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Should I introduce him to ST?

Kamore's picture

BM's BF has been complaining to US a lot lately about all he does for SS and how nobody thanks him foe all he does, blah blah blah. He says we need to help more with SS's care while he and BM work. Now we live about 45 minutes away in good traffic. He's expecting us to come get SS watch him while they work then bring SS back. I asked him what was he smoking and he got offended. He hasn't texted me since, lol


I told DH he should remind him that BM gets child support for SS to be able to provide care. And that it would be impossible for us to come get SS like that. Also that even if we did pay for summer camp, we wouldn't be able to come take him.

I think BF has reached him limit but that's not my problem. He has a BM problem, and he should deal with that instead of trying to shift blame to us. 


should I introduce him to ST? Stepfathers (and I use that term very loosely with him) need help too right?? Beee


MissK03's picture

I would not while you are actively posting. If he reads your blogs and comments it will more then likely come back to get you. 


Kamore's picture

Oh I'm wasn't really going to! It was meant more sarcastically! 

I just thought it was odd that he doesn't even realize that his girlfriend is the problem not us. 

CastleJJ's picture

You are 100% right. BM gets CS to provide care for SS during her parenting time. It is not your responsibility to provide that care, nor is it your responsibility to pay for that care outside of CS.

You can tell BF that if BM and BF expect you to get SS every day because they can't handle their parenting responsibilities, DH can take full custody and then BM can pay DH CS. That will shut them up! 

BF definitely has a GF problem. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your second paragraph is solid gold and exactly the right approach.

I am always perplexed by CPs who fight so hard to be CP but then complaina when they have to do the CP things. They got what they wanted, AND they get cash to make it happen. I'm certainly not saying it's easy, but if they don't want to do it, then give up being CP.

CastleJJ's picture

Our HCBM has fought tooth and nail to limit my DH's visitation. DH gets 6 weeks on a long distance schedule and pays maximum CS. Before long distance, BM denied overnights for every reason under the sun.... why? CS is based on overnights. After a year in court and $30k in legal fees, we are no longer fighting for more visitation. BM tried everything to limit visitation including lying, falsifying records/documentation, false allegations, and perjury and the judge ate up every word. 

BM still emails DH about how hard it is to be full CP and that DH has no idea what BM goes through. BM also emails DH after we have a long visitation, "thanking" DH for taking SS to "share in the parenting responsibilities". The irony is that BM has SS rarely. When she lived locally to us, SS would be at BM's parents 6 days a week from morning until bed time. BM saw him on Sundays and first thing in the morning before dropping him off at BM's parents. But BM wouldnt let DH take him because $$$. Now that BM lives long distance, she relies on school, daycare, her GF, and neighbors/friends to do the parenting. SS has told us that he is only home for bedtime and spends all day and weekends out of the house with everyone but BM. BM doesn't know the meaning of being an involved, full-time parent. 

We would happily take SS full-time and want to take on those responsibilities, yet BM won't give up control and CS. It's amazing how these HCBMs want to have their cake and eat it too. 

Kamore's picture

that really sucks for your SS! I've read some of your blogs and the "teddy bear" thing tees me off! Just let the child be happy. Loving the other parent doesn't mean not loving you, ya know? The only person who suffers in this foolishness is the child. 

Im 100% sure BM does care for SS. Love him, probably but this is about a check. BM didn't want custody of SS until we got married. Cries about how DH wasn't helping her, and then immediately got a new car as soon as child support started. 

she doesn't want SS there but she DOES want the money she gets from him being there. I don't understand it. 

thinkthrice's picture

Are nothing more than meal tickets.   They allow the HCGUBM to live in the lifestyle she is accustomed to when married.  So much for so-called equal rights.

thinkthrice's picture

That it will never be overhauled.  There are too many professions and organizations that depend on the money rolling in  including, of all ironies, the National Organization of Women.

Kamore's picture

Right??? Like you mean to tell me I'm actually supposed to take care of the child I have custody of? yes, that's the whole point!!!


I understand it being hard, I have to take care of 90% of DD's expenses because DH can't afford to. It's hard, but I do what I have to do to make sure she's straight. Even if he never provides fo her, I, as her mother, will make sure she's taken care of. Point blank, period. 

Kamore's picture

Exactly!!Even if we wanted to provide extra, we can't afford too! They seem to think that our household isn't important as long as theirs is taken care of. 

The funny thing is we offer at least once or twice a year to get SS without her having to pay Child Support (but also DH no longer paying it to her). She just really likes that check I guess. 

CastleJJ's picture

BM's household is always more important that DH/yours. You are not obligated to pay another dime to BM outside of what is court ordered. We used to pay half of things for SS (sports, school supplies, clothes, etc.) because we thought we were obligated to. Our attorney told us to knock that off because BM was using sports and things to prevent visitation. Our attorney said: "why should you pay for something that BM is using against you?" We stopped paying extra and BM flipped out. But, BM was using CS to offset her income/expenses, allowing her to buy a brand new luxury car, pay off significant amounts of student loan debt, buy a huge house, etc. BM was using CS to get ahead, not for what it was intended for. 

Our attorney gave us excellent advice. He reminded us that we still have to provide for SS when he is here. We pay more for a 2 bedroom apartment, even though SS is never here, because it is required for visitation. We pay for clothes, toys, toiletries, activities, groceries and everything for SS in our home. We don't get CS for that, so don't keep paying more than your share for BM to be comfortable. CS takes a huge chunk out of our household income, but we still try to live within our means and not complain because we know we owe CS to SS for his needs. 

Kamore's picture

I already told DH to let BM know I am NOT buying any school supplies this year. My child starts preschool so those funds will be used for her! 

she tried to say she needed more money because she had another baby and needs another room but that's not DH's problem! We didn't get a discount when I had DD so she shouldn't think (or a logical person wouldn't anyway) that she gets more for not being able to keep her legs closed!


CastleJJ's picture

Wow BM LOL you had another baby with your boyfriend, maybe your BF should be paying you CS to support his kid... Not your ex husband who has no obligation or relation to this child. These women are crazy! 

Kamore's picture

Get this! She took DH to court to pay for new baby, not the child's actual father! Who does that??????

thinkthrice's picture

That's the sound of exposing him to steptalk backfiring on you.

From your blog sounds like he plays both ends against the middle so unless you want to expose the bm to steptalk and your posts, no.

Kamore's picture

Yea I'm not gonna do that. I called myself being sarcastic but I don't think it really came off that way! I have bit more sense that.  well most days I do. 

Harry's picture

BM. - BF. They have to pay you for day care of SS. Including travel time and gas and food. 

Kamore's picture

Thought about it! And charge a ridiculous amount. But the problem is once he's here they would probably disappear. There are times the car is sitting in the yard and they won't open the door. Really crappy stuff!