Update: Medium Chill
I successfully did the ‘Medium Chill’ at dinner tonight. Medium Chill is A technique used to disengage oneself from another person's drama when direct contact is unavoidable.
Medium Chill is disengaging emotionally and giving neutral responses to what someone does or says. The focus is on you, your feelings and needs, not the other person or their feelings and needs.
Someone using Medium Chill is assertive without being confrontational. They will give no appearance of withdrawal, and they will maintain a pleasant and calm tone of voice and demeanor. There are two key components to Medium Chill:
- Don't share any personal information.
- Don't get involved in another person's chaos or drama. When others try to draw you into their drama and chaos, you become a ‘bored’ and ‘dull’ listener. You are there, just not present or terribly involved. Never show anger or compassionate involvement; pay attention, but not too much attention. Don't offer any advice or opinions of your own. Don't try to solve their problems. You are not involved.
I’m going to change the following:
I've decided to make some significant changes moving forward. After enduring years of feeling unappreciated and disrespected, I'm no longer going to go out of my way to do anything 'special' for my stepdaughter. It's time for her father to take the reins in planning activities like ice cream outings and shopping trips. And when he does plan these things, I'll be bowing out; I have my own commitments and interests to attend to.
Furthermore, when it's just my stepdaughter and me, I won't be asking her for any favors or assistance. She has a knack for charming people ( her father) when it suits her interests or when she stands to gain something, a behavior highlighted in Robert Green's "The 48 Laws of Power" as characteristic of those who manipulate others for their benefit. Her father may be completely taken in by her 'good girl' facade, but I see through it.
It's quite telling how some people treat waitstaff and those in service roles. I believe this also goes for skids who treat their stepparents poorly. In my case, both my stepdaughters have made it clear through their disdainful behavior towards me, whom they see as 'peripheral and non-essential,' that they do not value my role in their lives. Consequently, I've made the decision to disengage completely.
It seems that SD only does things for me or listens to me to look good for her Daddy-cakes. So, I’ll use this information against her. When I’m alone with her, I’m going Yellow to Gray Rock. When she’s with her Daddy-cakes, she is friendly and can’t do enough for me.
When I confronted YSD on her bad behavior, she told me that the mothers’ of her boyfriends, teachers, and former friends had all stopped talking to her or engaging her once they got tired of her crap. It's not me – it’s the skids!
Lastly, the root of the issue with my husband's children lies squarely in his approach to parenting. I'm not in a position to comment on their mother's parenting style, as I'm not part of her household. However, every time I've attempted to address concerns regarding his children's behavior, he's deflected and reversed the situation using DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender), painting his children as blameless angels while suggesting I simply need to adapt to these challenging behaviors and refrain from bothering him. Clearly, the problem extends beyond the children; I'm dealing with significant issues in my relationship with my husband as well.
As a result of his piss-poor parenting, any time DH has a problem with his kids, I'm leaving him alone, hoping his kids will ‘eat him alive.’ If Daddy-cakes and Spawn have a ‘disagreement,’ I’m staying out of it – siding by the sidelines with my popcorn.
Moving forward, my emotional stance towards my stepdaughter will be characterized by indifference. I harbor no hatred or anger towards her or the other children; entertaining such feelings only serves to harm me, not them. Striving for indifference is a realistic goal for me, acknowledging that, as a human being, suddenly adopting a stance of loving my enemies is beyond my current reach. If I can achieve a state where neither hatred nor lingering anger resides within me, that will be a significant personal victory.
Reference: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
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Comments
Like gray rock?
Is Medium Chill different from gray rock?
I gray rock SD63 due to her lying, manipulative grifter behavior. It works well for me. I am not antagonist toward her so that appeases DH, I'm always civil and polite. But I don't initiate conversation beyond occasional banalities and I surely don't comment on anything she says.
The contrast between how I interact with her and with OSS60 is big. He's a sweet person, seems to sincerely care for me, has never iied or stolen from me. So, when I can please him, I do. I had a picture of his GF copied for him and facilitated the transfer of property in DH's family to him.
My other SK, YSS56 kind of gray rocks me. Lol. We've never really gotten along tho no drama. We are both polite and civil to each other
But my big question is,: are Medium Chill and gray rock the same?
There are three: Gray Rock,
There are three: Gray Rock, Medium Chill, and Robot Mode.
https://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2017/05/how-to-protect-yourself-...
I read that article, and it's
I read that article, and it's great! Thanks!
Gray Rock is a lifestyle - Medium Chill is a Communication Style
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/grey-rock-safe-detachment
Why does it have to be this way? It's sad!
I'm unsure how to answer - except that Gray Rock is a Lifestyle, and the Medium Chill is a communication style.
