I am the source to his problems...
So remember how I said I was going to stay at my parents last weekend? It never happened. I came home on Friday to another argument. I told SS14 not to light the wood stove, to wait until his father came home. He insisted and did it anyway. When FH came home I told him to remind SS that he is not to light the wood stove and it all went down hill from there.
FH and SS14 got into this huge fight (ofcourse about respect and everything else that has to do with me)I tried to stay out of it but every word out of his mouth was about how this is all my fault and how I start everything. Long story short we ended up going talking with BM mom. It was the first time it was all four of us in the same room. She was very receptive and didn't fight back, but something tells me she's getting a kick out of our house being chemistry being a wreck. SS14 told his mother and father that they don't know how I am when they're not around and that he wished they could put a camera. He also said that I was a big baby and very sensitive, annoying, etc...basically the route of all his problems. I didn't know what to say other than please put a camera so you can see. I was mortified. I haven't been able to sleep and I can't seem to even look at him. He never came home on sunday and when monday came along he didn't have a key to the house. I had to go home after work when I was planning on running around until FH got home. Well, SS14 begged to come with me and I couldn't say no because then it would look like I was being spiteful (i've been accused of that before). So he came with me and I could barely contain myself. I wanted to talk to him about it and I knew if I mentioned it, it would have become another fight, because he's never wrong. He says things then when he sees he's wrong he'll say that not what I meant that not what I said, bla, bla, bla, he never shuts up!
It's been 5 days since the incident and I still can't even look at him. How can everyone just keep on with life and not see that there's a problem. I've chosen to stay away from him and not say or do anything.
Yesterday his interim reports from school came in and I didn't even ask about them. I didn't make dinner (I got so much grief for that) I was told I was holding a grudge and that I was being spiteful by my FH...I feel so alone. I try talking to FH about it but he gets so defensive and upset. He says its all his fault or that I have something against SS14. I can't win. I know its not about winning, but I know I'm not crazy, what do I do? I'm having a really hard time being in the same room as SS14 my stomach is in knots all the time.
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I think some of what he's
I think some of what he's going through is typical teenager stuff. Teens are good at giving adults a hard time, that's for sure!
Have you ever considered family counseling for all 3 of you?
I agree he is 14 and believe
I agree he is 14 and believe me they always think they are right! I know that you are having a hard time getting through this conflict, you must be a soft hearted person. That is why they say you are holding a grudge---becuz you are still upset and they are over it.
Next time they say that I would respond "I am not like you two, I can't get into a fight with people I care about or have them say nasty things about me and just let it go" "it still really bothers me"
That is the truth right? Be honest with them
Oh my gosh!!! I feel so bad
Oh my gosh!!! I feel so bad for you. I live with my SO and his two kids. SD14 and SS12. I have packed all my stuff and left because I just couldn't handle all the stress of raising kids that are not mine. The last time I did that was the day before my bday. SO kids told him that I am always mad at them and I talk with a tone to them. Uh yeah, I'm going to talk to them with a tone and get mad at them when they are breaking the rules and not doing what they have to do. I'm going to get even more upset if I have to repeat the same bullshit to them over and over. SO said he was tired of being in the middle, I told him he didn't have to be in the middle they are his kids. So I left. I was gone for about two weeks and I came back after a long talk with SO. We sat down with the kids and SO told them that he wants for us to be a family and they have to give me the same respect that they give him and other adults.
SS12 is extremely stubborn and argumentative. I tell him to be quiet and he keeps on talking. I have to yell at him to shut up!!! I have walked away from him and he follows me and calls my name over and over. SD14 now does not know when to shut up. When she has done something wrong and we want to talk to her calmly she turns that into an argument. Finally, within the past few months my SO has started to discipline them more. Skids are NOT used to that. I have to explain to them that in a household with 2 parents both parents have the right to discipline you if you are not listening to one of them. That parent will take it to other parent and they will take over. SS is having trouble understanding that.
I don't know how you sat there while your SS14 said all those hurtful things about you. Why does he hate you so much? I need to read your blogs. You need to stay away from your FH and SS until they have both learned how to respect you. I know its not easy to do that. Like I said I have been there before. Your FH needs to man up and teach his son some respect. What do you plan on doing now?
I can't blame you for not
I can't blame you for not wanting to spend any time with him. Afterall he is incredibly disrespectful to you and his parents don't seem to discourage it. Put a camera up, indeed. You and your DH need to set up some house rules that you each can agree on and what the consequences will be for violations. After you have discussed it, bring the little terror in and both of you discuss what is expected of him with chores, school, behavior, and the rules of the house. Then let him what will happen if he disobeys any of the rules. Once you guys have done that, your FH has to stand with you even if he disagrees.
Once you both are alone you can discuss what you didn't agree on and work on fixing it for the future, but for God's sake don't argue about it in front of this kid because you know he will use it against you guys and play both ends against the middle.
If your FH is not willing to do this, you really need to evaluate this relationship before you progress to marriage.
Do exactly what you would do
Do exactly what you would do if SS14 wasn't there. If you would normally cook dinner, cook it. Disengaging doesn't have to mean be spiteful, it just means do not pay attention or let SS14 affect you. Don't ask about his grades or anything else to do with him. Do whatever it is you would do without him around.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"