Ds was arrested
Im just going to pour my heart out here since I can't talk about this at home or with my friends. While ds was in treatment he sent an email to sd apologizing for what he did and he explained to her he thought she wanted him to go into her room by what her and her friends had talked about. They told him how hot they thought it would be to wake up to a guy kissing them and other bullsh!t. They totally set him up!! Sd gave the email to dh and his parents and then dh pressed charges. Ds was arrested at school in front of everyone. He can't go back there now and it is the only private school I could afford. I've looked into other schools but with him being arrested for sexual assualt most schools have turned us down and none offered scholarships. Right now he is homeschooling and he has regressed. He barely speaks. His therapist has medicated him and he sees her 2xs a week right now. Ex filed for divorce and he wants part of the equity from my house and part of my retirement. I can't afford to buy him out without selling. I'm a finanical mess right now and im trying to pay for a lawyer for ds and one to fight dh plus therapy bills and hospital bills. It's bad. I'm so angry right now. I'm angry at dh for not standing by me. I'm angry at sd for pulling this crap!!! I'm mad at ds for falling for what sd and her friends said and im mad at me for allowing a man to mess up my sons life like this. I should have stayed single and raised ds in my own!! I have no one I can turn to. I turned to my cousin who I believed would have my back but she told all the relatives who have dds about ds and sd. We were uninvited to Thanksgiving because it was out of town and no one wanted ds to sleep under the same roof as their dds. It made them uncomfortable. I'm so defeated right now. Any words of encouragement are appricated.
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I am so sorry your world has
I am so sorry your world has turned upside down. All you can do is take it one day at a time and take the steps to slowly make things right again.
And do yourself and your son a big favor and don’t be in denial that this is SDs fault. Your son did what he did, and you need to come to terms with that. He did it and it was wrong. This thing you can do for him to change is to admit it and have him admit it and face the truth of it.
How long were you married for that your husband think he qualifies for your house and retirement?
I am sorry you are hurting.
I am sorry you are hurting. It must be awful
Honestly private school is the least of your and your sons concerns right now. How were you affording it before? And why must he attend private school?
I don’t blame family members not wanting DS sleeping in their houses. I hope he can get proper treatment for whatever us that caused him to do what he did.
This too shall pass... In the
This too shall pass...
In the meantime:
Your son needs to own what he did 100%. He needs to learn everything he can about consent laws. Educate this child so that he can protect himself in the future. He's young and he'll be dealing with crazy women on some level for the rest of his life.
Own that perhaps as a parent you may have skipped over a few things ds should know about girls and were a bit too trusting of the relationship between hormonal step siblings.
I take it he's a minor, look into getting his record expunged when he is of age.
Most states have online public school for free. There are charter high schools designed specifically for troubled kids, maybe there's one in your area.
I have sons and constantly talk to them about condoms, consent, age of consent, jail bait, entrapment by cops online posing as young girls...and on and on. It's trickier for men to navigate the dating scene and they have to be careful not to take advantage of a situation or the consequences could be hefty.
SD may have led him on purposefully to try to get him in trouble, if that's the case then it worked. I'm so jaded by people that I wouldn't put it past your ex to have set this all up as an out of the relationship and to get the spoils of divorce. Since things got messy he'll feel justified in getting whatever he wants and the courts may have sympathy on him. You're going to need a very good lawyer.
Your son needs to be extremely aware of these kinds of situations and just how coniving women can be. I would wince when dd22 was a teen and she and her friends would talk about how they would *torture* their boyfriends, they were mean, manipulative and played mind games all the time.
Best to you and your son.
Are you seriously suggesting
Are you seriously suggesting that a man set up his daughter getting sexually molested so he can get a divorce?
And I thought I’ve read everything possible on this site. Wow
So it’s the girls fault in
So it’s the girls fault in your book?
Haaaa...yes...the classic..she was asking for it.
If OP's story is accurate,
If OP's story is accurate, then yes, the SD was literally asking for it. I feel terrible for DS that he's facing more agony in his life but he also should have erred on the side of caution and not gone in to molest his own stepsister, no matter how much she was setting him up. Two dumb kids and two parents who weren't.. forward thinking enough? I don't know.
You got to be kidding me. I
You got to be kidding me. I could think of so many things that the SD in my life could say to my son, and still my son would not touch her with a 10 foot pole. Give me a freaking break.
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"If OP's story is accurate,
"If OP's story is accurate, then yes, the SD was literally asking for it."
She wasn't asking for anything. She was talking with a girlfriend about stuff she would enjoy. That was not an invitation to be at tacked by her stepbrother.
There's lots of people who
There's lots of people who discuss their sexual fantasies with a potential partner. Men are just screwed on this, it seems. A woman tells him her fantasy and he doesnt act on it. He's inconsiderate and selfish. If he does act on an explicit sexual want and she was just kidding, he's a rapist.
This girl was just dang stupid for leading on a sexually damaged man who literally can watch her sleep. Either she is astronomically dense or she knew exactly what she was doing. I agree men shouldn't take advantage of women. Women should also not take advantage of men. We should all be respectful and kind. That's not the way it is, though. I also blame the parents for putting a socially inexperienced, sexually abused boy in with a bunch of mean teenage girls. No one saw that train wreck?
I feel just awful for DS and SD. Honestly, these are big people games and no child should have to play them. My heart aches for the pain of their healing and recovery and I truly hope they come out on the other side of this as stronger and wiser people.