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your description of medium chill. Very helpful and informative. I have been intuitively taking a similar approach for many years. The part I need to work on is the indifference. It bothers me far more than it should.
In the past SD's complained to DH that I don't act bubbly and outgoing enough. It's a complaint that he hasn't taken particularly seriously because he acknowledges that they are generally rude and unkind towards me. Why would someone who is rude and goes out of their way to say hurtful things to you think that you would be friendly towards them? As someone else on ST said, "They don't give me the best of themselves so I don't give them the best of myself." And then there's the fact that I'm an introvert. I'm also a literal person. If I am excited then it will show that I'm excited but otherwise I remain calm and steady. I'm not the type of person to put on a bubbly demeanor just for the sake of performance, especially not for step diablas.
Good on you for taking a stand. May I ask, why do you stay? Your DH sounds like a real piece of work.
My DH tends to respond in his
My DH tends to respond in his characteristic manner when he's overwhelmed by work stress or emotionally unsettled—he becomes defensive as he thinks I ‘pose a threat’ to his child, who admittedly can be quite passive-PITA-aggressive. However, once he realizes that I have no intention of harming his child and his stress levels diminish, he becomes approachable, and we can have a conversation again. Note, his exwife, based on her own challenges, couldn’t do that! His rose-colored glasses come off after he has spent a significant amount of time with his daughter (ALONE, JUST THE TWO OF THEM), which helps him understand my perspective better.
After reading your post, Elea, it's clear to me that you are a person of strong moral fiber. A truly good person possesses a reliable moral compass, and when faced with difficult situations, they grapple with upholding their integrity. It seems to me this is the dilemma you face when your stepchildren use interpersonal aggression against you.
I hold the belief that harboring hatred or allowing my anger to simmer, especially when triggered by someone's toxic behavior, can derail me from my spiritual path if I fail to regulate these emotions. This deviation leads me to a place far removed from where I aspire to be.
When I find myself in such a state, it leaves me susceptible to a myriad of health problems and spiritual dilemmas. For this reason, I am keenly aware of the importance of not opening that door to begin with. Without my reliance on HaShem (G-d) to oversee what lies beyond my control — to shield me from harm and ensure that ‘justice’ prevails, not according to my timeline but His — I would find myself utterly adrift, feeling entirely helpless and devoid of power.
I think the three things HaShem asks me to do are:
1. Focus on what's within my grasp—my emotions are mine to command. I consciously reject hatred and the festering of anger. My stepchildren hold no sway over me emotionally, a fact that frustrates them immensely. This inability to affect me in the way they perhaps wish to seem to drive them crazy.
2.) My stance towards them is one of indifference, largely because, regrettably, my stepchildren do not embody the qualities or values I seek in individuals I choose to associate with — notably, a moral compass. Were it otherwise, their treatment of me would have been markedly different. My indifference stems not from a desire to correct or parent them; rather, it is born out of a recognition that my role is to respond to their toxicity with ‘silence and absence,’ serving as a natural repercussion for their actions towards me with my skids, it's nothing personal – just doing HaShem’s business! As they are doing the ‘other team’s!’
3.) The most powerful and simultaneously daunting action one can take against a 'toxic' person is to lead a life defined by personal values and convictions, free from their impact, entrusting the outcome to HaShem (G-d).
I highly esteem Rags and his approach to dealing with toxicity, yet it's clear our temperaments diverge significantly. His method is akin to Bruce Lee on steroids—a full-on, aggressive strategy and attack. In contrast, my style embodies a gentler form of self-defense, one that cleverly redirects my opponent's force against them.
Why should I pursue 'revenge' and risk stepping outside HaShem's protective embrace when I could instead step back and allow the omnipotent force to address them in His own time? HaShem has the capability to let these 'toxic' individuals bring about their own downfall in ways far more profound and severe than anything I could devise. I have to get out of the way and stay out of the way. Throughout my tenure as a stepmother, I've observed instances where my interventions inadvertently shielded some toxic individuals from the repercussions of their actions. Moving forward, I intend to step back and refrain from such interventions.
As for why I stay, here’s a link to an article:
https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/marriage-challenges/spiritually-mismatched/do-you-have-a-one-way-marriage/
I'm far from being a perfect person - and I have my moments. But being in this marriage has helped me work out my faith.
Though not a mapped concept,
Though not a mapped concept, I have taken a similar route with my IL clan. Ignore their drama, feign boredom regarding their blather, do not participate in their crap, and contront when they get out of line.
Not exactly medium chill but similar and it has worked increasingly well over the years as it has evolved to address their self agrandizing/victimizing drama.
