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I need to vent, and need some advice...

inyoureyesIcaughtfire's picture

Submitted by inyoureyesIcaug... on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 12:12pm

Let me start off by saying I am very new to the site and don't know all the abbreviations everyone is using just yet, so bear with me on that. Also, my problem is complex, so pardon me if this post seems scatter-brained. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months now (not very long, I know) and his daughter is really starting to get on my nerves. Right now she is only two which is a terrible age to begin with ("terrible twos"), but it's my boyfriend's discipline, or lack thereof, that bothers me. When we have her every other weekend, I dread it to the point where I put myself in a terrible mood. I dread it because currently her bed is in our bedroom, on the opposite wall of our bed. It bothers me that at night my boyfriend will let her sleep in our bed, then transfer her to hers when we're ready to sleep. In my opinion, his child should not be in our bed at all, spilling milk all over our sheets out of her sippy cup. If it were my child, I would be explaining the importance of sleeping in their own bed. In a few weeks, she will be getting her own room downstairs where we will be moving her bed, and I'm dreading the tantrum she is going to throw when she finds out she won't be sleeping in "daddy's bed" anymore. The worst part is my boyfriend will have no problem caving in and letting her sleep upstairs in our bed for all eternity. Currently I am almost three months pregnant and know that when the baby is born, she absolutely CANNOT sleep upstairs with the three of us. It's just not practical... I also can't stand that his daughter, who will be three in January, cannot go a minute without her precious binky and daddy does nothing to try to change her behavior...just gives it to her at her beck and call. She is also constantly whining and crying about everything. She can never ask nicely for things, it's always WHINYYYY. Once again, my boyfriend does nothing to correct the whining...simply gets her everything she asks for. How is a child supposed to learn how to appropriately ask for things if the parents do nothing to correct it? It seems like his daughter has no discipline on either the mom's or dad's end, and I can foresee her growing up to be a spoiled brat. If I wasn't currently pregnant I would leave this awful situation, but the thought of being pregnant and alone is unfathomable. Should I try to make things work until the baby's born and then leave? Or try to make it work for the long run? I am so confused and hopeless about the whole situation.

Comments

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 12:28pm

You are in for a long, miserable life with this man and his brat child. If he DOESN'T discipline her at all, caves into all of her demands, and lets her run amuck in your home together and thinks NOTHING of it you can best believe that without some serious wake up call he will not change.

My sons father left me for another woman when I was almost 8 months pregnant. I thankfully had my parents that allowed my son and I to stay in their home. YOU CAN MAKE IT WITHOUT HIM!!! You dont need a man that has no respect for you and lets his child run his life and deeply affect your relationship as he is allowing her to do.

Trust me being a single parent is FAR BETTER then being constantly miserable with a man that has no back bone and lets his 2 yr old kid run your house!!! You and your baby will be SOOO MUCH better off...believe that!!! Smile

mommawowa's picture

Submitted by mommawowa on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 12:37pm

I went through mostly similar stuff when I first met my now husband. His son (3.5 at the time) did not even realize that there was such a thing as having a different bed outside of both his mom and his dad's. We did the transfer thing for months.

I'm not sure what to tell you though about leaving, especially concerning the pregnancy. I see a common thread among the dad's on this site (including my own). Even if it's unconscious, there is this need to make the children from a divorce feel extra-special during their custody time. It's definitely not a healthy way to parent. There is also a lot of the "friend" over parent issue (again, including my own husband at times). I think it stems from this psychological guilt.

One minor thing; I'm assuming binky means pacifier. If so, don't worry so so much on that end. It's definitely a comfort thing for her, and at not three yet, it's not too big of a deal. I say that with a grain of salt, because I know personally, I got rid of my daughter's BEFORE she turned 2. But every baby is different. She won't be going to kindergarten with it. One thing you could try is to maybe find some special small blanket or stuffed animal that could become her new lovey (and it might could bond you and her some) so that when the binkie is finally taken away, she will have a more acceptable lovey to comfort her.

On the personality front. I see your pain. I also see how I felt very similar at the time, and I think I didn't give my step-son enough of a chance. I was so blinded by my anger and discontentment about the discipline and sleeping arrangements (much like yourself) that I couldn't see any of the cute and likable things my step-son did do. I also (and still continually) find fault with my step-son for the the lack of parenting on his parents part.

A very important lesson I have learned over the past 6 years. I am not the mom. I am my husband's supporter. Whatever way he chooses to parent his child, I will support. If I can't support, I simply step away from that situation. Now with our child together, things are different. I try (and I hope we try) to be a team together. Also, my step-son is not to blame for his mom and his dad being idiots and making bad parenting choices. I cannot take it out on him. He is a person, and most importantly, a child who needs love, guidance, and a great role model (since his mom is not obviously any of those for him).

I hope that helps some. Please continue to stay on here, read, post, read, post. It is very very helpful to feel like you belong.

Fading's picture

Submitted by Fading on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 12:56pm

I'm going to assume it is safe to say the pregnancy wasn't the original plan of action in this relationship (considering if you are currently 3 mo pregnant, you were only together 4 months when you conceived). How would you handle this if you were NOT pregnant? It should be along the same lines as that.

giveitago's picture

Submitted by giveitago on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 12:58pm

I think I would be having a discussion with your boyfriend and ask him if he really wants two children spending every night in 'our room'. Let him know that you intend putting the baby in her own room when she's sleeping through the night then SD should be in hers too. It might help make the transition easier for her if they both move at once, there's going to be 'it's not fair because new baby sleeps with you!' I think that's something you and your boyfriend should discuss, that gives him some time to adjust to the idea before baby comes. I seriously would not put SD downstairs while new baby is with you...that's asking for huge resentment and big trouble down the line. She's only two years old and she will feel cast aside and, though tantrums are largely manipulative tools, her mind is still on 'me me me' and she's losing a part of her daddy to you and a new baby.
Personally I found that my children slept all night at around the 6 weeks old mark, I think it's worth enduring for that short span. I think I would put baby monitors in each room.