Honestly, I would take a "me" vacation if I was you. Do you have Bio's at home? I am sorry I can't remember. If you don't take a week next week and go. Go stay with your mom or bounce around and visit some friends but go. Tell your H that you will be back in a few days. Don't give details. Just go. 

If you aren't worth consulting on this, he isn't worth consulting on your trip.That is exactly how I would phrase it. I am an equal partner in my marriage. You should be too. As wives it is our husbands job to make us feel safe and secure. They are supposed to be our partners. You H is belittling you and making you feel "less".

We all took vows that said "foresaking all others" - our paster even stated that meant our children during the cermony. Counseling before hand we discussed the differences of wants and needs of children.This is a case of your SD wants to come home. No one is telling her no. That her needs are met in her dorm. That her classes are paid for and she will do her job as a student to get good grades and finish this semester. The end. If she wants to come home after the semester she better have a job and a plan becasue she is an adult now and drop outs aren't welcome. 

On a non-serious note... Punch him in the face and tell him to stop being BM's and SM's little b****.

On another note. He needs a reality check. As I've told my DH, it's an all or nothing kind of deal. Either you see me as another parent and I'm treated as such, or I'm nothing. But as nothing, I'm not a glorified babysitter. NOPE!

I think your SD is acting spoiled and needs to be told no. EVERYTHING IS PAID FOR. COLLEGE IS NOT CHEAP! She should be there for the MINIMUM of the semester. And then have to figure things out like an actual adult if she still wants to drop out so bad! Everyone bending over and meeting "for" her is ridiculous!

DH should not be meeting With BM at all, The kid is 18,  they are still playing “ Happy Family” and you are not part of it.  Writing is on the wall.  You are not important!.  I am sorry for you,    Disengage from SD. She is NOT living in your home !!!  You will not give her any money in an way shape of.  No car, no trips ect.

R-U-N-N-O-F-T

-Oh Brother Where Art Thou

I am going to be the lone dissenter here I guess.  From glancing at your other posts, your SD is having some problems... dropping out of school.. etc.  Whether she is 18 or not, she is still both of their children and they both are obviously going to be concerned about her.  She will still be their baby even when she is forty..lol.  If, let's say, she was dealing with a drug addiction or in an abusive relationship, I can absolutely see her parents wanting to present a united front of support to try to get her help.  Now, does that mean that you and BM's SO should be included?  I guess it can go either way.  If the spouses have a good relationship with the EX.. and have been super involved in raising the child for an extended amount of time, I don't think it would be bad for them to be included.  However, if the relationship is HC.. I think the presence of the new spouses could be a distraction to the parents from the core issue.. the child.

Does that mean that the new spouses shouldn't have the opportunity to give their SO input?  No, absolutely not.  the new spouse should be able to give their SO advice or help them brainstorm solutions.  After all, some of those solutions may impact that new spouse's household in some way.  So, absolutely you should have a right to provide your two cents.  But ultimately this is an issue for the bio parents to deal with.  In fact, in a HC situation, a good solution from someone "outside the circle of trust" may be dismissed out of hand because of the source.  So, you and your DH discuss things and he goes to the meeting prepared with ideas and what he is willing to do.... that fall within an acceptable spectrum for you his wife.

I don't think this in any way is playing happy family.  The situation is anything BUT happy.  The child needs help/direction and her parents are the logical people to do that.  Sure, would have been better done when she was under 18, but you are where you are now.. so that is what they are dealing with.

Honestly I believe this is one of those situations where we as step parents can set our ego aside and let our spouse do the right thing for their child.. even if it means meeting with their EX to discuss it without new spouses present.  This isn't the same thing as a child's wedding invitation where the new spouse would be wrong to be excluded.  This is a crisis of their child and the two parents are the ones that should be doing the heavy lifting... 

So, in your case, I think that disengaging is the solution if you don't feel that you can at least discuss the situation with your DH.  I think he got defensive because your push to be included or stop him made him feel that in some way you don't trust him to have this meeting like a mature adult.

This would not bother me IF I knew that both parents had the same line of thinking and were actually going to do what was best for the kid.

In this case, they need to be a united front and convince her to give it a shot and stay in college. They need to make that the most appealing option and not coddle her and encourage her to just quit because she wants to. In fact, I would be insisting that she pay that money back, for starters.

Do you have ANY idea what is going on in your husband's and BM's head concerning SD's college education? Are they both willing to just let her do what she wants? Have you and your husband discussed this, at all, or are just being left out completely?

The real problem in your situation is that you can't trust your husband. His daughter's WANTS (not what is best for her), and him being a Disney dad, come first, before you and your marriage. You don't know what decisions your husband is going to make, but you know that he is going to make them without thinking about you.

What they are planning is a captured audience with a controlled environment. 

The parents are going to sit her down where SD can not really get away nor toss a huge drama scene aka public setting. Anything a young lady hates worse than being told the whats and hows things in reality are, is being made to look or act the fool.

I 'get' the request of the parent/kid conference. What I certainly don't get is why your DH is being such an *ss to you about it. No wife would appreciate the idea of her husband having a meal out with the ex wife. Him blaming you for his f-ed up daughter is BS. Him not taking into consideration the 'icky' feel you have over a seemingly cozy little breakfast with x and daughter and instead fighting with you over your feelings is helping how you feel about it all. 

They do have things to discuss , but they also have things they must present to their daughter. she's being packed off to live with the grandparents. You bet your buns this teen needs to have to expectations and whats and hows laid out to her. And it is best if Dad and Mom show an united front. One where this young lady clearly knows this is last chance and she is absolutely not to take advantage of the grandparents. In fact, she should have a job and pay the grandparents rent (along with both BM and Dad also being sure the parents and the brat are the ones footing cost of food et.

