Help - BF is literary falling apart
I do not know what else to do to keep my BF afloat. He has been depressed over all the divorce issues and mainly due to the fact that he has not been able to see his kids thanx to psycho BM. All he wants to do is sleep. A few times I have been able to distract his mind but just for a short moment. He is very anxious as we are awaiting the divorce trial judgement after a very unfair trial. He has been adhering to the initial temporary divorce orders for almost 4 yrs and he is at breaking point especially financially. He has never failed to pay for his mortgage in lieu of child support while his estranged wife was suppose to come up with the difference but she has not done that and so he has to keep up with payments so as not to mess his credit. His desperation comes from seeing pyscho BM lie thro her teeth and get away with it, while he has tried to do the right thing and gets screwed up. Not seeing his kids has done a number on him. He has started to let out his frustrations on me and the kids. When he does that I try to understand that it is not his wish to hurt us, but my problem is that I have tried to get him to see a therapist to express his feelings and he won't even listen to me. He thinks he is too manly to talk to a therapist. I tried to get him to join an online divorce support group and he has just tossed the idea out. A lot of times he doesn't express his feelings to me, I have to force him to talk when I notice him in a sullen mood. I try to make him understand that he is not the only one going thro such BS, if he only took a minute to look out there and see other men in similar or even worse situations and yet they still have hope. I know psycho will throw a party if she learns that he is totally miserable as that is her goal, but I will be damned if I let her evil schemes ruin our lives and I refuse to give her that satisfaction. She ain't worth loosing sleep over. Yesterday I overheard my BF talking to someone on the phone how he has no more strength to go on which got me worried. I talked to him a few months back about letting depression get the best of him coz his own kids will need him down the road. Their mom is only fighting for them just for the financial gain. When they were together, most of the times she was away from home looking for 'cool' men because according to her, he was 'boring' and old skool. My BF is not a party animal. I told him in my case, the only way I have managed to stay sane is by joining this precious website where I can share with others experiencing similar ordeals. I too could have decided to shut out the world and throw a pity party over dumb BM's lame stunts, then what? I could have been dead by now. I am the kind who does not believe in giving in to life's ugly evils. I know its difficult dealing with BMs bs, but I chose to keep my head high no matter what. When Bms realise they can't bring us down, they will turn around like a lame wounded buffalo and limp back to their caves to recover.
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I would have to say
in this case. I am not sure what the right thing to do is, I was going to tell you to just take a breather and go stay somewhere for a couple of days. But that is not the right answer because his mental state seems pretty fragile. So just take a breather and tell him you love him very much but for your relationships sake he has to stop feeling sorry for himself. That is what it sounds to me. We all tend to feel sorry for ourselves at times when things are rough. But in your BF case he is taking it to the extreme. He needs to take all the crap and pick himself up and move on with his life.
Happy
Take him to the Dr. Make the appointment tell him you are going somewhere else and get him to a Dr. How is it going to look when he tries to do something STUPID and he lives thru it to his children.
I could freaking go crazy right now about money and my lack of it but I am not. I take it day by day.
He needs someone to be very firm with him about this. If you love him you have to be there for him but you also have to give him a push to pick the pieces back up and move on. Because this is just the very many train wrecks this woman is going to cause for him.
I am very sorry you are going thru this..
I think divorce is a lot
I think divorce is a lot like death. It's still a loss, even if it's something you want badly, and it really takes a lot out of you. Sometimes you just need to let yourself feel as badly as you need to feel to get it out of your system. Not because of losing the other person, but because of all the other associated loss that comes with it. He might just need to feel his worst for awhile before he can pull himself up by his bootstraps and really get over it. I'd try giving him all the breathing room he needs right now, until everything is finally final. At that point, you can decide how to go on. In the meantime, maybe encourage him to do something - anything! - that he enjoys or that would be relaxing. There are all kinds of therapy... my husband enjoys woodworking, I like to sew and, believe it or not, we have a blast getting out the PlayStation and playing games together. Encourage him to do relaxing things, let him feel as bad as he needs to feel and just keep an eye on him so you can be ready to support him in whatever way he needs support. It won't be like this forever and each person has to deal with it in his or her own way.
~ Anne ~
I'm torn
Thank you Happy, Anne 8102 & anon. You all have very valid points. I was just thinking about Anne's idea of letting someone grief for a while and then move on. Now that someone mentioned it, I am beginning to wonder if I have given him enough space to grief over his divorce. I think I have and I feel that he needs to shake himself up now and live. What good does it do to him to wallow in self-pity? It doesn't mend the hurts and further more, he should take a cue from his estranged wife who moved on with her life a thousand years ago but just wants to be spiteful because she is unhappy with her current relationships. I know people are different in the way they handle different stressors. I was in a 5yr relationship with xBF who I had a child with, we broke up which was very difficult for me but I realised life had to go on. I found other channels to project my frustrations towards and I was able to come out of it better. I try to give my BF space but again I can't just watch him in his zombie state days at a time and not do anything. I will try really hard to talk him into seeing his doctor at least, may be the doctor could talk him into seeing a therapist. Thank you all for your advice.
happy, I know you mean well but
telling him to quit feeling sorry for himself would be the same as telling him he doesn't have a right to feel the way he does. He needs to have his feelings acknowledged and validated, not dismissed. Situations like these can be devastating to all involved, and it takes time to work through the grieving process. I do agree in part that divorce is like death, but when you die, that's it...you're gone and you know where they are. In my opinion, divorce is more difficult, because that person is still out there; there will always be the "what ifs" and the unanswered questions. When you divorce someone there will always be the would have / should have / could haves to contend with. There is always the possibility of running into that other person, of seeing them with someone else, of knowing they are happier with someone else. It can be a gut-wrenching experience, and these feelings can resurface time and time again. I do agree that he needs help, but tricking him is not the right way to go about it; that will only lead to feelings of betrayal compounded with what he is dealing with now. My best advice is to ask him straight out if he has thought about hurting himself and to let him know that you are concerned for his safety and welfare, and to urge him to see his physician. His doctor can determine if he needs medication to help control his depression while going through this ordeal. It is not weakness to admit you need help; on the contrary, it takes a very strong person to ask for help. You are in my thoughts and prayers.