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It never ends with the skids

Happycamper's picture

Submitted by Happycamper on Wed, 03/04/2020 - 7:01am

First of all, I want to say that since we don't get the skids EOW, DH and I are getting along SO much better! He takes them to dinner the same day every week. They are invited over but are always too busy. Well all of a sudden, DH gets a call from SD20. She has to come over because she is distraught missing her daddy. If you've followed me in the past, this girl treats me differently when he's not around, he things she's a perfect angel, she has the mini wife problem going, no job, etc. She only takes 2 classes and sits on her butt. Everyone around her treats her like a princess and handles her with kid gloves for some reason. Anywho, I sat there listening to them talk. He left her mom 8 years ago. She complaining because he doesn't live in the same house with them. I'm having to listen to him tell her he will never go back to her mom. He had to go back through why they got a divorce in the first place. Mom has a live in boyfriend of 5 years. She doesn't like him. I'm sure it's because he's not dad. She treats him like she treats him. She refuses to acknowledge him then she gets mad because he doesn't dote over her. I totally get it! It's hard when she treats you that way and it's not your child! Then DH pisses me off when he tells her that if I weren't loving towards her, he wouldn't stay married to me! Like what?! Why are you even bringing me and our marriage into this. Now he's walking on egg shells worried about her. We have one night a week we have been doing for years where it's OUR night. We go on a date out to dinner. Well guess who has started calling during the date? SD20. Now he talks to her during dinner and the whole way home. She always gets what she wants. She wants more of daddy and he will give it to her. I can honetly say that I felt weird towards DH yesterday. I can't even explain it. I think it has me starting to put up a wall because I fear that she is going to be first no matter what. She's 20 guys with NO plans for her future. She would be happy living at home forever and that's no exaggeration. Any advice?

Comments

Happycamper's picture

Submitted by Happycamper on Wed, 03/04/2020 - 8:39am

I heard him tell her several times that we were on a date and she just went on and on asking questions about what the movie was about and whether she should go see it, etc.

Happycamper's picture

Submitted by Happycamper on Wed, 03/04/2020 - 8:19am

I'm really struggling with the fact that he told her that he wouldn't be with me if I didn't love and get along with her (he never aired his and his ex's dirtly laundry with the kids) and the fact that 8 years later he's still having to tell her that daddy isn't coming back home to mommy. That just makes me feel so dang awkward!!!!!

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Wed, 03/04/2020 - 10:50am

I think I'd have offered him a divorce right then and there (after SD was gone, of course). I don't think he'd want it and it might make him see the bullshit he was spewing.  He needs to walk on eggshells around you, not her, when he's saying stupid stuff like that.

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Wed, 03/04/2020 - 8:56am

I'd have so many issues with your H and you need to tell him how you feel, tell him your expectations and based on how he acts you will treat him accordingly. First of all his 20 year old daughter needs to get through her thick head that he and her mother are no longer together. Its been 8 years and if she can't comprehend that, she needs therapy to figure it out. Every time she brings that up he needs to shut it down, its ridiculous already.

Number 2, him picking up calls while on date night with you and having a full fledge conversation is rude and should not be tolerated. I'd let him know that if he does that again you are walking out.

Number 3, he told SD he wouldn't be with you, if you didn't love her. I'd address that and make it known where you stand and him making that point really doesn't mean shit.

Find your voice and let him know OP, because he's allowing his daughter to get away with foolishness while you're on the sidelines watching.....address his @ss and let him know what's really good for him if he doesn't take care of home and his marriage.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Wed, 03/04/2020 - 9:57am

Not SD. He is allowing this to happen. He is not parenting his kid and closing down the nonsense.  You don't have to love SD.  Unfortunately it DH feels you must love SD to continue, it's time to start think about where your life is going.

This most likely never end, if at 20 SD importants is her father not her BF 

Happycamper's picture

Submitted by Happycamper on Wed, 03/04/2020 - 10:15am

Part of the problem is, she has NO BF. She has no friends. The kid always finds something wrong with people and this leaves her a loner. That's part of why she is so into her mom and dad. If she has friends or a boyfriend or even a job, she would be busy and not even be thinking about this stuff I'm sure.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Wed, 03/04/2020 - 12:14pm

Before you go out anywhere together, remind him that decent people who care about each other turn off their phones when they are on a date. Then ostensibly turn your off and do not leave until he does the same. Or better still, why not just leave them both at home? Sooooo much less stressful for all.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Wed, 03/04/2020 - 3:25pm

Happy, you've been around ST for a couple of years now. By now you know that your H has an unhealthy, enmeshed relationship with SD20. You also know you have a huge communication problem in your marriage, and that you have an H problem rather than a SD one. But have you accepted that this situation isn't likely to change? Ever?

Why are you willing to tolerate the poo that constantly swirls around this guy? Why are you so passive and accepting of poor treatment? The longer things stay as they are, the more unhappy you're going to be - and you might even end up having to sell your home to pay him off in a divorce. You could literally end up having to pay him for making you unhappy! You need good information, and a plan. Pease, please do these three things: 

  1. Use the ST search engine to find the blog of Evil3. Her story is very similar to yours, and she's come a long way. Evil has worked her butt off in therapy to learn, grow, and deal with her own issues that led to choosing to marry a man with a mini wife. She is an inspiration, and does a good job explaining how her past relates to her present. You could also pm her. You can learn a lot from Evil3 and get great support from her.
  2. Find a counselor for yourself. You need a professional who can be a sounding board, verify the unhealthy behaviors that exist, and help you understand why you've made the choices you have. A good therapist can also help you find your strength, teach you to be more assertive, and how to draw boundaries.
  3. Talk to a divorce attorney. Not necessarily because you're done, but because you need to know where you stand financially and how to protect yourself.

It's always easy to tell a poster to just leave/kick the SO out, but there are plenty of members here (myself included) who instead chose to address their own issues before giving up on the marriage. Work done on yourself is never wasted, regardless of what happens to the marriage. Like Evil, I found that working on myself gave me better tools to work on other things, and it ended up improving my relationship with my DH. Please consider my suggestions, Happy. You deserve better, but it all starts with you.

 

Happycamper's picture

Submitted by Happycamper on Wed, 03/04/2020 - 7:36pm

Thank you so much for this advice. I will definitely take it to heart. I'm looking up Evil 3 now to start. Thank you again!