Thinking about the future and hoping history doesn't repeat itself...

Another's post today got me thinking about our dear old BM. She is 23 (barely) and has already had four kids by four different men. The first two kids she had before she was even 18. She is now rumored to be pregnant, yet again, with baby number 5 and baby daddy number 5....all the while her HUSBAND is deployed in Korea. Yes, that is right. She is married.

From what I gather, she had no rules or consequences growing up, so I can't entirely blame her for her current life path. It's as much her own parent's fault as it is hers. Her dad is an alcoholic drug user. Her mom abandoned her three kids when BM was 15 to move to Florida. The oldest was 18 at the time and was responsible for taking care of BM and their younger brother who was 13 at the time.

What I blame BM for is for not changing her own life so that history doesn't repeat itself. I've joked with my husband telling him that he'll be a grandpa before he's 40 (SD is currently 5). But in all honesty, it's not a joke. I really am truly afraid SD will be a teen mom and the cycle will continue.

I feel like we are powerless to stop this as well! SD and BM live 1200 miles away from us. Any influence we have on SD is fairly minimal, in all reality. I really don't know what we could do to "fix" the situation. BM doesn't work and relies on public assistance to live. She shacks up with all kinds of random men and then wonders why her own daughter is "boy crazy" already and acts like a 16 year old. BM doesn't hang out with people her own age...she prefers to hang out and be friends with high schoolers...that is where her maturity level is at. She thinks that just because she drives a mini-van, it makes her some kind of awesome parent. I'm sorry, BM, but if you could reliably use birth control, you wouldn't need a mini-van.

She is ruining the future for her child(ren). I can see it. Everyone can see it. And we are powerless to stop it.

It is very frustrating and sad....

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that's a lot of kids....and

that's a lot of kids....and men....I can't imagine having that many kids at that age.

" I've joked with my husband

" I've joked with my husband telling him that he'll be a grandpa before he's 40 (SD is currently 5)"

My stepfather was a grandfather by 34 and a great grandfather by 51!

The cycle can be broken though. I've seen plenty of really great kids come out of some pretty dysfunctional homes. There's always hope.

holy moly!

WOW!!! Thats about all I can

WOW!!! Thats about all I can say.

BM already has an open case

BM already has an open case with CPS due to neglect. She's been called on several times since because she locks her 3 year old in his room from the outside.

We are supposed to get SD in the summer. We don't have money for a lawyer to get an actual visitation agreement from the courts and we usually work it out amicably. The CPS agencies answer to this is to not allow SD to come stay with us while the investigation is open. They claim they can't guarantee her safety while she's here. It's totally bogus and makes us feel even more powerless.

Thank you for your input though.

while it would be difficult

while it would be difficult given the distance, you don't actually need a lawyer to get a visitation schedule- especially if it's a schedule mom would be in agreement with.

REALLY??!! Could you please

REALLY??!! Could you please explain how this is done? I believe we'd have to file through the state she lives in, I think?

I assume dad has been legally

I assume dad has been legally determined to be the father (if he has a cs order- yes)?

Most states have forms that you can fill out, many of them even on line. So you could print them out and fill them out (some are even fill in PDF's so you can fill them in on the computer and then print them). If mom is in agreement with proposed visitation schedule then you would file a "joint petition" or a "stipulated agreement" or your state's (mom's actually) equivalent. Then you file it and pay the fee. For many stipulated agreements there often isn't even a court date, or sometimes you show up and the judge says "dad did you agree to this?" "mom did you agree to this?" both say yes and it's a done deal.

I don't know what your state's fees are- but I have never seen the fee be over $200.

The courthouse (mom's- because that's where the child lives- or where any previous orders were issued from) may have a self help center where you can get the forms and someone can explain what form you need and the process to follow.

Thank you! That is very

Thank you! That is very helpful! We will be out to see SD in a few weeks so we will look at picking up the paperwork then. How awesome would this be if it worked out in our favor.

No prob....if you print them

No prob....if you print them and get them done before you go, it may be as simple as having mom sign and then file them while you're there- then it's almost totally done.

would mom be in agreement with a schedule? she was going to send kiddo out for the summer anyway so I'm assuming she woulnd't mind.

I think she would agree. She

I think she would agree. She likes to make a stink about "well, I don't know if SD would be comfortable with that" and all this other crap, but when it comes down to it she just wants to get rid of the kid for a while and continue to collect her child support.