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UPDATE - Boundaries have been set

Julie-1234's picture

Submitted by Julie-1234 on Wed, 04/19/2023 - 8:30am

Ok here is a little update.

Spoke to me DH about the dire situation with my SD19 and BM and boundaries have been set. DH was actually really supportive and said he understands how difficult and unfair it is for me to be a constant target. 

BASICALLY I WILL NO LONGER BE A DOOR MAT! There after 15 years i've said it... 

  • If DH or BM ask if I can sort SD out when she is playing up - It will be a no.
  • My DH will do all of the communicating from now on.
  • I will no longer fall for the i'm hungry we have no food trick.
  • SD is welcome at our home but only if she genuinely wants to spend time with us....NOT when she just wants something bought for her.
  • Any negative comments from BM and S'Dad will instantly be shut down and SD will be told we don't want to hear it.

I do feel a bit sad because I have tried so hard to treat her like she is one of my own and maybe that was my downfall because all I got in return was manipulation and disrespect. SD is already showing signs of struggling with the change.. I recieved multiple texts trying to get me to engage in conversation with her. The panic of oh I have gone to far this time appears to be setting in. 

I think DH, BM and SD are all in for a big shock when they realise how much stuff they relied on me to do (Oh well not my problem anymore) 

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Wed, 04/19/2023 - 8:36am

It sounds good, Julie, but I bet you have some boundary stompers there.   It will be awhile before it sinks in with them.  Good luck.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Wed, 04/19/2023 - 8:42am

Stick to your guns - they're not going to take this lying down. If you feel yourself faltering, come back on here and we'll help bolster you up!

Julie-1234's picture

Submitted by Julie-1234 on Wed, 04/19/2023 - 8:50am

I will try my best.... From now on I will only put my time and engery into those that appreciate and respect me. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Wed, 04/19/2023 - 8:44am

YESSSSSS!

Great mindset! Stick to it! If you're ever having doubts, just remember that relationships are a two-way street. If SD WANTS a good relationship with you, then SHE can put in equal effort. You're now matching her effort, just without the attitude and manipulation.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Wed, 04/19/2023 - 8:47am

And please stick around to let us know how it goes and to offer other people advice from your (fingers crossed) success story!

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Wed, 04/19/2023 - 9:10am

Boundary attackers need to be constantly rebuffed.  It can feel at first like you are under siege but it will get better.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Wed, 04/19/2023 - 10:00am

I'm so glad to hear your husband was receptive and supportive! I'm sure there will be times where it is 2 steps forward, one step back BUT it sounds like you and your DH are a good team, you will do great!

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Wed, 04/19/2023 - 10:02am

And DH will fall for it.

There will be some kind of extraordinary circumstance or whatever "just this onces" etc. Do not fall for that...

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Wed, 04/19/2023 - 4:20pm

Beware the blowback.

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Wed, 04/19/2023 - 10:07am

Good on you!!

Stand firm on your bounderies or they will never respect or honor anything you say or do in the future. And if you start to waver, come back here and read the posts to you. We are your cheer squad, we got your back. You are awesome!