Is it really that far fetched
Is it really that far fetched for SD to try to entrap her step brother and for her father to either have looked the other way or ok'd the situation. How many stories do we read on here about PAS where one parent will coach a child to lie about the other parent for custody reasons and to get what they want in a divorce situation. I was investigated twice by CPS while going through divorce proceedings w/exH. He wanted full custody (aka let his mother raise the kids) so he wouldn't have to pay child support. Both times were unfounded but the accusations were so eggregious that they had to investigate.
As stated in my post ds was wrong and needs to own his actions and learn. He and his mother need to be vigiliant about the types of situations ds is allowed to be in so as not to invite an accusation of any kind.
Why in the world would your
Why in the world would your husband stand by you??? Your son assaulted his daughter.
He has an obligation to protect his child from him and help her heal from what your son did.
You are not doing that boy any favors. First you denied he did anything, now you are blaming his victim. SICK
He did this. Just because I
He did this. Just because I tell your son how easy it is to rob a bank does that give him the OK to go ahead and do it? He either has some mental issues where he has not developed the ability to determine what is right or wrong or he is using other people to be the bad guy and talk him into it.
These girls were talking to a sole male about waking up to someone kissing them and how hot that would be. Well of course that means 'Do it to me!". Just like a girl wears a shorter skirt means she is asking for it. Why was your son alone with a group of girls that you already knew were trouble?
Your son his doing drugs and making other people out to be the reason for his actions. This is his own fault. The last thing he needs is private school. Consider sending him to Boys Town. They work with kids like yours all the time and get them on the right road again to lead successful productive lives. Yes, he will be away from you for a few years. But maybe this is what he needs, His mother to stop protecting him from consequences.
I believe this was the kid
I believe this was the kid who was molested by his father and then watched him kill himself. The SD was invited to move out of her mother's home and they made this damaged kid her responsibility to socialize. I'm wondering how terrible that DS's therapist is that appropriate sexual behavior wasn't discussed at length. The issues of clear communication and absolute consent should have been a central point in helping this child heal.
I have much sympathy for the
I have much sympathy for the hurt and difficulty you and your son are going through. It must be a complete nightmare.
Your son "confessed" to molesting your SD. In this instance you need to accept that your son was in the wrong - and deal with it - not blame shift to your DH and SD. This is not protecting or helping your son, this is evading the truth. Whether SD "was asking for it" or "set up" your son is irrelevant. THAT is victim blaming. Your son still had the choice to NOT do this.
From earlier posts you indicated that your son was molested and that he is now 14. As there is a chance that molested children will act out in the same way, and as a 14 year old, you should have talked to your son about sex and sexuality at length; and have this topic discussed with boundaries set in his therapy. This is something that would be paramount in dealing with a child that has been molested. A 14 year old boy should know that touching anyone inappropriately is wrong - and will land him in a world of trouble. It is even more important that this be stressed with a molested child.
Part of healing means facing the consequences of what you have done, what you are responsible for in an honest manner. Do not slip into denial. Your DH filing for divorce is him protecting himself and his daughter. He is doing what is right for him and his daughter. You need to do what is right for you and your son: and right now that means dealing with what ever charges are filed against him. Your best options are to get a good lawyer and get therapy for your son and yourself. You may want to consider a different therapist if you are still with the initial therapist that led to the failings in discussing sexual abuse or sexual molestation of your son in his initial therapy - and possible consequences in future.
Again, I am sorry you are going through this horrible circumstances. Makes sure YOU have adequate support to deal with this - support that helps you honestly face what has happened here.
I believe both kids were
I believe both kids were victims here.
Very sorry OP. I am trying to
Very sorry OP. I am trying to remember your original story. Are you the one with the SD that moved in and was allergic to your sons dog? If that is you, I think I remember way back when telling you not to move an opposite sex, unrelated minor into the same home as your son. I urged you to protect your son. Very sorry, but I saw this coming when you first posted your story. Quit being innocent. Your DH is playing dirty. Start consults with all the best lawyers in your area so he can't use them. He wants to go after your assets, go after his. Don't take his crap. Fight for your son now.
As far as your SD setting your son up.....come on. Your son needs to take responsibility for his actions. I can't for the life of me understand why people would think moving opposite sex, unrelated children, especially one with a history of abuse in together would be a good idea. As far as your family, I wouldn't want my daughters around your son either. They have to protect their children also. You failed at protecting your son, accept that other people want to protect their children. Would you allow your son around known sex offenders???? Why do you expect everyone to give your sex offender a special pass? You need to attend counseling also to accept your son's actions and help him move past it.
oh Libbie - sending you hugs
oh Libbie - sending you hugs and strength... this must be hell currently but think positively forward.
get a lawyer to help with the divorce, if the house are in both your names, Hon sell it, give ExDH his half and be done with this man,
If the house is only in your name fight for what's yours, same as with your pension, if he wants half of your pension you want half of his pension, if he does not have any pension then he can't get yours, fight for what's your Hon
DS is getting help and therapy and yes with this he will understand that what he did is wrong and he will see it, you can not fight for your son while the divorce is over your head, sort out the divorce first, take it step by step Libbie - you are overwhelmed currently,,,,
Take a step back, sit and calm down, then you start again, step by step forward, you will not be able to save your marriage, thus go with ending it,
you are not able to take back what DS did, deal with it and help him to deal with it... You are getting a second change in life, use it, do not get stuck sitting in the depression corner, get out of that, you are strong and through out the years, your blogs showed how hard you tried to keep BS and DH happy, you compromised every time, even got rid of bear for a while, you and BS never counted in your marriage, it was what DH and SD wanted all along... now you see it, deal with it and put it behind you.
Both you and DS will get through this and be stronger people at the end, do not give up on life or people, but baby steps Hon, baby steps..
first deal with the divorce and this man trying to bankrupt you, then with DS..