She is using you, that's obvious by her terms.

Did she say anything in the note about loving you? Probably not because it's not about that for her, it's about having her bills paid and her children supported. What is she willing to sacrifice for the marriage? My guess is, nothing, she wants YOU to do it all.

if I want her back I need to do xyz. XYZ includes paying her bills, paying for private school for her kids, seeing my kids outside our home for summer except for every other weekend in which she will leave the house and a list of other things she is unhappy about concerning my kids.

All of that ^^^ is about HER and what she wants, not about your marriage or relationship. She's really got some balls, telling you that you should be paying her bills and private school for her kids. She doesn't want a partner, she wants a sugar daddy.

Plenty of women here told you the same thing the men are telling you.
Hell, your wife basically told you what everyone else is saying.

Just cut you loses and move on. She will find a new victim to provide your kids with the lifestyle she and their father can't/won't provide. This time when she goes victim hunting, she'll find an idiot who doesn't have kids of his own.

Hopefully the next woman you find won't a part of the TAKE ALL YOU CAN, GIVE NOTHING BACK gang. Your wife wants to take all she can from you for her kids, but she isn't willing to give anything to yours.

You need to make sure all of your accounts are locked down and secure.

Yep. Byeeeee!!! She is cutting off her nose to spite her face. It's almost comical.

In my opinion , your wife's demands are unreasonable. And she refuses to go to counseling as well, right ? How long have you been married?

Love is never enough . There has to be respect and compromise . Blended families take a TON of work and many years to even begin to be functional.

Your kids probably do annoy your wife , but my guess is she is resentful of the extra money sent to your ex and is taking it out in your kids. She needs to grow up and get over it. It sounds like you are a very good provider and she just doesn't want to share. I admit, I'd be annoyed as well about any extra money going to the BM - no matter what the reason.

I also think she is just be dramatic and is trying to get you to chase her and beg for forgiveness . It sounds like she has a nice life with you and if she really loves you , she will come to her senses. If she doesn't , then she is just using you.

Gunner, love does not conquer all. Not only that, but love is a two-way street. Actually it SHOULD be two-way, but sometimes the view is so exciting we fail to notice all the traffic is going one way only.

No one is more annoying or hard to live with than my stepdaughter now 17. (OK, some other kids on this board just might be). She has made it her special project to spew hate and hostility toward me. And a thousand other things about her are nails on a chalkboard torture. But I have never told my dh to see her outside or that he can't plan a vacation with her. And most especially I have never demanded my dh pay for something for me.

That bears repeating, I have never demanded my dh pay for something for me.

I don't even have kids, so this is strictly my bills we would be talking about, no private schools or clothing or anything for kids that aren't his. My dh is a good man and a good provider-we do share a good life. But it is not by demand. Most importantly, if something happened to him and he could no longer bring home a paycheck, I would still be his biggest fan, ally, and sweetheart. We would be absolutely fine.

Gunner, your wife is telling you those things are not true for her. She is encasing it in language designed to provoke an old-fashioned "you Tarzan, me prize you wanna catch" response in you. She is also positioning it as something you have done bad and she is a wronged party. This is to make you feel bad so you give in.

There may be some genuine complaints she has. Your kids could very well be far more annoying than you realize and the extra money sent to ex could trouble many a sincere wife. But your wife has shown time after time no straightforward give and take problem solving with you. She manipulates underhand and overhand. Wash rinse repeat.

This is a very tough call to make and only you can do it but for those of us on the outside looking in it's clear: you might as well take advantage of her being gone to serve her. She might be considered as having abandoned the family home which will make negotiating a settlement much easier for you.

It's flat out ridiculous and really actually sinister that she is demanding tuition for her own kids in order to "get" her. Would you have accepted that condition on your first date with her? Picture that and then you can see this for what it is, as painful as that may be.

Sorry you're going through this. We all know how terribly painful it is.

Not sure if you're willing but can you post her note, verbatim? I ask because it's hard to know what is actually happening when we're getting only the gist of the note as you understood it, and not what the note may have actually said.

Honestly, at this point, it's not worth it to keep this marriage if everything is as we are taking it as. As you are portraying it, you're the loving and fair husband who is willing to do whatever it takes to keep your marriage but not at the expense of your kids, which is noble and the right thing to do, and she is the wicked stepmother who is a user taking advantage of you but you love her. Part of me wonders if you enjoy being abused and then having other people back you up so you can feel like a noble hero. I wonder this because my husband has the exact same tendencies and it drives me nuts--portrays someone else (the enemy of the week) as super evil and that he is the victim but I can tell when he's the one who sets the situations up--if you really believe this person is terrible then you know what you need to do. Not keep on setting them up for tests that they will inevitably fail--just cut this toxic person out of your life.

Unless you enjoy the drama in which case, have at it.

Your life. Your marriage. Your children. You have to live it your own way I suppose, but frankly, after getting home to a demand letter like that? I would not have picked up the phone and called her.

What's left to talk about?

"I will not cut off the extra money to my ex that pays for my kids to have a good life. My ex uses that money on my kids and for my kids."

Going to play Devils advocate here so you can see things from a second wife's perspective.

Hmm...this sounds like a point of contention in your marriage. Just how much *extra* money is going to the ex, for the kids of course. You're saying that you absolutely WILL NOT cut off extra money to the ex. So the ex gets whatever she wants while your own wife has to give you her half of the vacation fund (per your other blog) since she didn't want to vacation w/your kids.

