Using the Surrender Tactic to Avoid Unnecessary Conflict – Have you used it?
My DH has an entitled ex-wife. Although they both are two grown-ass adults who had the child custody orders read to them by two lawyers, and they both consensually agreed on what was written in that court document, hence they signed on the dotted line – apparently – that wasn’t good enough to the ex-wife – she wants more, more and more.
In the five years I’ve been on board, the ex-wife has tried to nickel and dime DH to death. Case-in-point, one year the ex-wife (BM) wanted to take YSD to Disneyland. She sent an ‘assertive’ email to DH demanding that he pay half of her fare and cover YSD’s expenses.
DH did what any average adult would do – he sent her a BIFF email and his email’s message, in a nutshell, was – NO!
The fallout was a series of serial killer emails and texts– their messages (concisely) were – How dare you ignore my demands for more life-support! You’re the evilest man in the world! You’re the worst father in the world. Bah-bah-bah!
Then he gray-rocked her – or tried. As a result, she took him back to court and demanded the moon and Fort Knox! We don’t own Fort Knox! But she can ask, per our attorney!
After that – DH decided to use the surrender tactic, which goes something like this.
Anytime the ex-wife emails – he’s friendly, and he tells her she’s doing a good job raising YSD. Reality – She’s an absentee, missing-in-action Disneyland Mamma. If she wants him to pay a medical bill, say $100, he gives her $25. If YSD needs a ride somewhere and she’s on BM’s time, and BM (for some reason – maybe she’s drunk???) can’t drive – DH will be YSD’s chauffeur. If YSD needs money for school lunches – DH gives her enough to cover lunches while she’s at BMs. As he is doing this – the BM seems to be relaxing. Good. What DH is trying to do is, in football terms, trying to sit on the ball until the clock runs out.
When YSD ages out of the system – he plans on going complete and total GRAY ROCK on the Ex-wife.
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Appeasement rarely works with
Appeasement rarely works with a narcissist. They are never satisfied, any concession becomes the new starting point to ask for even more, and they enjoy the conflict. IMO, gray rock is almost always the way to go. She already took him back to court, I'd just follow the CO to a T.
I do this with DH85
I look for chances to say "Yes!" and " You're right!" to DH85. He's in a mode where he complains and disagrees with many things, it's probably due to age and oncoming dementia. I'm basically running the house and our lives and it must be hard for him on some level, he was always the alpha dog in the family altho I know it's a relief not to have to figure out things that are beyond him now. So, whenever possible, he's right, he did a good job, why didn't I think of that.
My DH tried the appeasement
My DH tried the appeasement route with HCBM for the first few years we were together. The issue is that it caused BM's demands and expectations to grow to unrealistic proportions. If we gave BM an inch, she would try to take a mile. If she said "Jump," DH would say "How high?" just to prevent an argument with her. It emboldened BM to try to control and abuse every aspect of DH's life. She told DH what he could and could not do with his time, with and without SS. The last straw was when BM told DH that he could only use his PTO for SS - not for traveling or sick time, etc. That was our "WTF" moment and we knew we had to fight.
The only way we were able to stop DH's bad behavior of appeasing BM to stop a fight was to take BM to court. While we didn't gain much from our court battle, it did make BM slow down, realizing that DH actually had the balls and means to fight her should she push too hard. After that, DH implemented rock solid boundaries and followed the CO to a tee. Now we have very little conflict with BM; she really only tries anything maybe once or twice a year now.
Ignoring the problem and appeasing BM won't fix anything. He has to put BM in her place and then maintain those boundaries, teaching her that she cannot just do whatever she wants and if she does, he won't be a part of it. It's hard and can be costly, but it is worth the peace.
Husband does this
He will do what I call "capitulations" he calls it doing what is necessary to "keep things nice". I call it "jumping through hoops".
"surrender tactic" is another good term for it...
He has to do whatever works,
He has to do whatever works, I guess.
BM over here was smart enough to know that DH would not give her one extra dime. Since SD emancipated herself (got married), he has not even spoken to BM. It's wonderful.
Good luck with appeasement ending at 18
35 years ago they divorced and it's been an uphill battle for him to set healthy boundaries with his grown kids and the ex STILL! I've finally began saying "they expect this because of your past condoning of it" I get it, he was a bachelor for a very long time but it's been over 8 years now that he's had a partner (me) and they still put demands on his time, finances and any resource they can from him. This woman actually called my DH when she found out we were engaged and going to buy a home to interject what kind of property we should buy so that when the kids inherit it's something they can have as a legacy. Uhmm no.
wtf?!?!?!
Someone has cajones at least. Hopefully he told her to bugger off.
Never works. Will only build
Never works. Will only build resentment in the relationship. My SO was very enmeshed with BM when I met him.. Once boundaries started getting put up BM tried putting a wedge between us. That didn't work as well as she hoped and we ended up in court. Long story short skids stopped going over there 5 years now. When I say never I mean never. Skids are 19,18, and 15 now.
BMs attention craving for SO has died down for the most part. She perks up once in awhile but... gray rocking is what he did and it worked for him.
You can't give them ANY attention or they won't stop.
It does not work in the long
It does not work in the long run. My husband did this and found himself a slave to the BMs. As soon as he wouldnt do what he was told, the BMs would threaten to file for more support or for enforcement on prior arrears and would follow suit with it
It wont work....