I love the description of
I love the description of medium chill. Send the message, infuriate the toxic by clearly demonstrating that they are nothing more than a bad case of itchy ass, and do not abdicate our place in our own lives and the life of our mate by disengaging. IMHO disengaging makes them far more important than the irrelevance that they are.
You had me at "assertive" and "no appearance of withdrawal". The fade associated with disengaging has never been acceptable from my perspective. The assertive and no appearance of withdrawal sets and enforced boundaries while turining a nose up at the toxic.
I lllllllike it.
My concern with the whole concept of disengagement, Grey Rock, Medium Chill, and Robot Mode is that it has a massive risk of having people willfully surrender their joy for life, passion, and thrill to keep the toxic from thriving in their toxicity.
That is why I go for full flame incinerating destruction of toxic and those perpetrating it. I don't give a flying F about their fee fees or about them. In the least. Regardless of who they are. Or whose they are. If I incinerate the toxic behvior before the person goes up in flames, that is optimal. If the person commits to their toxicity, I commit more firmly to their destruction.
I make their misery my goal. I am fine with a calm medium chill to try to keep them from escalating, though if they make the mistake of escalating I will destroy them. Calmly, directly, and brutally. Without showing them a hint of emotion. I have found that that leaves them twitching and snivvling with their fee fees hurt claiming victimhood. That is fine with me. When they crawl back under the slime covered rock they belong under at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool. I do not give them another thought. Invariably they try to recruit others to their hurt fee fees cause, at which point I disect those people with the full frontal facts about the toxic individual and their bullshit pushing them to explain to me why they are facilitating and defending the toxic morons. "But they are just a kid!". So what, they are toxic. "But they are fammmm-ill-llllly!". So what? They are toxic. So it is okay that they are toxic along as they are a kid or family?Why is that? Why is any of that tolerable to you? Explain it. Because, is not an explaination. Why? Tell me. Say it. Say it. SAY IT!!!!!
That tends to insulate me and mine from ... them.... for extended periods. Then, they bring their cluster B bullshit out again and I go full confrontation mode, calmly, brutally, with the sole care of putting them painfully in their place. Again.The downside of my philosphy and action on this is that the toxic morons are people that some of the people that are important to me care about. But, I calm any qualms I may have by recognizing that not only am I protecting myself and my joie de vivre, I am defending those that I care about. They may not agree with me or how I am doing it, but even they will comment "It has been a while since (toxic dumbass A, B, C, D....) has been rude.". Which invariably means that we are getting close once again tp them erupting from their toxic pustule, under their slime covered rock,,,,at .... the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool.
Dehumanizing them in my mind helps me adress them as the shit and problem that they are. Their choices make them shit. Which makes things far easier on me when I go full frontal on them assault on them.
Confronting them brutally with a calm demeanor seems to deny them their goal while bringing them pain. No demonstrable emotion for them to feed off of. They just feel escalating pain and abject misery. Everyone else, gets calm joy in the process and an extended reprieve.
In other words.. a win, win, win, win with pain and a lesson. A win for me, a win for those who matter, a win for the process, a win for the family unit. Pain and a lesson... for them.
The key is that I have beem infinately more commited to their pain then they are to their toxic crap. Which so far, has proven to be the case. A personal down side is that I have learned to partially ignore my core tendency to care about people. I still care about people. I do not care at all about them. Rather than my default, my care has learned to become very selective.
Rags, choosing to embrace a
Rags, choosing to embrace a relationship with a single mother and her young son truly reflects your compassionate nature!
You wrote: Dehumanizing them in my mind helps me address them as the shit and problem that they are. Their choices make them shit. Which makes things far easier on me when I go full frontal on them assault on them.
It seems you're suggesting that you've learned to temporarily suspend your compassion, focusing instead on facts, concrete words, and actions to facilitate real change. I wouldn't describe it as 'dehumanizing them.' Rather, it's about treating them as adults or children who are in dire need of guidance by providing them with consequences and feedback appropriate to their actions.
Thank you very much. Though
Thank you very much. Though more likely I have been extremely self serving. People like DW and our son do not come along but once in a lifetime if that. I am the fortunate one.
Interesting!
Thanks for sharing! I'm aware of Grey Rock but had not heard of this. As an individual who can "see" future interaction with DHs kids due to aging issues (I'm completely disengaged by 6 years now), these is super valuable information. I always say, "Civil and superficial." And I would NEVER share anything personal with DHs kids. I live by the motto (Lysa Terkeurst)of only giving of my heart to an individual who has shown to be trustworthy with past "givings." They have zero access to me.
Aniki-Moderator shared a
Aniki-Moderator shared a fascinating article! It seems that adopting a robotic demeanor aligns closely with practicing indifference. By remaining unemotional, I find myself able to observe and understand much more.
I have always loved your posts, CajunMom; you have a lot of wisdom.