Rules? What rules?
Yesterday was trade-off day and, once again, SS had a brand new outfit, new $120 shoes (when he hadn't outgrown the last $120 pair) and an Apple Watch.
Nice life, I guess.
I was already feeling frustrated. The "no food or drink upstairs" rule is still in effect, but we found an empty candy box in his room. (We had noticed the box was missing from the pantry). DH called him on it and then told him we would be instituting random room checks for the next three months. If he goes three months without violating the rule and if he follows instructions (put away your clean clothes), doesn't lie about things and stays on top of school work, we can discuss modifications to the rule. If he violates, he's charged a fine and the three months start over.
As usual, SS just stood there, staring blankly, with his face getting red like he was about to cry.
I applaud DH trying a new approach, but I'm not optimistic even this will work. It's a simple rule, but he's been violating it for two years now. Honestly, I think he has an attitude of "If I want to do something, I'm going to do it."
My therapist said it sounds like SS is a kid with very strong emotions, who doesn't know how to process them. That's why he just stands there turning red. Both his parents have dealt with anger issues, so that wouldn't surprise me. It sounds like the motto since his infancy has been "don't upset SS -- keep him happy." Does kids no favors, in my opinion. DH is finally moving out of that mindset (he still lapses, though), but BM and her family are still pacifying him. The kid has no idea how to cope with discomfort or hearing the word "no." Boggles my mind that well-educated, successful people see nothing wrong with coddling a child to the point he has no respect for rules and can't cope with regular life. Whatever. I don't have control. I just don't want any potential fallout to negatively impact me.
Maybe everything will be great. Maybe he'll overcome faulty parenting, I hope so. But so far, every one of my instincts and predictions has been right on the money.
On the school front, DH told BM he doesn't like any of the private school options and, for now, he's not interested in moving SS. She said she'd tell her parents they're not interested, but made it clear she wants to move him before high school.
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Comments
How old?
How old is your SS?
He's 12.5. Old enough to
He's 12.5. Old enough to understand and follow rules. But it's also a difficult age, if memory serves.
It sounds as if, not only
It sounds as if, not only would they be paying for the school, but also rewarding BM for complying...
The Apple watch and $120
The Apple watch and $120 shoes/outfit...these kids are so spoiled. SD14 just got her hair highlighted when she was with Crazy, and she gets her nails done every 5 weeks, sometimes even less than 5 weeks. I think that is absolutely ridiculous. I didn't get my hair highlighted until I was early 20's and then I paid for it. A friend of mine also just took her 6th grade daughter to get highlights, which blows my mind. Why are parents enabling young kids to need/want these non-essential frills for their appearance?? It's hard enough being a kid without them thinking they need to have hair and nails done also. How are they going to afford this stuff when they are in college and starting out after? I don't even get my nails done as an adult.
Rant over. But at least your DH is trying to instill consequences, I always feel happy reading that because so often they are Disney Dad's that refuse to change...
Yeah, SS12 better have a good
Yeah, SS12 better have a good job. Though his track record in school recently puts that in question. His grandparents, though, would probably just support him (if they're still alive and haven't gone bankrupt from supporting their own failure to launch son).
A couple of years ago, SS broke his iPad when he lost a game. Guess what BM did? Went and bought him the latest model. She bought him the original one, so that was her business, but DH and I were dumbfounded.
Same!
That happened here also. SS was around 12 and when he was with Crazy once we got a message from her saying "SS's phone fell off the entertainment center and he accidentally kicked it and it broke", and she would be dropping it off in our mailbox and SS was crying and soo afraid of what DH would do to him and that DH would hit him (please- DH doesn't punish SS and he certainly never once has touched the kids). So DH took that at face value and immediately hopped on the phone to order SS a new phone. The next day we got the phone out of the mailbox and it was absolutely crushed. It looked like it had been ran over by a car, it was shattered and the frame was bent everywhere. Definitely did not "Fall off an entertainment center and accidentally gotten kicked". We were positive he had lost a video game and threw it (repeatedly) or it did get run over somehow. Either way, it was clearly a lie, but DH just asked SS, who continued the lie, and that was the end of it. He still got a new phone and DH even made SD give SS her phone at night when she went to bed, because heaven forbid SS not have a phone for a few hours. Zero punishment. Unreal.
I'm reminded of an incident
I'm reminded of an incident from several years ago. DH and I were newly married and it was Christmastime. DH decided to take SS (then almost 6) to get a nutcracker, as he had gotten one at that age and still had it.
We got to the department store and DH told SS he could choose from any of the ones on the table. SS kept dawdling and kept walking over to some other nutcrackers -- much bigger and more expensive. They were way bigger than DH had in mind and finally reminded him, firmly, that he needed to choose one from the table, not one of the 2-foot-tall ones. SS turned red and started stomping his feet. DH said, "fine. Let's just go." SS calmed down, chose one and seemed happy. (I would have followed through on leaving, but whatever.)
A week later, he comes back from BM's clutching the big nutcracker he'd been eyeing.
That's the way it goes. He never hears "no." Why? Because he's smart and knows not to bother asking us. He can ask BM or XILs and will always get a yes.
I think I am still team
I think I am still team boarding school.. these fights would be ones that the school could have on your behalf.. it would probably do the kid some good.
It would certainly make my
It would certainly make my life easier and more pleasant! Too bad there's zero chance of either parent agreeing to it.
Never pull the write up.... So to speak.
A coompany I worked for a number of hears ago would pull disciplinary write ups after some random period of time determined by the supervisor of the miscreant employee.
I arrived and took over a struggling team. It did not take long for me to determine that shifting the crap just before a management team move was common practice. The only thing in employee files was commendations and reviews. No review was worse than a 3. So, I set up meetings with each of my team members two former managers. I had already IDd the crap and the meetings with their former managers just gave me clarity on how deep the shit pool was on the shit employees.
So, I would do write ups and keep them in the file. I also duplicated the employee files, scanned them, saved pdfs of them, an sent it all to HR for inclusion in their personnel file. It was a difficult new world when the employee under a write up would ask to speak with me. When they knocked on my office door for our sit down the invariable quesiton was how long would the write up stay in their file. I told them... it was part of their permanent record and that I would not tolerate them doing a great job for a duration of a write up, pull the write up, then go through it all again once they felt they had reset their get out of jail free card. I had a number of talks with my boss, my 2up boss, the HR director, and even the VP when the shit birds would whine about not getting the reprimand pulled from their file.
All of the Sr. meetings I had ended the same way. I outlined the history of the shit birds, explained that their past managers all knew they were shit bird, had written them up, the pulled the write ups after some period of time. And.. the shit birds being shit birds, repeated their crap and were shuffled off to the whatever manager had not yet been shit on by the shit birds.
Not me.
So, company policy became writes ups are a permant part of personnel files. And ... POOF... the number of repeat shit bird incidents became nearly zero.
IMHO, kid behaviors are similar. Escalating consequences work. Do-over resets rarely work.
SInce the isn't trust worthy. Don't trust him. He earns trust with years of trustworthy performance. Not weeks. Or months.
IMHO and experience of course.
IMHO of course.