be honest with the skids "Some people just have no clue how to manage money and they think that if they hit everybody else up for funding it will help alleviate their lack of money control. Sorry that is how your mom is, but hey if you guys want to start doing chores to earn money that I can put into an account for you so you can start learning how to be responsible with it, I'm fully on board with that!"
Create those accounts start putting money in them, then when they need "emergency socks, shoes, underwear." you can have them go to the bank get out that money and learn how to pay for stuff themselves, it will teach them about balancing a budget.
BUT!! BUT. !!! BUT !!!
You are missing the BIG picture at 16 and 12. You are coming into the BIG money years. Car, Car insurance, Cell phones. High School trips, Graduation, College. Marriage. If you are worried about $15 socks. What about $10,000 for a car $2000 for insurance, $100,000 for a good college ????
Does BM pay for anything ?
It really time to have s sit down with SO and talk about what you are going to do about big cash things. As the car,and insurance and repair, yo said car. how you are going to handle college ? Room, books, If BM is not buying for socks I doubt she has any money for big ticket things
OOOOH, good point! Start with
OOOOH, good point! Start with the college fund. Sit everyone down and explain the need. Then tell BM that you will match every dollar she puts into it
Make it so the kids understand that they have two parents who BOTH have to think of their future.
IF your BM is on SNAP---I bet
IF your BM is on SNAP---I bet ya, her apartment is also at a reduced monthly fee. You can call the place she is living and give them a sob 'single mom, on food stamps' story and ask how much rent is AND if they give discounts based on work income. LOL you might be surprised about allll the info you can find when you go out on a limb to find out. Based on true story
At first glance I might over look giving 1k a month in cs AND paying for a coat, hat or socks in a pinch. BUT since your dh keeps bankrolling for bm, your dh has now walked into an agreement with BM that he will pay for most if not all things. Its an unspoken/unwritten arrangement 'they' have. So what your doing is working outside the home to help support your home AND supplement DH giving 1k cs and all the extra to bm.
GoodLuck
What is UP with these lazy,
What is UP with these lazy, entitled BMs?
Our BM was like this when the skids were little...always playing the poor little victim, always asking for more, more, more. It got sickening.
DH gave her the house (which she proceeded to lose) in the divorce and took the debt. She was making 60K+ as a 15-year teacher with an M.A. and getting 12K a year tax-free in CS. We paid for skid phones...and DH's parents did A LOT. Got the skids new wardrobes every fall and spring, did cars and a year of insurance...what was she paying for exactly?
Still...she acted like a poor single mom without a penny to her name. So weird.
One Christmas, we were helping YSD set something up over at her mom's...first time I'd ever been over there. I swear I wasn't snooping or anything...but there in the hallway was a cork bulletin board and pinned to it was a check from her church for $500 with a note: "Just a little something to help you take care of your kids during the holidays..."
DH was LIVID. Oh yes...the 'poor single mom' who has everything paid for. Gag me.