See previous blog re: breaking up w/ BF & spouse paying rent for background.
Steptalk is an interesting conundrum. Here people come on, and complain about putting out too much financially and emotionally. About being used- their resources taken for granted. SO's that treat them like nannies/ maids/ chauffeurs and all other various types of (paid) help that one can think of. Child support is so high the "second family" suffers etc etc yet when I bring up these very same issues with my thoughts on solving them then it's unfair to SO. It's not the way a marriage runs. Well the issues a stepfamily deals with is not the way a traditional marriage runs but I see many dealing with these issues. Step/blended marriages are not traditional even if we are the new "norm". Well it can either be unfair to him or it could be unfair to me, and I know what my choice is.
Should I pour all my money into our home feeling frustrated, resentful, and taken advantage of? or should I save that money and buy a home that belongs to me (something we both benefit from) or save it in a savings account/retirement acct (something only I benefit from) and we continue to pay rent (since thats what HE can afford? In this second scenario he still has no home equity because he cant afford it... But guess who also has no home equity because it's unfair not to share the spoils of my hard labor equally? Thats right me!! In this situation there are no easy answers. I see many people here continue to say that second marriage aren't lesser. Well no for us they're not, but their treatment by the judicial system and various other entities says otherwise. A stepparent is treated differently by the law, her spouse, her step kids, her in-laws, held to a different standard by others yet want to employ the same rules that apply to a first marriage. And then wonder why they are having such difficulty. Because and here's one for the ages *drum roll* a marriage with kids from a previous relationship is DIFFERENT!!!! STAPLES commercial-----> That was easy.
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The reason I had the
The reason I had the responses to you that I did is because you are *only* looking at love, marriage, and a future as a "numbers things." Which I totally get... I *do* numbers. I have a masters in accounting.
However, life is about much more than a PnL statement.
I have never had any regrets marrying XH, becoming a SM at 17, and inheriting a SD and crazy BM. None at all. I think you need to be open to sharing your life and money and resources in this way, though. If it's all about "what's fair to meeeee" you won't find happiness.
I think you absolutely made the best decision for yourself.
I will never share my money
I will never share my money w/ someone I feel indifference too and I will not apologize. Even when I donate to charities, toys for tots, or just buying a random homeless person a hot meal I do it because I FEEL something for them and because I want to. You may feel ok subsidizing your husband/ stepkids and in a roundabout way BM but I do not. God bless you.
I viewed it more of us being
I viewed it more of us being a family instead of his and hers. It was a challenge in marriage #1 when I was a step, and then we had bios together.
I still struggle with it in marriage #2 because by then I had "mine" and he had less of "his."
I don't think you need to apologize for anything. I'm just saying that sometimes life is about more than numbers, and when you try to predict and nail down exactly what percentage of what utility bill will be paid by which "partner" in ten years... you may not be ready for marriage. A partnership is just that...a partnership. It isn't meant to be two single people co-habiting. Don't believe me? Look at the relationship failure rate just on this site.
I think you should focus on your life and accomplishing your goals.
And all of a sudden I wish
And all of a sudden I wish you had been there when I was getting into this mess.
In fact, I wish I had read this damn forum before I got into this mess--but obviously no one would think to read a forum like this if they weren't involved in such a situation ourselves.
I surgically separate the numbers aspect of a marriage and all of the other aspects of a marriage, because I believe two people who claim to love each other should look at the numbers objectively and decide what is fair and isn't fair, and try to reconcile the inequities. This way problems are mitigated before they actually become problems, before the resentment has built up already. With issues like finances, the only thing you can work with is numbers and household duties, those are the only facts involved. It's not like anyone can say "I love you more so I can pay less" because in that case my DH wouldn't have to contribute a dime.
Sometimes life IS about
Sometimes life IS about numbers, if they are daunting enough to give you serious pause. I work TOO HARD EVERY DAY for my $$$$ to give it to ungrateful steps and BM. IOP, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Why go into a relationship(marriage) with pre exsisiting resentment? Belive me marriage is hard enough on it's own!(I've been married almost 30 yrs) Good luck and God bless.
OP - I've been reading your
OP - I've been reading your blogs and I think SAF was trying to help you see that life is messy and doesn’t always go as planned. To account for who pays what down to every single cent in a marriage is impossible.
However, I think you are more concerned about the idea of helping your FDH pay his child support than who pays the utility bill.
You do not want to pay for DH's kids and in a roundabout way BM. You know if you continue with the relationship that there is a very real possibility that this may happen, because life is messy and doesn’t always go as planned.
You already know going into the situation that helping him pay for his child support is only going to cause you unhappiness, so why go forward?
Far better to see the handwriting on the wall and end things than to go ahead with the marriage and then six months later come on this forum and say “I’m helping my DH pay his CS and I can’t stand it!” Well, you saw the red flags but you went ahead anyway, you only have yourself to blame.
SAF made the right choice for her - I think you’ve made the right choice for YOU.
I remember one time, maybe 4
I remember one time, maybe 4 or 5 years back when I had a total meltdown over our finances with DH. I screamed at the top of my lungs and said "So basically, I work to support THIS household and YOU work to support HERS? Because if THAT is the case, let's sell this house RIGHT NOW and you go your way and I go mine!"
I think it stunned him. I had held it in for so long that one day, I just blew my lid. We had just gotten custody of his than 16 year old son and she got away with giving us NO child support. Not one fucking penny. Meanwhile HE ended up only getting a $200.00 deduction from the CS he paid her because SHE brought in fraudulent tuition bills for SD. (She gets financial aid, but she brought in FULL tuition bills). Money tears families apart. It sucks, but it's true.
I think the OP made the right choice. She is young and has no kids. I can understand that many of us here make concessions because well, we have kids from previous relationships, we are able to see past a lot of the baggage because we too have our share. If I had no kids? No way in hell would I have married a man with children.
"Don't feel bad about
"Don't feel bad about applying math to marriage. Love is one thing, marriage is another."
^^^^^ THIS +1000 ^^^^^^
Thank you guys. I still feel
Thank you guys. I still feel guilty because now that we are broken up and he has to move out his room at his mothers is not available. Even that aspect of the relationship became a major turn off. He was 28 when I met him he turned 29 this past August. He helped out with the bills at home similarly to the way he helped out w/ the bills when we lived together. However I realized that this gown man with two kids could not afford to live comfortably on his own without much struggle. Actually he would need to do even more over time to achieve a decent quality of life because of his CS obligations. More over time equals less free time. So he works more and sees his kids less because of his bad decisions. I decided his kids were already fucked. No need to bring my own well thought out off springs into that mess.