Bedtime Disasters Still Happening!!!
So I took the advice of one of the ladies that posted to an earlier entry and attempted to just stop checking on SD5 after we put her in her room. The first night, the ONLY time I checked on her was when I heard her jumping up and down in her room and I sternly yelled at her for that since DH didn't even get up or care. UGH! SERIOUSLY? He was sitting right next to me and could hear it too!!! Seriously pisses me off. If he hadn't been sitting there I would have screamed at her and been tempted to swat her butt instead of just telling her off sternly. I was just happy that after that I didn't have to go in there and check on her. She was quiet afterwards and I just let her be.
Last night was a different story. I only went to check on her again (DH sitting RIGHT next to me AGAIN!) when I heard jumping. This time it wasn't until 10pm, 2 hours after her bedtime. So when I went over to her door, she was literally right there. Peeking out jumping up and down and watching tv. OOOOOOO did I get mad. Again, didn't actually scream because DH was 10 feet away. 5 minutes after I had yelled at her to get back in bed, I went back over and saw her playing with her hair or her face and she looked at me and said she couldnt sleep. I know it was hot last night but this hasn't been a problem for her before. I just told her to quit playing with her hair and quit playing with her face, close her eyes and actually TRY to go to sleep. 10 minutes later she was sleeping. When she actually tries, she goes to sleep quickly.
The other problem I should mention is that we don't have a set time to wake up this summer. She usually gets up around 8-8:30 and DH and I get up around 9. So unless one of us gets up early to wake her (which we honestly probably won't start doing until 2 weeks before school starts to get her into the new schedule) she can't actually see the consequences of not going to bed when she's told.
This morning: I come downstairs and after getting her breakfast, I asked her what her reason was for being out of bed again last night when I had told her that she wasn't to do it again. She just shrugged her shoulders. So I told her down at her level that it makes me VERY ANGRY that she got out of bed even though I told her not to do that. (3 days ago we had a talk together on her bed about when it's ok to be out of bed which in our house includes going potty, being scared from nightmares, or in an emergency and she had discussed these things with me). So after expressing with exaggeration that I was really angry with her last night I told her we are not leaving her night light on past reading time anymore, then asked what her punishment should be for getting out of bed if she does it again. She said she should take naps (and I said no because bedtime would be even worse) and asked if she should go to bed early. She shook her head, so I said that because she didn't like that idea that would be the punishment. Her eyes got wide because she didn't like it (and punishments shouldn't be liked) and then I told her that I'm tired of yelling at her for being naughty at bedtime so I'm done coming to check on her. Her eyes got so wide I thought they'd pop out of her head! (in a way that showed I had gotten to her).
I'm running out of ideas here. I will not get up early to wake her up to feel the consequences (besides I'm usually the first one up and feeding her and taking care of her anyway). DH obviously won't either cuz he doesn't give a shit if she's jumping around in her room and also doesn't care whether or not she gets the point the next day. I don't know if he even realizes that now is the time to be establishing good sleeping habits and making sure that when she's done reading she at least is TRYING to sleep by closing her eyes and laying still. I'm getting really fed up here. And I don't want to have the consequences start to happen as soon as school starts as she is just going into Kindergarten this year. And I've tried to get DH to care, but he just doesn't. HELP?!?!
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Ok, you need to take all of
Ok, you need to take all of her stuff out of her room. She doesn't need a tv in her room. There are clearly too many temptations. And I still think she is doing it to get a rise out of you. She probably did MANY other things to get you to come "check" on her and notice her and when you didn't she started jumping in an effort to rattle your cage. AND IT WORKED. In order for her to recognize you aren't going to check on her anymore, you have to resolve to refuse to check on her regardless.
Trust me, I know how hard this is. I get pissed at my SD when she intentionally breaks a rule and my first reaction is to yell and get pissed, but more often than not that is what she wants. She wants to push my buttons. So I have to restrain my urge to "put her in her place" and let her see that I don't care.
