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The thought of my step daughter spending time with me gives me diarrhea

IaaBS's picture

Submitted by IaaBS on Wed, 05/23/2012 - 9:40am

My SD12 has been diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. Her BM is not bad but I would say lazy. She medicates her and thinks that will fix the problems and uses "I have no money" as an excuse as why SD12 is not involved in activities. She works part time receives child support on time and refuses to work more because she will loose her HUD, Food stamps, and whatever government benefits. DH and I (2 years now) have her on Mondays, Wednesday and Sundays. I started taking her to church with me and have been so embarrassed by her behavior. I swear she acts like she has been raised by wolves. When given a piece of cake instead of saying thank you she asks for more. She demands gifts and when I was talking to the a couple of weeks ago we were talking to the youth pastor instead of saying "Hi, my name is blah blah what is yours?" she screams "WHO ARE YOU!" During a luncheon she laid over her food shoveled it slurped and burped and people were staring.

In our household my children have asked that she not come into their room. She has stolen, wrote on her wall and altered the handwriting on the wall so we would blame my BS10. She has told my BD17 "You will brush my hair, you will give me your drink and you will like it" Get in front of the T.V. when sons are watching jumps and and down and makes a weird noise. Tell them to do stuff and they will like it. She is rude and mean to them and punishment by DH or I has changed very little.

When she and I are alone she asks me to buy her stuff, do things for her. That of course is natural kid thing but she takes it to an inappropriate level. I took her and got her a pedicure and instead of saying thank you she asked why could she not get manicure too. She took an old cell phone of mine with no service and pretended to talk to her best friend on the phone "Hey girl I'm getting a mani-pedi" When I do something for her it isnt enough, she wants more stuff, more attention, more activities.

At this point DH and BM hate each other and talk as little as possible. When SD12 is with BM her only activity is watching tv because she isnt allowed to play with neighborhood children. She and another neighborhood girl broke into a neighbors house and stole, sold her bike DH gave her for Christmas for $5, took her BM phone and showed the neighborhood kids the picture her BM had in that phone of her v-jay-jay. BM says she doesnt have the gas money to get her to activities and other functions that would help her or some other excuse. I seem to be the only one of the three of us that has read up on ODD/ADHD, trying to show her appropriate public behavior, church involvement, tries with her.

I was around her only 10 minutes before she asked me to get her nails done, asked for a pair of shoes in my closet and a whitening strip. I'm done. When I see her I just think, I dont like you and it is your behavior that has me feeling this way. She cant be helped if I am the only one putting in the effort. I feel resentful and like a prisoner in my own home and now forced to take her on my vacation because not taking her would be spiteful on my part.

Comments

Nikki72223's picture

Submitted by Nikki72223 on Wed, 05/23/2012 - 10:43am

I so agree I feel the same way ss6 is a pain in the ass, I just want to hide but also feel if he is left at around the house he is into everything and is no big deal to dh, I even have had to wait to have my own bedroom to my self because he was playing a video game with dh when there is a system in the living room and his room and he has a portable.

imthewife's picture

Submitted by imthewife on Wed, 05/23/2012 - 11:16am

I am a teacher and both ODD and ADHD are very tough to work with.

The ODD is probably your biggest enemy here. They child strong arms everyone into their way or the highway.

I read an EXCELLENT book on ODD when I received the school's problem child with ODD. He did not finish the year at our school. He got expelled. So I can relate to your frustrations.

Let me find that book and I will post back the name. If you haven't read it...please think about it. It includes some GREAT parent stories of what they did to their little punks and they just might bring a smile to your face. It also gives good solid advice on how to deal with the child.

As a teacher who has dealt...simply put. The word is NO. Be fair, firm, and consistent. And keep the meds for now...but meds for ADHD are really only to help a child through school. They do not solve the overactivity or impulsivness...unfortunately!

Hang in there!

imthewife's picture

Submitted by imthewife on Wed, 05/23/2012 - 11:20am

OK...here's the book:

The Defiant Child: A Parent's Guide to Oppositional Defiance Disorder by Dr. Douglas A. Riley

It's available through Amazon for about $10 bucks.

BTW: Children of lazy, divorced parents are the MOST COMMON diagnosed children.

