I feel terrible!!!
Okay, so I said something to my DH that I now feel bad about. I mean, it was the way I feel, but I should have censored it a little bit. A little background, though most of you already know, I am pregnant with twins, have one dauhter 8, one SD 11, and one SS 12. I am currently in a small, 2 bdrm. condo, and am having significant difficulty selling or renting out my condo to move into a bigger place before the twins come. This has put DH and I under a great deal of stress. When his kids come over, it is very crowded and loud here. But it has been doable, until lately thinking about the prospect of squeezing two more kids in here. So, that said, during this stressful time, my DH just started a new job, which is good, he does drive quite a distance to get there, but if he does not work late, gets out at 3:30 pm. So, I'm thinking, excellent, he will be able to either A. make more money with easier overtime, or B. help with the twins more because he will get home earlier. With all of this going on, my DH springs on me that he wants to start taking his kids more during the week now that he has this new job. Whoa! Bad timing. We are already cramped, we have two more on the way, I'm hormonal, bad combination! I freaked. His job is 2 and half hours away from where the kids live, AND, at this point, it is looking like we just might have to stay in this condo after the twins come. He says to me that he feels like he is not seeing them enough. And here I go, I say, "You see them plenty!" I know he doesn't, I know he misses them. I feel bad, and I go on from there. I say, "I already have too many kids here, too much of the time! If you want to go get them and take them somewhere, fine, but leave me out of it!" Still not done, I then said "So, is this how it's going to be once the twins are here? You are either going to be working late, or off with your other kids, leaving me to take care of the other three?" Now, here is my dilemma, I regret being so cold about it, BUT, I don't want to apologize to the point of making DH think I didn't mean any of it. Because, I actually did! What to do?
- lcooper's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Well, when the kids are
Well, when the kids are here, who watches them? I just got of the phone with my BF, who is deployed now, and we got into it over the situation of who takes care of the kids, who cooks and cleans, and what he expects of me. Or, should I say, how much more he expects from me. If you are the one doing all the cooking and cleaning, then disengage. let him handle it all. Go for a drive, walk around the park. You don't need the stress, especially when you have to deal with keeping calm and happy for your babies, who you have to try to carry to full-term. If you do everything, of course he is going to want them more. He doesn't have to deal with anything but playing with them or talking to them. Let him handle the laundry and cooking and cleaning. Then we'll see how he handles all that and then two more.
Let it rest, then return to it calmly.
I can feel your pain! When I was pregnant for BD4, we were living in base housing. With us, one child and another one on the way, we rated a 3BR house. Well, gee, that's great. Only problem is the THREE additional kids... my skids who came for visitation. I totally know how you are feeling, because it absolutely positively SUCKED ASS trying to fit five kids into two bedrooms, especially with one of them a newborn. I don't know how you are going to fit five kids, two of them newborns into one bedroom. Gee, DH, DO THE MATH!
I'm sure you said what needed to be said and if the WAY you said it wasn't 100% politically correct, you have plenty of reason... you're pregnant with twins, under a lot of stress, facing the mathematically impossible scenario of putting three kids and two newborn twins into one bedroom and the worst of it is that your DH doesn't see that as being a problem. I've been married to Captain Oblivious for almost six years. I know the signs.
Don't feel terrible. No one that pregnant, especially with twins, is required to be politically correct. And if anyone is guilty of anything, your DH should feel awful about not taking you into consideration when HE maid HIS brainfart comment.
Don't feel terrible... you're not a terrible person. You're just probably at your wit's end. And DH is not a terrible person, either. He's just a man and, therefore, and we all know that most men are born with a larger "oblivious bone" than women. Let things cool off, then approach him again about it. Apologize for how it came out, but stand your ground and make sure he sees that YOU are going to need some serious time and space.
~ Anne ~
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!
Stress!!!
