This seems to be a big topic lately, so let me give my opinion. Yes it works. I know it does because I'm still married. i found Step Talk 2 years ago, when I started noticing my life was unraveling. I lurked and read other people's advice and stories for awhile, and then jumped on. But i wasn't convinced about this whole concept of "disengagement."

But then one day, I was at my wit's end. In September 2009, loghead got pissed about something i had done with one of the SS, and just told me I needed to fix myself, or someone would have to leave. And things went on for months. I just felt dead inside. Like a stranger in my own home. A maid. A servant. I did "wifely duties" but my heart wasn't in it. I saw a therapist every two weeks; got happy pills. And as hard as I worked, things got worse

Then there was a blow up with Loca Grande, the skids BM. Right before Christmas, she called and left me a message that she didn't want to be a mom any more and she was going to Florida for Christmas, so we could keep the skids. Nice. And she will be celebrated on Mother's Day tomorrow... I liked her and we got on pretty well, but in the months leading up to me deciding to disengage, she had done some pretty horrible things to me and the skids, and it was really affecting my marriage.

I was done with her and about done with her kids too. I disengaged from the BM and told DH I had taken care of too much for too long, and it was up to him to deal with it.

So i turned her back over to Loghead first. The skids were 14, 15 and 17 at the time, and sadly, he had just lost his job 2 weeks before I decided it was time to disengage, so he seemed overwhelmed. he had to take care of all that Christmas planning, on his own. He had some pretty heated discussions with BM, but learned he could deal with her husband. Skids weren't really into going to her house much any more anyway, because of sports and friends. After awhile, he did basically turn it over to the skids to make arrangements to visit her, and where she would drop off and pick up. Most exchanges now take place at school rather than our house.

So even though I continued to be friendly with her, I didn't have to deal with her if I didn't want to. We did all get together for a giant graduation party last spring for Princess at our house.

And the skids...

On new Year's Eve 2009, Princess ran away. When she came home the next day, she, loghead, and I had a knock down drag out arguement and I left. I said it seemed like I was making everyone miserable, so I would leave. I loaded a few things in the car, and drove off. i didn't get far. just to the end of our road, and pulled over and sat there listening to music and crying. Within an hour, Loghead pulled his car up behind me, and got out in the pouring rain and got in my car. We sat and talked for hours. Princess drove past in her car. he'd sent her to grandma's...

i told him I wasn't doing it any more. I was dying inside and no one appreciated me or the things I did for them. I told him since he always makes me feel like they are his kids and not mine too, that he could deal with it all, and see how hard and stressful it really was. (FYI- we have primary custody, and I had raised kids since they were 3, 4 and 6.)

It's given me freedom to do what I want. I don't have to rush home on Friday after work to get the skids ready. My BS and I can arrange play dates for the weekends, and not worry about the skids, or if the house will be destroyed when we get home. If it is, I have a laundry basket I keep in the corner of the kitchen. if I don't feel like cleaning a mess they made, I just toss everything in that basket, and leave it for them later.

Sure my house was a mess for about a month, while everyone figured out something was going on. It's not like I announced to anyone 'i'm disengaging from this crap." I just did it. At the end of the month, only BS and I had clean clothes, and we always managed to have clean dishes and glasses. DH had resorted to paper plates and old McDs cups. And then he got the skids to help him clean. And then weeks passed... About 4 months into it, one day I came home, and the house was a mess, but I knew DH was working hard and had taken his sons with him to work manual labor on a temp job, and SD was staying at grandma's to help after her knee surgery, so I cleaned. And it felt good to do that for my FAMILY, because it helped them.

And that's our number one house rule, "In a FAMILY, you help each other without being asked."

And now we all truly know what that means... In fact, I hear SS 16 in the kitchen now, getting to go to work, and I hear him washing up the skillet where he made breakfast for himself and my BS...

Yes it works