Just from the few things I've read it sounds like there is a huge balance of power in your marriage and it's all favoring your ex and your kids. Your ex gets above and beyond what is court ordered while your own wife has to pull her own weight w/groceries ect. Perhaps the request for you to pay the kids school tuition is an attempt to even out the money flowing to the other home. I don't agree w/you having to pay your SD's tution, that is her parents job but I also don't agree to your ex getting extras when she too should be providing for her/your children and pulling her own weight as well.

I'm a second wife and a huge point of contention in our marriage has been money. exW doesn't work but lives off the spoils of divorce and alimony that DH still pays. Grown step sons have also spent years mooching off of DH, all the while DH and I are working our @$$'s off while 3 functional adults sponge off him. I hate it and it's caused plenty of tension.

I recall you painting your children as perfect angels and hers as annoying and ungrateful. Like StepAside said above, I'd love to hear your wife's side of the story.

With your attitude you're going to have a hard time making any consecutive marriages work. I'd say divorce current wife and go back to the ex or just stay single and focus on your ex and kids.

**Edited to add: I think it's interesting that people are telling you that your current wife is using you but no mention of how exW is using your for all the extras too. That gold digging user second wife, how dare she ask something of you while all your extra money is being willing shuttled to the ex...for the kids of course.

If this story is for real then we aren't told everything that happened

Regardless of how "awful" OP's kids may or may not be, the fact that his wife is not interested in counseling tells me that it's not worth saving anymore. Even if he is so "terrible" to his wife, he is willing to have a third party work with them, and his wife isn't. He is willing to talk, but all she is doing is making demands that sound entitled and ridiculous.

My DH has always given BM above CS for SD, and he can't stand BM. As much as I didn't like it, and sometimes I would voice my disapproval, but it didn't honestly affect our household, so I stopped. As long as our bills are paid, he can do what he likes with the rest. I believe OP should be able to give more for his kids if he wants if he has the means to do it. Sure it can be annoyance to his wife, but tough.

As for him being expected to pay for her kids' private school, I think that is a ridiculous demand that is made because of her annoyance at the extra money going for his kids. It's unreasonable, and just ridiculous. It sounds to me it was demanded in a fit of rage.

I also agree that OP never should have called his wife. It sounds like they have not been together all that long. Within the first 5 years or so, I would have tried to contact DH every time we fought to try to work things out. I would freak out if he wanted to take time to settle down. 11 years in, if he were to leave, I would not contact him at all. If it's meant to be, he will come back, and we will work things out. Same with this case. If the wife truly wants to work things out, she will come back. OP shouldn't back down at all. She needs to be willing to compromise or discuss things if things are to work.

We can't possibly know every little aspect to this, just like nobody but ourselves can see everything we do in our own situations.

The OP's introduction:

" I am a stepdad and I overheard a woman on the elevator at work discussing this website with another woman. She was not a fan so I decided to see what the fuss was all about and I decided to join. So Hello folks."

With each additional blog creating this SM scenario where she just gets worse and worse.

This one is about finished playing out for it's run very shortly.

I bet MOST (not all) of the responses would be TOTALLY different if this was a SM that posted this blog.

Pretend a SM comes home and her husband left a note like that. Let say her husband told her that she has to pay for skids school, And she has to pay for all of his and skids bills. And that her kids are not welcome at the house but the skids are. LOL. Im thinking A LOT of the responses would NOT be telling the SM that she needs to check herself and that her husband has probably just had enough of her crap. lol

But everything else if you reverse the roles the poster would be welcomed and supported fulsomely.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=
YEP!

What kind of advice would we give this woman?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Not sure about the advice but I am almost positive she would not be told that all of the bad things her husband is doing, is because of her. Or that she NEEDS to change to make it better on her husband and her skids.

Gunner since you reported you make 200K wouldn't you agree your a pretty smart guy?

If I were you I would contact your old attorney and ask him about what YOU are going to have to shell out to Miss thing in alimony.

You've set a precedence by paying for her kids private school. THATS rather odd for you to do, my question is why didn't MOM and bio dad work that out? Rhetorical question.

Your current wife reminds me of someone I use to know. Jumping from one marriage to another for money using kids as pawns.

Get ready to pay dearly $$$$ or stick it out, play nice and have a fling or two. Draw up an air tight Will AND trust for your bio kids.

Can we just read the darn note. That would literally answer all of our speculating questions as to whether she's a money hungry ho or being wildly misunderstood.

My spidey senses were tingling because the way this entire saga is going down reeks of an NPD getting their kicks in painting this person he's supposed to love as super evil, because in every post he has glossed over exactly what she said and what her concerns actually were. That really bugs me. If she really is as horrible as he says, then my advice would be run, run, run. I will be THE FIRST to apologize that my feelings on this matter was wrong and that she is a disgusting human being that deserves to be left penniless and that Gunner has been terribly wronged.

But I want to see what she said, not what he believes she meant.

Let her go. She's either bluffing and blackmailing you into giving her the life she wants or she really already wants to go on her own. If she's narrowed it down to just a short and sweet note then she could probably go either way. People who want to make things work don't give ultimatums, they TALK to their partners.

Dupe

Ouch! Not a pleasant experience at all I suppose.

I think you have the right perspective. Stick to your guns. You may love your wire but.... no love is worth what she is mandating.

IMHO of course.

Good luck and take care of you.