In fact...I should have stated that I had two ODD students, two years in a row...and BOTH were expelled during my year. BOTH were boys and the parents were divorced and in HORRIBLE divorce situations.

One mom NEVER sent the kid lunch or addressed his horrific behavior. The second boy's mom was separated from dad and had all kinds of problems and was basically too into herself to care...

This book helped me deal for the several months I had the second kid...hope it helps you if you have not read it already!

imthewife's picture

Submitted by imthewife on Wed, 05/23/2012 - 11:24am

And again...sorry to post so much...

This child does NOT need to go on your vacation. Kids with ODD need strict and firm consequences.

If DH doesn't like it, too bad. These are the kids that end up in juvenile hall. You already stated she has stolen and gets into people's stuff and does property damage...all YOUR responsibility until more is done to help her. Let DH know that!

ODD kids need severe psychological intervention. I could tell some stories of the crap my two students pulled. I was very fortunate to have them expelled...they were enough to enact a career change!

IaaBS's picture

Submitted by IaaBS on Wed, 06/06/2012 - 9:51am

I agree that she did not need to go on our vacation but I let her go and I am glad I did. I am SHOCKED, appalled, and disappointed at DH. I see very clearly what the problem is and it is her parents. First, I think she has been misdiagnosed. At 12 she did not have the mental capacity to understand how to open and fly a kite, difficulty understanding how to get in and out of the gate to the pool, asked if the hospital was the condo we were staying at when we passed it, did not understand restaurant etiquette, these are some examples. That is when I realized her social skills and cognitive skills are so underdeveloped that she is unable to be as defiant as I thought she was, she really can not understand. I could have more freedom by letting my boys run around together but that left her in the condo watching tv because her dad didnt want to take her. It was me who took her to the beach, pool and interacted with her. He took my daughter fishing on the pier and deep sea fishing leaving her with me. I found out she never been to a McDonald's playland!, who hasnt taken their child to play there, I was floored. I got a clear picture that Mom AND Dad do not interact with her. When I say she has literally spent her life in front of the television with very little outside stimulus I am not exaggerating.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:06pm

My son was diagnosed ODD & ADHD. No meds. I won't give him drugs. I'd say the first 8 to 9 years of his life were torture for me. He is now 14. Plays various sports at HS, has a personal trainer and with a LOT of discipline and consequences my son has become pretty "normal." Sports have been his saving grace. It has forced him to learn control, teamwork and responsibility. Sounds like this girl needs some serious discipline. Sorry to hear that you're dealing with this, it is hard enough when it's your own kid, I can't even imagine it being someone elses.

IaaBS's picture

Submitted by IaaBS on Wed, 06/06/2012 - 9:53am

I have volunteered to take her volleyball but her mom said she couldn't afford the gas to drive her on her days said "besides you signed her up you take her"

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:28pm

My ss14 is adhd and odd. He sounds alot like your sd. He is very loud, demanding, and bossy. He is also very immature for his age and very whiny. He is the size of a 10 year old, but thinks he is very tough and can beat everyone up. He steamrolls everyone in an effort to get his way. He yells, yells, yells constantly. Everyday all day long. He breaks everything. His hygiene is very poor.

He is never wrong, someone else is to blame, even when you witness him doing mean things to others-it's always an accident, he was only joking, it was all in good fun.

He too has stolen from all of us (mine, my dd14, and ds13's underwear)-money, jewelry. He yells at the dog it calls it a "stupid freak". He alientates everyone around him. Seriously. He has one friend. His own bm wont take him back. He lived with my mil for 7 months until she couldnt take him any longer.

The only difference is he doesnt ask me for anything. I've told him the answer is ALWAYS going to be NO unless you change your behavior. He has no desire to change his behaviors so I am NEVER going to say yes to anything he asks me.

The thing is the kid is clueless. He is miserable. I know he is-but he has no concept that he is the cause of his own misery. In his eyes, he is such a victim and that every single person that's in his life just treats him like crap and he cant understand why. He thinks he is the only one in our house that does any work (which he does less than anyone), he refuses to do anything that could be construed as something for someone else, yet expects everyone to accommodate him. He appears to have no thought or feeling for anyone but himself.