In the alternative (if you really can't deal with the jumping - and I totally understand if you can't), rather than sending her straight back to bed, make her stand in the corner. It will shock the shit out of her. Make her stand, facing the wall, for 10 minutes and then go back to bed. Stand there and make sure she stays in the corner if you have to.
Really yelling and sending her back to bed is no skin off her nose. She doesn't care. She has figured out that nothing more than yelling is going to happen if she breaks the rule, so make it more painful. Say "since you can't listen to me, you no longer have a tv, a bruch, etc." in your room. Then when she starts jumping, etc., very calmly go in her room (not yelling) take her to the corner and make her stand there.
We dont' have a bedtime issue. We have a mealtime issue. That was my "I want to scream and MAKE her listen to me". Wasn't working. We tried everything. Finally, I stopped saying anything. I eat. I do the dishes. She either eats in 30 minutes and gets dessert or she eats for as long as it takes and she washes her own dishes. No longer my problem.
Oh the tv is NOT in her room.
Oh the tv is NOT in her room. But when she peeks out the door she can see what we are watching.
I love the stand facing the wall idea. DH will hate it but since he doesn't care except when I give her consequences (and not care about the behavior itself, but how "mean" i'm being), how can he care when I do something to change what bothers me? I've threatened and actually taken the stuffed animals she is talking to before. It helps for when that's the only issue but I think you're right. If I do ignore everything, she won't feel the consequences of not listening other than the being ignored part. And the jumping really isn't ok. I'll try the standing facing the wall part tonight. But should I stay and watch her stand there? Cuz if I don't she will most certainly start doing something else...? Or should I make her stand in another room so she's not tempted by toys or being closer to us? I'm not sure how to implement this....
Also, I have put time limits on meals too when she's just dilly-dallying or playing with it. At the end of the time period I just take the food away. That works wonders.
if I could afford it I would
if I could afford it I would have a hidden camera placed in her room with a live feed to my computer.... but I can't do that.
Also to add, DH had slept on
Also to add, DH had slept on the couch last night due to the heat and never even woke up to get her breakfast this morning when she was up. I had to get it for her when I came downstairs at 9:30 (I had thought he was sleeping in bed with me and also thought he was already up with her so I let myself sleep in a little extra :)). This is to show how much he relies on me to be THE parent since he doesn't want to do it himself.
If he doesn't care about his
If he doesn't care about his kid, why are you putting so much effort into caring?
I mean, honestly, the kid is jumping up and down at 10 p.m. and he does nothing about it. That is lazy parenting at its finest. He was even down there with her and didn't stir himself to get her breakfast.
If that was a BM doing this crappy parenting, she'd be lambasted six ways to Sunday for being a shit parent.
If he doesn't care about his own kid and her well-being, were you put on this earth to ride to the rescuse and save him?
The thing is, I love this
The thing is, I love this litte girl. I'm the only one who really cares about her like a true parent should it seems. I can't just abandon her. Especially now. I'm the one she looks up to, I'm the one that sets the example for her, even though I'm seen as the bad guy sometimes, it has to be that way since no one else sets boundaries for her and actually has expectations for her. If I don't do this FOR HER (not necessarily for DH), not only would I just go batshit crazy, I would be watching her future go down the drain right in front of my eyes.... this is the reason I don't just give up completely and tell him I'm not dealing with her in any way, shape, or form anymore.
You husband is using your
You husband is using your feelings for his daughter to take advantage of you. He knows he can check out of parenting his child because you will step in and do his job.
You can love and want the best for your SD without allowing her father to use you.
THIS
THIS
*****
*****
Put her in a corner where she
Put her in a corner where she can't see / touch anything else. And don't leave the door cracked.
I can try this. I have
I can try this. I have contemplated the door cracked or not thing too. Do you think I should just close the door all the way if I hear her jumping around first, then if I hear it again put her in the corner? Or put her in the corner first?
I'd close the door when I put
I'd close the door when I put her in there. I would tell her that since she has shown you over the past few days that she doesn't want to follow the rules and therefore she has lost the priviledge of having the door cracked. She can reearn it if she can follow the rules for 2 consecutive nights. Then do the corner if you hear her jumping. Explain to her why she is there. Don't yell. Be matter of fact and stern.
thank you!
thank you!
