molly doll
My wonderful sd came over with her doll yesterday. Whe is much more into stuffed animals than dolls, usually; she likes to dress them up in all kinds of outfits. But yesterday she came over with her American Girl Molly doll.
I've seen this doll before, at one of her brother's soccer games. I've heard BM mention the doll. So this morning SD is struggling to put on the doll's shoes and asks me for help, and as I'm struggling away she says "well, the doll is really old. Daddy gave her to Mommy, and Mommy gave her to me". And I feel like someone punched me in the stomach.
I mean, I know it's silly -- DH gave BM a daughter, too, after all, not just a doll. A doll should be the least of it. And it was way before me, way way way, during a time when other people were giving *me* loving presents. But the danged doll has long brown hair and blue eyes just like BM and SD, and it just makes me hurt all over to think of my DH giving his young first wife a doll that looked like her, and how they both must have felt about that. It makes me think of how DH never does that sort of thing for me, I love teddy bears and in 4 and 1/2 years he's never gotten me one; I am the second wife and he just doesn't think like that about me.
I remember about three years ago, about a year and a half into our relationship, I got an American Girl doll catalog in the mail at Christmas time and I was saying how cute they were and wouldn't SD maybe like one (being excited about having kids in my life, she was 4 years old then) and DH says "SD has an American girl doll" in this sad, pitying sort of voice, and my intuition kicked in and I just *knew* and I was so angry at the catalog after that. Angry that there was nothing I could do that hasn't already been done, already been experienced, I'm bringing up the rear when it comes to kids' experiences.
It's nothing anyone can or really should help, but it makes me so sad and lonely and left out, again. And SD is dragging the dang doll all over--and, on the good side, of course, hugging me and being a sweetie and doing *our* little family things--but every time I look at the doll I just want to cry. And I know that's silly and I need to just be a grown-up and get over it. Again. And I will. But it just sucks, sometimes. In between the wonderful, sometimes it sucks.
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Comments
long live molly doll
You have some great ideas! Last night SD was sitting in a tree in our backyard, doll perched on a nearby branch, and I suggested how cute it would be if we dressed her and the doll the same and then did their hair the same. SD loves stuff like that and thought that was an excellent suggestion.
DH says, of course, that he didn't want to make me feel bad and get sour on the whole American Girl thing, so he didn't tell me at any point prior to today. Okay. But, I've been put off the whole thing anyway since that catalogue day, b/c I had that intuition. That's fine. Not my thing anyway. My thing is the Wizard of Oz and my little SD loooovvvesss the Wizard of Oz and associates that completely with me. We have our things.
One nice thing is that I have known the kids since they were 3 and 5, for 4 years now, so we have some solid "us" memories. We have our little family traditions, stories etc. I have learned to be grateful that they were so little when I met them, and that they love and accept me, and that they are lovable kids. (*so much to be happy about* *so much to be happy about* *so much to be happy about*)
Owies happen, though. Man, do they happen. It has alot to do with this being my first marriage, and no babies of my own. I think it would be so much easier if I had a baby with DH, b/c then I would feel less "johnny on the outside" (is that even a saying?)
Funny, we went out to the lake today with the kids, to check out the aquatic center and summer boating program with them. And guess who had to rescue Molly doll from being abandoned on the rocks? Yours truly, of course. My DH looked at me carrying the dang doll up from the shore and . . . lost it. Laughed his head off. I had to laugh too.
It just so figures.
Sometimes I get tired because it just never ends. Friday night was kid pick up night for our full weekend with them, and DH is an hour late--no family dinner for us--because he's negotiating kid issues with BM. Saturday morning is Fun With Molly doll. I'm feeling calm and relatively happy toward the middle of the afternoon and then brrrrnggggg! Guess who??? BM, of course!!! A legitimate, though not completely necessary call--point is, c'mon, when do I get to have my own family, and not feel like I'm skimming off someone else's? (Sheesh)
Can't wait
Oh Gwen, I feel everything you do. I keep praying to not feel those "pangs" when situations arise. I keep wondering when is it not going to affect me and my frame of mind? Can we really choose how we react? So far, I can't help how I "feel" when things happen that make me face reality. I think you got it right. Sometimes it's great..sometimes it sucks..big time.