Trying To Get Over What She Said...
Currently SD14 is banned from our home from several incidents of bullshit she has caused, including sneaking over to our home while banned to go swimming in the pool. Lovely.
Agreed to go to a therapy session with DH & SD14 earlier this week. I'm a fairly positive, upbeat person most of the time. But when it comes to the skids...not so much. I have zero hope that they will ever accept that I'm in their lives, and that's okay. That's on them. But DH continues to hold out hope that one day....one day we will all be that one-big-happy that he fantasizes about. Poor, misguided DH. (sigh)
So, back to therapy session.
Maybe I created a self-fulfilling prophecy by expecting that SD14 would simply show her ass toward me like she always does. That's exactly what happened.
The usual b.s. about how "I can't even have a relationship with my dadddddyyyy because you're up his ass all the tiiiiimmmmeeee." Yeah, right. She doesn't have a relationship with him because her friends, FaceBook, TV, etc. are ALL more important to her than spending time with dadddddyyyy.
At one point I'd had enough of her b.s. and said, "Here's what I know to be true (and I totally stole this first bit from someone on this site): I know that I don't have your dad on a leash...he's a big boy and makes his own decisions. So if you don't have a relationship with him, that's on you."
And then I said, "I also know that I'm a good woman with a good heart and have lots of family, friends, co-workers and other people who love me and are grateful that I'm their lives. In fact, the only people I know who don't feel that way about me are you, your sister and your mother."
Yeah...I shouldn't have engaged with the little bitch, but I was cranky by that point from listening the same whiny shit that we've already heard for 3 years.
So, here's what the little troll said, "Oh yeah? Well, just so you know, there are LOTS of people who don't like you....not just me, my sister & mom."
I told that I didn't really care because I don't live my life trying to make people like me. I'm me, I'm happy with who I am and that if people don't like me that's their choice...doesn't matter to me.
I'm pissed that I went to therapy. I'm pissed that I engaged with her. I'm pissed about what she said to me, because it was obviously meant to hurt me. And I'm pissed that neither DH nor the therapist bothered to jump in and point out to her that saying shit like that wasn't helpful or working toward any solutions. But, hey....what did I expect?
So, I'm trying to get over the entire experience. AND, as an added bonus, it was agreed that DH & I would take the hateful little troll to lunch on Sunday as an "opportunity to see if things could be improved"....ahem.
I'm dreading lunch on Sunday and I know you will all be able to relate. So, I guess I'll plan on doing things that I've read several of you describe how you handle meals with these self-absorbed, entitled brats.
NOT looking forward to it, and know that there's no way out of it.
I'm praying that the hateful little troll will show her ass so that DH will see it clearly. But I don't think that will happen, since even though he does see it....he still thinks there's hope.
Really? You actually think that one day she will magically awake and be a completely different person that who she really is?
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Comments
No she is not going to change
No she is not going to change at all. She will get worse. I cannot stand these entitled, bratty girls who think we stole their dadddyyyy!!
SD was 10 when I came into her life. She was bad back then but so much worse now.
Your DH should have stuck up for you or something should have been said to her when she said that to you. She is being allowed to be disrespectful. I would not want to be around her!!
When DH hears SD being that way towards me, he hands her her ass and then tells her that SM is going NOWHERE and she needs to get over it. He told her years ago that is she does something to make me leave then she is going to live with BM. Now she does it behind his back!
Yes, DH should have stuck up
Yes, DH should have stuck up for me, but he didn't...he might have been about to do so, but I wasn't waiting for anyone to do it. I defended myself. That's probably my own baggage, since my exH was never much of a partner and I got used to doing everything on my own. Guess I need to try to give DH a chance...
I don't think I would be able
I don't think I would be able to go to counseling with DH and SD!! I give you credit for going. Even with my DH, he feels caught in the middle sometimes between his wife and his daughter and I try not to make him feel that way. Its so hard!!
I am just praying that SD will turn 18 and want to live with BM!! 2 1/2 more years!!
"I can't even have a
"I can't even have a relationship with my dadddddyyyy because you're up his ass all the tiiiiimmmmeeee."
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Well done for at least giving this situation your all, you went to therapy to help your DH and your sd, as I am sure you personally could live without the drama and annoyance that your sd brings to your peace of mind!
I completely understand your hurt over the fact that neither the therapist nor your DH did not at least attempt to intervene regarding the above statement. That was a PERFECT opportunity for the therapist to chirp in and ask sd *how* YOU prevent DH from having a relationship with DH, not to chuck you under the bus but to get HER to verbalise her frustrations, anger towards you and to get her to understand accountability i.e. meaning only DH and sd are accountable to ensure they have a relationship and that means making time, behaving nicely...if sd had been unable to illustrate how you do this then she needs to understand there is a reason for that and if she was able to provide examples then DH could have provided his insight e.g. "SM stopped DH from coming to see me on x date..." Your DH "no sd, I had to work late. That was nothing to do with SM." The therapist "sd you need to understand that you are blaming the wrong person as DH is able to illustrate that 99% of your perceived allegations towards SM are misguided. Why do you think you are so angry towards SM? What nice things does SM do for you?"
I appreciate I am sure the therapist wanted to provide sd with an opportunity to air her "grievances" however silence can often translate into agreement and the counselling should not be an opportunity for sd to blast you without censor, ability to fix her perspective!
Personally I would NOT go to lunch with sd. I understand that things cannot be resolved in one session, but I think its really important for DH and the therapist understand that you will not be providing sd with opportunities to continually target for the things which are going wrong in her life. You have the right to protect yourself from negativity. You will NOT be used as an escape goat, no matter how young/old she is.
I think YOU need to talk to DH and the therapist individually. How is the counsellor going to proceed? What is sd prepared to do in order to make an effort/change? How is DH going to address sd's perception that you are obstructing their relationship? Does he agree with this?
These are all things I would wish to know at a minimum before I would be prepared to even consider investing time and emotional energy in attending sessions for a child that is not your own! You see, I think everyone needs a reminder that you dont have to do anything should you choose not to and that unless they pull their fingers out then its time to completely disengage, take yourself out of the equation and inform sd that you will have NOTHING to do with arrangements regarding family time, DH/SD time together...so if things hit the fan between them, then that is on them and you have washed your hands entirely. Something I am sure sd will be happy to hear. That way, YOU cannot be held liable for any of it as you didnt know, hear or have anything to do with their bonding time! I would seriously consider this as an option, and perhaps if you do go back to counselling I would bring this up as an option for you. If the therapist doesnt like it, she can kiss your arse imo.
I've told him that this lunch
I've told him that this lunch will be my last attempt. I've already agreed to it, and will keep the commitment. But I really don't see her acting any other way than her usual shit-ass self, and then I'll be able to look DH in the eye and tell him, "That's it. I'm done with her. You 2 have a nice time you want to get together, but it will not be in OUR home, and it will not include me."
And what he'll say is, "I'm not doing that...she isn't going to come between us."
Well, then I guess it's on you DH to figure out how you're going to reconcile in your mind that I want nothing to do with your shit-ass child.
Yep, I wouldnt be going
Yep, I wouldnt be going either. I wuold just tell him you really heard what his daughter said at the therapy session and you want to be sure and give them plenty of alone time!
seems your comment belongs to
seems your comment belongs to another post
^^^^^^^ realmccoy, you have
^^^^^^^ realmccoy, you have made me snort out loud at work. That was funny abou the pennies & nickels!!! That whole bit on mazzy's post was just too funny, and now I've snorted at your post and I've got people wondering WTH is wrong with me. Thank you for the great laugh!!!