First of all, you're pregnant, you're allowed to freak out. Second, that IS a lot of change coming about, not only dealing with 2 newborns, hormones, but then add 2 more kids in such a tiny place. Change is stressfull enough, & it seems that his decision is just doubling it. I agree with Anne, take it slow & approach it calmly. Maybe apologize for the way you said things but that you meant what you said... it's just too much all at once, & you don't think you'll be able to handle it. Do you think the 2 of you could agree to a timeline to let the SK's come over more... like wait 6 months after the twins are born or something?
Just a suggestion. Congratulations, BTW!
Hipi
He thinks I hate his kids....
Thanks for the support ladies, I REALLY appreciate it! I was beginning to think that I am just a horrible person, because I can't seem to get excited whenever the skids come over. I dread it every time, I PRETEND I am happy to see them, but sadly, I am counting down the minutes until they go back to their mom's. And yes, this has increased sifnificantly since I have been pregnant, and seems to increase as well any time we are dealing with showing the condo to someone or having an open house, etc.... Problem is, I did talk to my DH about this last night, and tried to get him to understand that it is just all too much for me right now. It is not HIS kids so much, as the sheer number of kids, the prospect of all of them being here in this tiny place at once, the noise level, which drives me crazy lately, etc.... He is not trying to get me to agree to having them more at this point, he says he meant he wanted to take them one night during the week and bring them out to get something to eat, which is fine with me. Problem I have now is last night he says to me, "How am I supposed to feel? My wife despises my kids!" That is not true, and not the point, but he seems to think that if I cared for them, I would be happy to see them when they come. Help! What do I do now?
It took a long time
for my fiance to understand that, while I want to, I can't love his kids as much as he does. He is starting to understand that I love them as much as I can RIGHT NOW, and if more feeling comes that will be great. I think it is hard for any parent to hear negative things about their kids. Just keep being as tactful as possible.
good luck
I would be totally miserable
I would be totally miserable 5 kds in 2B. He needs to take his blinders off and face his reality. Where is the 8yo going to sleep at night with those 2 babies up and down all night? He doesn't have a clue what its going to take to take care of twins.
You're supposed to
feel guilty about not getting excited when the skids come over???? Oh, sweetie, just listen to yourself. And you're pregnant? I would say to save the guilt for when you've done something wrong, like strangle your husband. (just joshing) I think you are absolutely normal. Step back & take a look.
As someone who just had a baby
4 months ago, one baby not two, he is going to be busy helping you & this extra visitation needs to take a back seat. My DH went through this whole thing about not wanting the boys to feel second fiddle & we have had many the argument since the baby arrived & the sleep deprivation set in. I had both boys home with me for 6 weeks & although they are excellent boys I thought I would loose my mind.
You are going to need a lot of help when the babies get there & he needs to use this time to help you. The kids are resiliant and will get over it. His first committement is to you & those babies for now. He can do all this w/o making the step kids feel unloved and important. Mine love being big brothers, just this weekend they had their baby brother in their room & were showing their toys, games & how to do things. It will all fall into place as long as your husband supports you & those babies.
Thanks to all...
For the support. I really do need it right now, and I will try to explain to my DH that I just can't make his kids the priority right now. All I can do is make it through this difficult time. Any improvements in the relationship I have with his kids will just have to wait. I hope he sees it that way, but I'm not so sure.
Thanks again all!
All kids are PITAs!
Show me one parent who says that their biological children have never once gotten on their nerves and I'll show you a LIAR. Remind your DH of this. Even when they are your own, flesh and blood children, they can get on your nerves. Even when you've given birth to them, you need a little time and space away from them every so often. When you're pregnant and are under a lot of stress, of course it magnifies things. Let him know that it's not "his kids," it's nothing personal, it's just the situation. And tell him not to get so defensive, because I'm sure even HE can appreciate that his children are not on this earth simply for others to behold and enjoy. (Gag.) Sometimes children are pains in the ass. Mine certainly are, my kids as well as my skids. (They probably all get it from me, I'm a huge pain in the ass myself.) I'm sure your DH's children are no different. Look up "kid" in the dictionary and, I promise you, it will say somewhere in there "can be a royal pain in the ass from time to time."
~ Anne ~
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!