I had to self-assess: Had I done anything wrong? Was there anything I could have done differently? I attempted to have open, honest conversations with the skids. Impossible with SD. I checked in with friends. Was it me?

Of course, I could have done some things differently, but I concluded that I never had ill-intent toward the skids or the situation and I never did anything to harm them. I entered my marriage wide-eyed, planning on positive relationships, and I bent over backwards in the early days. I believe they saw that as weakness rather than kindness. 

I finally realized (and DH confirmed this) that it didn't matter who I was: I would be hated by them. I could never "win" with them. Their behavior was illogical and had nothing to do with me...not worth wringing my hands over. I needed to protect myself, my feelings, and my dignity. 

It was at that point that I stopped giving a crap and gave up fighting a losing battle. I knew and know who I was/am and what is in my heart. It is their loss. Although I now do harbor negative views of the loser ingrates, I would have at one time been a great friend to them, an alternative viewpoint, a supporter. THEIR LOSS. 
 

My experience was very similar to MorningMia's - when I met my two SDs, they were very young indeed, and had already been instructed by their mother in hating me - how I behaved was irrelevant - although I tried to behave well.  After a year or two I stopped trying as nothing I did or didn't say or do made any difference.  I was still civil, up until 2 yrs ago when SD29 insulted me by email, I decided to go no-contact - I'd had enough - and haven't seen her since. How do I not care?  I do care but she will never know.  

Unfortunately, if you're an empathic, decent human being - you will always care. You're hardwired to want everyone to be happy and for there to be peace in your relationships.  It's hard to reconcile the seemingly targeted hatred that comes your way as a SM. All I can suggest is that you become your own supporter and best friend and keep those who love you and appreciate all that you are - close to your heart. 

Simple.... do these skids pay any of your bills or enhance your life in anyway? 
 

if the answer is no ... then ---> do not gaf!!!

I'm very much like MorningMia these days but in the beginning, it was difficult. I tend to be a people please and want people to like me. I'll keep the "peace" at my detriment. Well, I did.

So, really....you have to assess yourself and actions. Yes, I made some missteps but none were intentional or hurtful to others...more to myself.  I sleep well at night, knowing I did everything in my power to "get along" with DHs kids. It's also very telling that I do not have issues with anyone else in my world...in fact, my DH often says, "Everybody loves CajunMom." 

So, I self-reflect, make any corrections needed and keep in the front of my mind that I am well liked and loved by many people and DHs kids opinions of me are meaningless to my well-being and self-esteem. 

But must respect you and your household.   They are required to do certain things. Like everyone else has to do in life. What we really don't want to do but we do out of respect for other people .   DH did not teach his kids respect. It his fault 

First, you discuss the toxic spawn's bullshit with someone whoknows you and who will give you a realistic opinion on the situation specifically regarding how what the SKids are saying aligns with your history, character, etc...

Then you do a self check on what the toxic spawn are saying.

Then you keep their noses scrubbed in the stench they emanate.  When they crawl out from under their rock to ply their crap, point out that they have backstabbed anyone and everyone they know so it is no mystery why they have no close relationships or why they continually are rejected.

Keep the mirror of the facts in front of them and remind them that they are the source of their own misery.  We may not be able to just ignore or not care what these types do or say, but we can invoke an escalating state of abject misery on them by not letting them suck us into their toxicity, keep the facts front and center for them and anyone else they try their bullshit with, and take a zero tolerance immediate ass baring position with them and mitigate or at least minimize their impact on our lives and the lives of those we care about.

Finally, live your best life.  Living well drives these types nuckin futz and living well in front of them and in spite of them is also the best revenge.  

When they know unequivocally that their shit will not be tolerated or hidden and their asses will be bared to anyone and everyone they tend to spend more and more time under their slime covered rocks at the bottom of the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.

Our version of this was the SpermClan. Our son was and is a truly kind and good person.  Unfortunately his SpermClan cannot say the same.  They played games, we did not.  Their crap was confronted with every legal, financial, and social tool at our disposal.  Their facade of being a good family did not hold up in court, in their community, or in their church when we started addressing their crap.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

I let it roll off. I have a wide range of friends, have super great relationships with people I work with and over the course of my life only know (to my knowledge) a couple people who haven't liked me (and vice versa). So it's NOT me. And they were kids/teens. They do not rule my house, I do not do whatever they want me to do/not do. Too bad for them. My niece knows better and that's enough for me.

When the skids were younger, BioHo was obsessed with them believing her lies about me  The SSs did not buy into her BS, but both SDs did and went on the attack. I made one attempt to set the record straight, but they weren't having it. It was hurtful, but I was more taken aback than hurt. I tackled it with the same mantra I use in everyday life: 

I am a good person. I'm nice, caring, considerate, and fun. If someone can't see that, it's their loss; not mine. I have nothing to prove and will keep being me. 

You don't like me? I honestly don't care. The people who matter like/love me. Your skids? They don't deserve space in your head or a place at your social media table. They don't matter. Kicking rocks is more important. *give_rose*

It's one thing to be irrationally targeted for vitriol. (Too bad, their loss). You can just disengage.

It's another thing to be bullied in your own home. That's the real problem.

When I was an actively involved and supportive SM, SD still told lies about me. I took her to school, helped with homework, chauffered to gymnastics, did summer activities, etc. In spite of "treating her like my own" I was still lied about. I knew the truth and that was all that mattered to me. I drew a hard line in the sand after that and figured if lies were going to be made up about me, then I might as well stop. This is when I disengaged and I never looked back! 

I stopped caring what the step-diablas think of me once I realized how low-class, impolite, and inconsiderate of others they are. Why should I care what such tasteless people think of me? I dislike them so strongly that I no longer care what they think of me. I actually don't want them to like me anymore. If they don't like me then maybe they'll stay away from our home.

The SD's have always used abandoment of DH as a threat. When BM still lived close by they would storm off saying, "We're going home!" at the slightest perceived slight or inconvenience. I always knew it was an idle, tantrumy threat,  but DH seemed to think it meant something, or at least he used it as an excuse as to why I should accept their hostile behavior and actions. He said he was fearful they will sever their relationship with him.

BM is a coward and easily scared off if she thinks her mask is about to fall or if cracks are starting to form in her image control. Some of these traits have rubbed off on SD's.

Up until recently, the SD's weaponized abandonment and the need for image control ended up working to my advantage in keeping the SDiablas's at bay. They are so easily offended and then they storm off in a huff.

However, now that BM has moved away and DH has set stronger boundaries and begun to hold the SD's feet to the fire they are toughening up a bit. Their threats of abandonment aren't working as well as they used to. I am trying to navigate the pivot of them coming around more yet continuing to be assh*les.

I have taken off the kid gloves that DH seems to want me to wear. I don't care if they think I am mean or cold or whatever negative characterization they want to put on me because I know the truth is that they are awful and I have responded accordingly. The problem is their actions and behavior, not my response to their actions and behavior.

I really don't care how big of jerks they are as long as they stay away from me and my kids. My hope is that we get to the point that DH only sees them outside of our home.

I used to wish we could repair our relationships but I have realized that is probably just a pipedream. I think the best outcome is for them to live their lives and us to live ours, separately.