But why can't you attend? If not sit in on the actual show down, at least sit and have breakfast with DH. Perhaps you and Dh already sitting  enjoying breakfast and towards the end in walks BM and SD. Dh could get up and go sit for the discussion leaving you to finish and either enjoy more coffee or wonder out to a shop nearby.

You don't necessarily have to join the discussion where the parents rip her and lay out the 'new rules'  ( if one, if there is already tension and discord between SD and you, shell be angry you get to watch and listen to her get scolded). But on the other hand, if any of the discussion is to be about you, you could, IMO, sit in during that initial part. The point is, the parents of this young lady (and you also if you have had parental type role with SD) need to show all adults figures are in agreement an on the same page. But in any case, if SD sees Dad and you sitting enjoying breakfast as she and BM walk in, she would know the three adults are all in support together of what is about to occur.

I've caught some of your past blogs , not all of them or in full, but for DH to treat you as if you are to blame for his daughter's poor behavior and/or foolish actions/decisions is crazy.   

And as to the possibility of 'family breakfast' becoming the norm? I sincerely doubt SD is going to want any more breakfast with Mom and Dad after she gets all the whats and hows and no ifs nor buts during this one.

This isn't suppose to be a causal social happy outing, right? The young lady should be leaving this meeting knowing full well she is on her last and final chance and if she doesn't pull herself together , everyone is done trying to 'help' her. 

If you don't attend perhaps it might be worth the suggestion that prior to the meeting BM and Dad exchange agenda sheets. Where they exchange topics and how they agee to present and deal with the topics. I would think your input on Dad's ideas for presentation would be valuable . As I said this needs to be a united. 

Oh Geez. 

My SD turned 18 in May...and she was absolutely horrid from 17-18, her whole senior year. No direction, no ambition...lots of entitlement. She didn't drop out of school, but she did expect DH and me to fork out 40K for a college no questions asked because a boy she liked was going there. Yeah. That didn't happen. 

Now she's sitting out a year between high school and college because she couldn't get her act together and present a reasonable alternative to her 'dream school' (a kinda crappy state school that's only so expensive because it's on the coast and room and board is pricey.) 

All last year, DH kept making meeting plans for him, BM, and me to sit down with YSD and discuss her plans for the future. None of these meetings did any good...and I felt like they were a huge waste of my time and energy on a kid who wanted nothing to do with our advice. I would have been so happy if DH had kept it 'in the family' so to speak and just met with BM and YSD. Though I did get the chance to tell her that she was acting spoiled and entitled in front of both of her parents and have them nod along (and thank me afterward for being so direct and straightforward with her). Seriously, though. we did about 5 or 6 of these 'family meetings' and no good came of any of them. 

Consider yourself lucky. Let your DH try to sort out his kid. It probably won't work...she'll have to find her ambition and purpose on her own...and it has nothing to do with his Ex. 

There is no need for them to meet in person. My stepkids had their share of problems growing up and not once did my DH meet with BM over any of  it. They took care of it over the phone or email. And while dropping out of college is not a great thing, it's certainly not some kind of emergency that you need to treat like an intervention.  And if your BM is anything like ours, she's going to make all the decisions anyway so why is she insisting on meeting with your DH? Nope. And for him to say you're making a big deal over nothing is bull. Why do all of our DH's do this? It's like it's just a general male trait to think that your wife having to constantly deal with someone you used to sleep with is no big deal.   Yet all of us know, 10000% that if we had an ex that we met up with or talked to so much or had such conflict with and let him trample us, it would not fly at all! 

I agree with the others that your only choice is to disengage completely. No money, rides, lending cars, etc. and if you can't afford to have her move in, your DH needs to know that. It will be extra food, hot water, electricity. My adult SS moved in with us 8 years ago and was a slug for the first few months and I was pissed. We didn't pay for anything for him as far as his expenses (except food), but he did move in with the understanding that we got a bigger place specifically because he was moving in, and he would pay for that. He had no job for 6 months (nor was he making much effort to find one) and I told DH his rent was going to pile up. I wasn't going to let it slide, he was going to pay us back when he got a job. Luckily DH agreed. Out of desperation SS joined a clinical trial that paid a few thousand dollars and paid us back, and then ended up going back to the job he quit in our old town. I can't imagine if my DH had just let it all go and not demanded his son work, like I have a feeling yours will. Adults should work.  I have every intention of making my own kids work, so it's not a step thing. Every adult should be responsible and if she's not going to school, she needs to find a job and a way to support herself. I'm sure it's in your old blogs but why won't BM take her back? Why are you so awful for not wanting her when her own mom doesn't? Stand your ground. Having a lazy stepkids move in SUCKS. I was so ready to ship him back to BM's after a few months of his nonsense. Fortunately for me he shaped up and now he's actually finally moving out at age 28, but look how long that took. And that was with DH only being like 50% Disney dad.

You need to know your role?

Time and time again, this man has shown you what is important to him...and it's not you.

For dinner meeting.  You are not good to pay anything.  DH has to pay 2/3 of all family bills. Then what ever is leftover can go to SD college.  Hope BM is paying At least 1/2 of her DD total collage expenses.  Hope SM is not just trying to bankrupt you. Her sitting doing nothing and you payed all expenses???   You have to lay it out for DH.  This is a hill to died on. Or this will go on the rest of your life.  BM coating you money,  car, house, living money wedding maybe one or two or three.