Unsettling convo with SD60

Well, its the holiday season, time for SD60 to be more depressed than usual and for us to hear about it. I've been successfully avoiding seeing or talking to her since all the car drama two weeks ago.

DH was talking to her tonight then handed me the phone. SD60 thanked me for all we do, which was nice. Then she launched into her problems. Her finances, her troubled daughter, lingering trauma from the accident, ineffective therapist, long-lasting grief over BM's death, younger daughter who is antagonistic, etc. I tried to give her some kind but realistic feedback. As I was talking to her, DH, not a demonstrative person, put his hand over mine and mouthed "thank you".

On the one hand, I can't stand her and feel she's brought most of her problems on herself. On the other hand, it's hard to see a family member so down. To change the subject, I asked if her Christmas tree was up. She said no, it's a lot of work and last year, nobody came over.

This is just a vent, I know all this will be over on December 26. Sigh...

JRI's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

DH appreciates you

And your efforts with SD.

Hang in there, Christmas will be gone in the blink of an eye.

I know

Many years have taught me these next 3 weeks are the toughest of the year. Unfortunately, I also know it's just beginning.

You are a good, kind person.

You are a good, kind person. SD60 is lucky to have you.

Thanks

Thanks for your kind words. DH talked to her earlier in the day. When he walked out of the bedroom, he had such a sad look on his face. It lasted for a long time. Later, I put my arm around him and told him it's so hard to watch and that she's on her own path, there's nothing much more anybody can do. Its his daughter, he wants her to be ok, hard for a parent to see.

Yes. My mother is struggling

Yes. My mother is struggling with the fact that my two oldest siblings won't get vaccinated. They are 64 and 63, so putting themselves at risk. I feel like they are idiots, but they are her idiots and she loves them, so she is really having a hard time.

Your mom

I feel for your mom. That's the toughest thing a parent does - watch their kids make serious mistakes.

My father died 4 years ago

My father died 4 years ago and he was the voice of reason for my two older siblings. It's caused a big divide in our family, which is of course, also painful for her. I'm sure it's hard for your DH to wonder what will happen to SD60 when he's gone, but it's not your job to care for her, it's HERS. Or her children's. Or the state's.

You are an Angel

SD60 will always just repeat, not evolve, and thats so tough. This Christmas will hopefully be better than last where I got to watch Husband sob silently after the morning phone call with sobing Feral Forger SD22 begging to live with us after an arguement with Toxic Troll over cleaning and then SD15 threatening to destroy herself if we did allow her to move back in.

These trainwrecks continue. And we have to just sit by and watch this tired movie on repeat.

You're right, it's a trainwreck

What a horrible Christmas you had last year, we can only hope it's better this year. Awful.

What is so sad here is I know the drama is not over for weeks. DH and I were talking this am about what we like about the holidays, in my case, my tree, the lights outside and a little Christmas music. Its taken a long time for me to realize I have to focus on those pluses because the negatives are coming these next couple weeks. If I can't retain my focus, I get overwhelmed by SD's intensity.

JRI, you are a good person

JRI, you are a good person with a good heart. I am warmed to read that your DH acknowledged that fact, in "thanking you" for taking on the task of lending a shoulder to your SD. I also understand the double edged sword.

Skids can be an ongoing bone of contention. Yet somehow when they are in need, despite the pain and anxiety that they have inflicted upon us, we manage to muster up feelings of empathy when they reach out to us for a shoulder to cry on, and we listen and console. I went through that with my SDs when they were going through their divorces. At times I felt so conflicted because I wanted to believe that we were connecting on some deeper level than before, but I was always careful not to let my guard down too much, for fear of being hurt by them once again, after they ceased to "need" me. I quickly learned that what appeared to be the makings of closer friendship, was only to be temporary. After their dramas subsided, we were back to square one.

Christmas seems to bring on a lot negative emotions. There is so much emphasis on making Christmas perfect. How wonderful it is to spend time with Family! The reality is that all of these unrealistic expectations tend to give me nothing but anxiety and fear over what drama lurks around the corner. But I am very much like you, JRI. I have learned to focus on the beauty of my festively decorated house, the warmth of the evening fire and the coziness and tranquility of my home. I try not to think of Christmas in terms of a day. For me, it's the whole season leading up to Christmas day, and in taking it one day at a time, and living in those moments, it all becomes much more bearable.

Clove, I'm am going to really hope that you have a better Christmas this year, than last! That sounds absolutely horrible.

Every Christmas, my DH calls his two DD's, on Christmas morning. He wishes them a Merry Christmas and speaks to his GKDS for a short time. Last year, YSD for whatever reason, did not answer so he left a message on her phone. He waited expectantly most of the day for her to return his call. She didn't. YSD only called him back the following day. No excuse...no reason. Important to note; DH's Birthday is on Christmas day. No card either. I was heart-broken for him. He never expressed any emotion over it, but I know how I'd feel. When she finally returned his Christmas call on the afternoon of the 26th, she went on and on about a fictitious illness that she claims to have, that has her concerned. "Me, Me, Me, Me"

And then we're deemed to be the "Evil" ones?

I know what you mean

Like you, I am often conflicted. I hear SD's distress and feel empathy. On the other hand, much of it is self-inflicted. I hear myself making sensible suggestions but I wonder why because I know FOR CERTAIN she has never in her life taken my advice. As a matter of fact, she goes out of her way to do the opposite (just to "show me").

You make a good point that while we are talking, I often think it's the start of a closer relationship. In fact, it's just her dumping out her feelings, making suitable responses and afterwards, back to status quo.

Just 3 more weeks to go then the intensity will diminish. She and her depression and her problems won't go away but won't be so much in our faces. Sigh....