When I explain to her I try
When I explain to her I try not to be wordy and try to be to the point and won't discuss it further after it has been discussed. I will try to not talk to her, that may be exasperating the problem... I like the earning back the toys thing.
As for the waking up, yeah, I would just get up with her but I've done that all the time. If anyone should get up with her it should be my DH and he won't. Especially since I do practically everything else. And when she wakes up I usually go downstairs and make her breakfast quickly and turn on cartoons for her to watch while she's eating. Then I lay back down and tell DH if he wants to get up with her he can, but again, he doesn't. Getting up isnt't the problem though, it's the going to bed part. And right now he's unemployed and I'm going to school full-time from home. So we're both here.
He does go to school
He does go to school actually, and since he's been on unemployment he's taken advantage of the free time to take more credits. But still, they are online courses just as mine are. He has been helping a little more today and cleaned the bathroom
also rearrange your
also rearrange your livingroom if possible so the tv is facing another way and she cannot see it. Turn down the volume as well so she cannot hear it.
Parenting takes lots of imagination and since you discovered she likes you checking on her then DON'T. Just let her stay up all night if she wants to and wake her at 8:30 no matter how much sleep she gets. She will finally get the picture. I raised a disabled daughter and her thing was waking at night for a snack. It went on for years and I was exhausted. One day my mom came to visit for a week and she forced me to let my child cry it out and figure out how to let herself get back to sleep. It was agony for me but my daughter never woke up at night again for snacks. Kinda the Dr Ferber method. We train our kids to control us and your sd has obviously got you trained to jump up when she jumps. Hmmm.
Also, let your dh take some of the responsibility; he's got you trained as well. Hmmm. You can love all you want but if you keep this up you will begin to get very resentful of this child and start hating her. You HAVE to retrain THEM to your ways. Like if your dh hadn't gotten his daughter her breakfast you should have poured your coffee, sat down and said "sweety, please pour sd's cereal, she's hungry" and then just ignore. She will not starve if she doesn't eat immediately. And so on, just tell your dh to get up when she's out of line so HE can deal with it. If he refuses to get up then just shrug and turn up the volume or go to your room and read a book, or better yet, get out of the house and go for a very stress relieving walk!! Let dh put her to bed!!
I am preaching to the choir by the way b/c I am known to parent where I need not stick my motherly nose.
we do turn it down and if we
we do turn it down and if we move the tv, we would have to pay $20 for the cable guy to reactivate the box in a new spot...
I have resolved to just quit checking on her. I know she has me trained. That's pretty much the reason i'm on here looking for help, because I'm tired of it. I know he does too, and that's why I've been resentful toward him lately. It even caused quite a blow up of an argument the other day and he drove off leaving her here with me crying and upset. I will try to make him take more responsibility. It's really hard. I've even been looking into counseling that is free since we can't really afford extra expenses right now. I know that if someone outside the situation were to tell him how it really is, and give him my perspective without me having to tell him, he would be more likely to listen and understand it.
this is kind of how it is for
this is kind of how it is for us (the wanting to sleep part). the first few days. but she still keeps herself up. I know she's got me trained, that's why I'm on here. I'm trying to get DH to take more of the responsibility for her and to actually do some parenting. I wish he would do what your SO does but we don't have a baby monitor and can't go out and just buy one. We sit in the living room right outside her door and I know he hears her too, but he was raised to be allowed to do whatever as long as they were quiet at bedtime.... he thinks it should be the same for her. Which would be fine if she were just quietly laying there, but she's not.
Hanney you have my straight
Hanney you have my straight up respect for truly stepping up in this girl's life. With the lack of parental involvement, I fear you are swimming upstream but it's heartwarming that you care so much and are willing to put up with your husband's crap in an effort to help a child.
Did I mention how much I hate summer vacation? Not a popular stance but as an adult it is so stressful. In my house every single person is back on school schedule starting Aug 1. You might start something similar, we go back the third week of Aug.