Annnd again — what a week
Last night, DH decided to stop off on the way to SS13's baseball game and let him pick out a sports drink for the game and some candy for after. (Given SS's recent attitude and behavior, I wouldn't have done that, but whatever, he's trying to connect.) The game was stormed out. They came home. SS consumed some of both, then DH told him to put both away before going to bed.
This morning, they went to SS's bowling and when checking something in the fridge, I discovered -- yep, no drink. Empty bottle and candy wrapper in his bed. And this is the fantastic part: spit in two places on the floor. I was disgusted, revolted, livid.
When I got home from the store, they were back and DH could tell something was wrong. I told him. He blew his stack.
He stormed up there, asked where the drink and candy were. Asked him what exactly made him think it was ok to spit on the floor and ordered him to put every single electronic device he has left except for his toothbrush in the hall. Get cleaning.
He's also going to tell him that from now on, every time something like this happens, no electronics and no trips to the gym with BM. He texted BM and told her there are major issues over here and outlined the punishment (so she knows SS isn't coming over for a while).
Whatever. After this last week, I'm at the end of my rope -- and it seems like DH might actually be getting there too. Maybe he's at last seeing that his way of doing things isn't working? I'm not holding my breath.
- Hastings's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I would have filled a bucket
I would have filled a bucket of water and had SS put all of his electronics in it. Then I would have put it in the freezer after it has soaked long enough to ensure that it would never work again. Then later, I would put the frozen block of electronics in a festive plastic gift bag with a big bow and given it to the kid at a particularly opportune major message moment.
One thing that we did to get SS's attention regarding behavioral issues was having him select cards blindly from his different fantasy card decks then have him torch them. Lies? Flaming cards. Not turning in homework?. Pick a card, etc. Of course every card was the most favorite, most powerful, etc.... Make better choices kids. Or... say bye to what you value.
Spit? Eww no no no. I would
Spit? Eww no no no. I would be livid too.
Your DH is the problem
SS Will not be seeing the light of day. Punishment to stay in and clean his room, soap and water . No electronics,, no phone, like a week or two, this is total disrespect,,, maybe off his sport team. If SH doesn't do SOMETHING, now it's going to get worst. He has to show him, DH is in charge. Or state a lawer funds to keep SS out of jail. You will need $ thousands.
Well, he made SS clean his
Well, he made SS clean his room and bathroom top to bottom. He handed him his electronics as he dropped him back off at BM's. (She or her parents bought most of them, so he wasn't keeping them.)
He also informed him that he would not be going to the gym with BM (which he loves) on DH's weeks until DH sees a real change in attitude and behavior. SS was furious. Too bad.
BM was supportive of DH's punishments. He thought she might push back or say he was being too harsh. I'm not too surprised, though. I get the impression she doesn't like SS's attitude or behavior either. She's just less inclined to do anything about it. So, she's thrilled when DH takes on the bad guy role.
As for the future -- yeah, that's one of my fears. For years I warned DH that the behaviors we were seeing could turn into very serious problems unless addressed. Nothing. To protect my sanity, I just vent here.
I doubt the consequences will pay off, though. SS never seems to learn lessons. He just sees himself as the put-upon victim.
Forcing a kid to do what they
Forcing a kid to do what they should do is not punishment. Neither is returning something taken away after a short time.
When we invoked the no electronics consequence, it lasted from grade 7 until 8mos after he graduated from HS. Which is when he reported to USAF basic training.
If that SKid were mine, he never touch another electronic pacifier again and if he fails to not keep his room and bathroom clean, he should be living a life of escalating abject misery.
Chores should not be rewarded, nor should they be used as punishment. Chores are the duty and contribution a kid makes to the household. Chores are not cleaning up after themselves. Cleaning up after themselves is not a variable, it is a given. If they choose to not clean up after themselves, it is a game on of pure hell and displeasure.
Chores are things like doing the dishes and putting them away after a family dinner, cleaning the floors in the entire house, mowing the yard, etc....
Punishments are more along the lines of inane zero joy things like writing countless hours sentences, moving tons of gravel bck and forth across the property with nothing but buckets, a shovel, and a pair of work gloves for countless hours.
IMHO of course.
He probably thought he could
He probably thought he could treat his room like his personal baseball dugout ... spitting everywhere, throwing trash around like some random maid/janitor will clean it later, etc.
*Sidenote I'm convinced Disney parents and their no-home training kids think the step mom is the free live-in maid/janitor
Good thing your husband corrected him.
Probably so. BM has a
Probably so. BM has a cleaning person come in a couple of times a week and, to my knowledge, he doesn't have to pick up after himself there. But he's old enough to know the difference.
Apparently, he does have a chore at BM's: he takes the trash out. For that, he's paid $40 a week. Silly us. DH and I thought there are some things you're just expected to do as part of the household.
With a BM like that, no
With a BM like that, no wonder this kid is a POS.
Yep
And don't be fooled by BM supposedly in agreement with punishment. If she's anything like the Girhippo aka most HCGUBMs, it's likely she told him to be on his worst behavior at your house. The more SS acts out, the less likely he will have to continue to go to your house. She was probably abused and delighted at the spitting incident. I'm positive the Girhippo was elated that the HousesHitter, at the time stb 7 literally defecated all over my house on purpose.
She will tell SS that she doesn't agree with mean old ogre DH and Hastings and the PAS will accelerate.
Possibly. Who knows at this
Possibly. Who knows at this point. I've always gotten the sense that she values her kid-free weeks and in no way, shape or form wants him full-time. But that could change. I always thought she coddled him, spoiled him and gave into him because it was easier (no dealing with his attitude or tantrums). If that's true, the result will be the same -- PAS on purpose or by accident. Part of me hopes she doesn't want full custody, because then she'll be super unhappy when he starts to demand he live with her.
SS had baseball practice yesterday. In the morning, the app showed she'd confirmed he would be there. Then, after he got to her house, she changed it to say he wouldn't be. I know some of you will think "if he's been a jerk, he shouldn't get to go to practice." He doesn't enjoy practice, so going isn't exactly a reward. DH sees it as fulfilling a commitment. Anyway, it's pretty obvious he told her he didn't want to go, so she didn't make him. Whatever. He's her problem for the week.